Will I understand what I'm saying now, next month? I swear that I'll stay like this for a while, and then change and view the same things differently...

I don't think I know what I talk about half of the time. Not like it matters anyway... I'll just always hope to have the good in me strengthen and prevail.

Mike Wilson and his girl have spent the last two nights here. I don't mind much, I'm just glad that I can help, offer what I can, and hopefully, well.... make a difference.. right? right.

---

Sometimes, people catch on too quickly... and they know it. Am i dumb? Yeah, I think so... But why would I want to explain something like that... its weird enough as it is... and i'm only making it worse...

My mom says that having a mathematical 5 year difference will bring the most luck in your relationships.. 6 being the worst... and 3? also good.... heh, yeah, look at my mom and dad's 3 year difference...

I get frustrated with the abilities that I have. It gets really bad when I know I can do so much better. I learn something and expect to be amazing without practice, or little practice. And even so, I know I'm better than average in most things in a given amount of time. I WILL be good at tennis. Its been 1 day, and my forehand is smokin still. Serves, fun. Backhand? -the obvious problem. Ugh, I know I can do it... it just takes some time to recall it... and MAN, I hate it. But at least I know that I can get back into the game a whole lot faster than most other people after a good what... 5-6 year break? yeah... maybe its just me surprising myself... I think the determination to be fulfill the potential I know I have gets me going, then discovering what more skill I could have keeps me going. I just want to be the best I can be, right... no dissappointments. Ugh. Well, at least I'm at that point in Volleyball, where I was when I left high school... actually, probably a bit better -the whole point.

Thursday is picture taking night!! I'm goin out with Crystal (Krystal) and maybe some other people to go and take some star trails... I'm excited, maybe I can actually have some prints that not everyone will see and take... maybe some presents and such... I wonder if Ashley would like that... Brittany possibly? I know Amanda would want a print... wait.. she'd just want to know how to do it... Karalee would too prolly... eh, I guess everyone wouldn't mind getting one... I just need pictures that don't have people in them ahaha... I'm excited to see what will come of this...

There is gum in the dryer.. thats just mad annoying... dishes in the sink and on the counter... Ugh, its annoying!! These people are freakin 27 and such, and can't seem to clean up after themselves!! Yeah, my room is dirty, but at least I don't go and jack up the rest of the household... Freakin a.... its embarassing to bring people over... I'm not so much embarassed about MY mess in my room... but the rest of the house... ugh.. ugh ugh ugh....

So I may have this full ride out on my mission. I'm really excited, also nervous... I guess my mother is just trying to help me out or possibly support me.. who knows... if there are alternate motives behind this, there would be some serious backlashes... So, yeah, she pays off my debt... I move in with her, quit my job and basically have a change of lifestyle.. no car, or anything is my understanding... and I live like that until I leave for my mish. Not bad... So what about the ward? Well, the stake counselor Brother Chase, said that he could most likely pull my bishop's arm to keep my records there... OH yeah, Brother Chase did pull me out of sunday school to talk to me the whole time... it was rad, he's the man. He's just a loving man.. really... his vibe.. man, just this guy is the bomb.... heh, he told me the story about him and Brother Leavitt visiting my house... they had a list of people to visit. I wasn't on it. They have never spoken to me prior to that meeting.. and well, they had some sort of intervention that pulled them over to my house, spoke to me when all my roommates were not home, and left their message. Pretty amazing. Soonest I could leave is probably 6 months. Gotta make sure tithing is still good, get ordained
an elder, take out my endowments and such... and yeah... the latter two, he said, are going to be a breeze... just get the tithing settled and you're set.... I just got to run the deal by my bishop and see how he feels.... Ashley says its a no brainer... Brother Chase feels that I should look into it more, keep praying and ask how Bishop Snow feels... We'll see on sunday..

its the 4th...
I wish you were here...
I wish anyone was here...
I wish I was there...

temper easily tripped, with explosions as results.
reactions from my actions, exploiting all my faults.
consider this;
this failure to comply,
syntax in error,
a failure to reply.
communications severed.
damaged many chips.
only rebuild or destroy
there is no quick fix.
.jml.

really.. what else could this be about...
what couldn't it be about?
what is this about?

i can make it work for many things.

There are many things that haven't been settling well with me. Much has happened. Much will happen. And to be in it all, is pure nonsense.

I've been bothered by sounds lately. Deep sounds. What different sounds may tell us, only if we were able to understand. I never thought about being knowledgeable about pointless information, but is it so pointless after all? There must be reasons. Obviously one thing must act upon another to create a Sound Wave. Yeah. I know I've thought about this before. Just another random rant of course. We are here to gain as much knowledge as possible upon this earth. Thats what I believe, and tonight, I've thought deeply upon something I barely grazed a week earlier.

There is so much that everyday sounds may tell us. They seem to hold so much information, and only few have desire to absolutely understand why or what they mean.

Everyday humming of tires... Yeah its annoying.... have you ever sat on the side of a highway while cars whiz by you at 65+? Its interesting to know that you can pick out who is actually going the speed limit, and who isn't based off the sound of the tires... We personally have all heard 65 mph in our own cars, and that sound doesn't differ much from any other car. Our speed can be measured by our sound.

Another example, also including cars. Sitting at a stop light, a car pulls up next to you, you hear a high pitched noise, or possibly tapping, or inconsistent pulsation. Only those who would have interest in those noises would actually understand where they come from, what they mean, and why it was made.

Same could go for computers, electricity.. Lets light bulbs for instance.. Do you even notice that a light bulb makes sounds... or how about when it is about to burn out?
Nature? Who would know which bird made which kind of chirp?

These are just random correlations to thoughts.
There is just information that people refuse to acknowledge. They don't care. They don't want to know, or understand. And only if they would open up to try to understand, gateways of education may come from it.

So here I am, driving home, pondering over everything could possibly be of value in my head. I drive and notice more than I would on any other night, but only with one restriction. A narrow vision of what is in front of me. I tried to look left, and so naturally, my head returned to a straight forward position, as if I were not supposed to look left. And after such, I didn't have a desire to look what was on the left, or even the right. I was solely looking forward, I understood that there was one car that pulled to the left of me, obviously with engine problems. I also understood sarcasm from a couple that were walking down flamingo, and their rebuttals towards one another's attacks. I understood the sound of a soft wind hitting my ears, telling me that I'm driving slower than usual. I see streaks of light in front of me, and without much care, I keep driving, somehow guiding my car down this road safely and avoiding any hazard. I reach the freeway and speeds of such... I never did notice myself shifting all the way through 5th gear, but I did notice the sound of my engine at 3200 rpm. From previous studies, I understood that with my gear ratio, tire size, and other factors, I would be traveling at or around 80mph at 3200 rpms in 5th gear, and quite instantaneously, I slowed down to 2600 rpm, a distinct sound which is the median between muffled and screaming. 65mph. I couldn't help but start to think about logging this... Why would this be such a big deal to me? Understanding sounds...

What about understanding the lack of sounds... These all seem to also take knowledge to understand. Maybe more than actually hearing sounds... It seems to call for more troubleshooting. Seems to be a global negativity. Silence...

We're all used to hearing a consistent beating of our hearts... sometimes we understand why it would speed up-- excitement, public humiliation, nervousness, anger, anxiety, adrenaline-- and of course, sometimes we don't, maybe this artificial defibrillator that we all experience could explain it, but no one could possibly explain love to another so that they understand.

Yeah.. Weird.. So getting to the point I guess... Really, so I've done things that I don't think I would matter, or I'd think of it as no big deal... until you hear something as normal as everyday talk, and everything suddenly stops. Your heart skips a beat, people's voices become drown out, and all you're left with is what you have in your head... and you think, why... why would this everyday sound I hear inside myself become interrupted and create this exclusive effect on the rest of my abilities.... I know why my heart skipped, and normally, I probably wouldn't have noticed, but sometimes, you just stop, and acknowledge that there is more to learn from some everyday thing.. or lack of an everyday thing...

---

I am a scary human being.
People think I'm more than I am.
People think I'm less than I am.
And in both situations, they're scared of what I could be.

This potential I possess is limitless... with so much to learn, to gain, to know and acquire, I just don't see where it'll stop... I want to do the best I can do in everything I can. Guitar, Tennis, Volleyball, Computers, Photography, Relationships, things that really matter to me... and things that don't matter to most. I will be unstoppable, there is no situation where nothing can be learned.

---

there is no such thing as ncmo. point proven unexpectedly.