Get it all out.

For some reason, I'm getting annoyed with the name Mykii. Mikey, whatever you'd like to call the Mike with the sound E at the end.. I don't know what would be more simple, James or Mike. Its just random again, and I'm really not so much liking it. Why is it Mykii anyway.. I came up with some spelling and that was it, its getting known across the internet. I don't so much care about that, but its my name, I think I'd rather have a name that pretty much doesn't stand out so much, and is pretty common.. like well, Michael. Why not Michael. People wont call me Michael anyway if I wanted to, but it'd be nice.

I'm thinking that its related to the person that I am, and who I don't want to be, and well, want to be, Its just like another Diablo 2 character, where you level and mess up on the skills, so you start a new character hoping to correct that mistake and create an effective one... I moved here and was under the alias James for school. Suited me well with the fact that no one knew me. I had a clean slate. Perfect way to be. I made James for myself. Mike was an out of school friends only name that could be around. I was a nerd, computer nerd, not much has changed there, but had good grades, didn't have to worry about girls, drama, money, life in general, just getting through school. I did my best really.. The transition between James and Mykii was a little different, affected by many aspects in life, religion, friends, family, mental stability. The person that I am right now, is pretty much hyper, fun, someone said cute, and sensitive guy for the most part. I'm always happy, unless I'm tired. People like me, I don't have enemies, and apparently the only enemy that I wish/should have, is in love with me or so she thinks... He's good at math, pretty bright in doing things, handy, got a pretty good mixture of street and book smarts, and can live on his own pretty much.. well yah, I've developed quite a bit, the relationships in my life have changed, I've noticed due to a lot of different subjects. I've learned whats really important, what to dwell on, what affects people, what affects myself, and what isn't required in my life, well what doesn't really need to matter; what doesn't need to make an appearance in my life.
Mykii is well.. Family based. True I guess. My family is my roommates, and the Squires. The most imporant part of that life is one, Ashley Ann. That seemed to be most of the aggravation, love and fun that I've had ever, in a period of 4 years, ever since I met her..
So what is there to go to now? Hypothetically, with what I'm thinking as of right now, I probably wouldn't last much longer, pertaining to sanity, without Ashley. I can't remember when I became so dependant on her. Its not healthy for sure. I know the outcome already, theres no point in trying to change that. And with that should be no hope. Why is it that I try to make an excuse for myself? She could move on from me in an instant, it doesn't take much.. except for kimball it seems... the words "I miss you." aren't meant for me. What would make me think that it would be? Oh wait, it'd be me. Its the best when its known too. So really, why do I bother. I keep ending up in circles between bothering and not bothering. I thought I decided to bother since it would be better for the both of us. As observed by many, I tend to do things that I don't want to do. Why? It doesn't benefit me, but it does benefit someone else. Is it worth it for me to do that for someone? I believe that the satisfaction of satisfying someone else is more than gratifying in sensation.

I never know what I write about until I actually sit down and do it. Nothing specific, ever, pops into my mind in the day, where I have to write about it. Is my life plagued with beauty or what.

I'm really petulant right now. Irratation beyond all reason. Theres no point in getting angry or feeling offended by it, but to relieve inner anguish. Its not productive. I don't remember exactly what happened or how I became to read karalee's journal. Mostly I believe that it was there, unguarded, and I got bored and read it. Simple as that, I wouldn't call that an accident. Lack of judgement would describe it better. It seems that the 2nd offense, even if its an actual accident, looks deliberate. Who carries their journal to the movie theaters with schoolwork in it?? Man, I thought that it'd seriously be a freakin school notebook. as in a notebook containing notes for school. I thought that I was going to help annie do some studying so I checked what she brought.. First things I noticed was her doodlings on the inside cover, then I went through a couple sheets of freakin typed geography papers, mostly guides and tests, and ended at the first and second pages of written content. It was just there, written in blue i'm sure. I saw my name and kimball's then flipped the page, saw my name and then realized that it was a freakin journal. I don't know if it was the first or the second page when she started writing about me, but I read something like, freak, I don't even really remember what she wrote.. I just remember feeling unsettled after it.. I didn't even notice if the things were dated... Ugh, annie called not too long ago, I told her about my pretty joyous day, and she said she wanted to be nosy and wanted to know who that lj post was about. I told her it was her, and that I did what I did. Then she commented that I had this problem before with karalee. This problem, like I do this often or something... She probably didn't mean it like that, and I'm probably just freakin overreacting... but then again, its her freakin journal notebook and I'm always wrong anyway... I knew I couldn't keep things straight for more than a couple weeks... freak, I didn't even say that I was sorry. I bet she noticed that too. She's closing, I should just leave her a message. I never realized what she notices in our relationship...

My mind has been racing on two different tracks.. one going fast, the other, maybe 2 or 4 times faster... in circles, always in circles, one track probably going the other direction, if not on a diferent plane altogether, theyr'e just on different vectors or something.

Jen. What to do with her.. Moreso, what to do with me.. I haven't been able to, yet alone want to, do anything that I've said. Even when it comes to something as simple as calling her back. For instance, tonight, I really should've called her back, I was at Scotts talking with him and Ashley, and she called, she let me go and I said I'll call her back... well 2 minutes later, Ashley calls, invites me to come over and watch Phantom of the Opera, and well, I kinda forgot about Jen and continued talking to Scott and Ash for a while... well, then took off to Ash's.. Midway during the movie, I recall me saying that I'd call her back.. I'm such a hypocrite.. ugh, I'm such a stickler when it comes to phonecalls and calling people back, normally I'm pretty good about it, at least when I say I will.. Hypocrisy.. I'm a bother to myself... I saw her at work today.. It somewhat hurt still... I guess I like her or something, maybe its just lust.. She looked really good.. cute i guess.. well, not really cute, Ashley is cute, Jen today was just kind of good looking, not really hot, but kinda scruffy.. i dunno really.. she just wore some jeans and some white top and a black and white checkered belt... her hair was kinda cool lookin though, kinda scrunched or something, I still don't know what girls do with their hair exactly... I had a hard time keeping my mind of her.. I'd be doing my work or something, and she'd kinda bother me for some tray liners or something... It was nice of her to do actually do my troxes for me, really kinda surprising, heck, if I were her and if I came in as early as she did, I'd take a nap on the lockerroom floor. I could hear her laugh in the back room... man, she's got a pretty decent chest.. it was really like amy duke's... well, similarly sized... infact, Jen really looked like Amy today, I think thats what really startled me... they both really kinda act alike.. well, with the ADD and all, theyr'e really similar and random... Man, I think this is Amy Duke all over again.. but Amy at least was a good girl, and well, is out of high school... They both hug me the same way. This is really starting to throw me off a whole lot.. They both seem really kinda similar... oh wait, Amy has a car too... but they're both about the same height... Wow, thats kinda going to haunt me for a while... anyway, I was changing in the mens lockeroom, mind you, the mens... and she came in, i kinda wish the locks worked.. I got dressed and she asked for a hug, during so, she said I missed you... I just kinda felt bad... I don't know what I missed more, making out with her and liking her superficially, or actually hanging out with her, which also pretty much included making out... ugh.. wierd.. but still, I felt pretty kinda low.. kinda even lower since I didn't really want to do much for her due to my laziness.. its hard enough sometimes talking on the phone with her on my bed.. and well, thats one of the easiest things I can really think of and enjoy... I can really do this, I can really do what I said, and be willing to do it.. I just don't want to fall for her or fall for something I know that I don't need or really want.. Sometimes I feel that the body wants more than the mind, and just kind of acts on its own... I have self control, I'm not worried.. I didn't have it all there with Amy, but I got it now. I can catch it before it happens... I just don't want her to think that we're something we're not...

Real Life. has been hitting me. Its getting more real that Karalee and Todd are going to be one.. well in this recent case, the corolla, will also be Todd's, which was a somewhat very odd concept for me to handle... They're getting married so soon, and I better get it off before everyone else at my store does.. well before everyone from freakin INO does... My time is winding down. I have to initiate working on my papers, filling them out half way doesn't get it completed.. I need the freaking appointments, I've stalled for 3 weeks with excuses, anxiety and just plain fear... I can get it done, and I could be leaving in the near future.. I guess thats what scares me most.. Ashley is pretty set on moving to AZ... It shouldn't matter to me, I try not to let it bother me, but it does for some reason.. I'll be gone when shes's gone.. it doesnt matter. I know that dang it... its just that, well, she's moving to AZ.. Her life would, could be so much better I think.. I guess what I'm really afraid of is not seeing her again... followed by her being married and still not seeing her. Well, I realize that everyone will probably be freakin married by the time I get back, so well, I won't be breakin any hearts before I go on my mission, or break any hearts on my mission, or something.. Scott said its a good idea to settle all that crap before you go.. He had some hate mail coming to him from a couple chicks during his mission.. that made me laugh a whole lot... anyway, yah, hanging out with scott and todd, and ashley was very kinda cool, kinda awkward because well, they're al pretty much married couples, but once I moved past that, everything was pretty normal... I kinda blushed tonight at bowling.. it was an odd situation.. I haven't gone bowling for a long time, and well, the first time that I met Ashley Ivie was at bowling.. I was being dumb and kinda showing off and having a blast, and well, I got hung upside down by scott and someone else, I forgot who it was, and got pulled back like a pendulum and let go likewise.. it looked cool, and I got a strike... that was some good old bowling stuff I learned from Chance, Sean and Russel... anyway, Ashley said that she had a crush on me that night... that made me really laugh.. Well, thats real life I guess.. Work hasn't been too painful, today I had mad back spasms, I couldn't hold myself upright for 3 seconds without some kind of pain or aching.. It really sucked, I really need to get checked out by some doctors and what not, I just need to get a full on physical and get some chiropractic work done... Been working some good board, got a good checklist form lawrence.. I actually earned that one baby.. wasn't given to me easily actaully, Lui made him give it to me haha.. I like that guy most of the time.. When he gets cranky, he's a real dick.. that and when he pisses Ash off, well I guess thats all the time, kinda gets me screwed up somehow...

This coming wednesday is my court date.. I'm really scared about it, I don't need any more tickets and money sucked with it.. I'm pretty sure that they can't issue me a ticket for the same stuff that everyone else did, after pulling over behind the police vehicle, after he pulled kimball over.. If I do, I know it'll be a hefty fine, and it'll suck for a while again... I don't need that on top of my $106 phone payment that I need to have in by the 1st.. i should've been better about talking on the phone in Mt. Laurel... man, its always the girls that get you in trouble... I liked, it, whatever... My bike is doing pretty dang well, after my exhaust broke that is... The inner baffle of my old exhaust shot out twice and I lost it on the freeway.. Made my bike louder than some harleys, and definately not as good.. Now I got a free pipe from Mototrends' Chris off a Ducati, and put it on my bike, kinda jimmy rigged it for now, but I'll get it cut and welded on properly.. It sounds good at least, a whole lot quieter and feels good when I'm accelerating, I dont' notice too much difference, but some is there... plus, it still runs. I really want to teach Ashley how to ride soon... I might not have the chance to later, well, she might not have the chance to later... i mean, she might, but she wont' have it now...

I cut my hair, its back to High School short... If only I can gel it 24/7... it'll look better than the helmet hair... I got some digicam pictures done, I can upload them on the internet and have them printed and mailed to me... Pretty cool stuff I found out.. not really cheap, but I can get mostly any size I want, depending on the picture quality though... but most of them I can blow them up past 11x16 or something... I'm excited, I want to start a portfolio type thing, actually, I just want some nice frames to put these pictures in.. The scenic ones are proabably my fave, plus the one I have of Ashley that Elyssa gave me haha... that'll be funny to pull out sometime, eh, she's hot in it, who cares... I got some other ones I want to get printed and put into a frame that holds 4 pictures.. They're all similar sunsets, but different colors kinda... maybe another triple frame thingy.. we'll see.. but I know that these pictures will look way good.. I think I'm going to have 4 pictures blown up and hung... I'm really excited to get these pictures, but that'll also mean that I'll spend the money I don't have on frames.. maybe I'll have scott build me some or something, then I'll just pay for paint to paint them.. oh yah, thats smart of me... woot.

Its hard to say I love you to someone and actually mean it.. Its been a lot easier for me to say it to people I really mean it to though.. I love how that contradicts the first fragment of what I said... To Ash, its been the easiest... Todd and Karalee have been pretty easy too, Scott and Ash, a lot better. i know theyr'e not around much, but I know that I can count on them anytime I need to. Been easier to say I love you to mom, and its always been easy to say that to my brothers.. I just can't say it to jen though.. Lisa Amore? yes.. she's great haha.. am I just selective or something? I really don't like using that word too often on people, it just makes the word lose its meaning... I believe that Love is a strong word and should be used appropriately and not abused... I love Jesus Christ.. and thats amazingly easy to say.

Oh I went to play ultimate frisbee with the 5th ward.. That was amazingly fun, it brought back memories of when I was an insane maniac in Illinois and had the Liu brothers playing for First Baptist.. Man, my bro and I were unstoppable, my lightning fast feet and sticky hands are still existant. Its so sweet. I'm asian, thats the only explaination I can give for that.. well, thats the only explaination that a lot of people can give.. I like that.

I'm going to bed. I love my best friend, my family, my savior and the gospel, and myself for what I'm worth, and my crazy bike thats pushin me along.