I've noticed it, accepted it, I'm older, grown mature and am on my own. The way I write, what I write about, how I phrase things. Changed. Crazy. I want more pictures, Karalee, Todd, Ashley, Britt Elyssa too... people I care about....

12-19-03
~Ashley's coming to town soon!! yay!! Heh, i hope i get to see her... stuipid work... geez, the only way that we could probably hang out is if i freakin spend the night... and well, that'll be insane.... probably wouldn't go so well with people either... and freakin work will probably kill me... stupid work... stupid work... i'm hopin for some early day shifts... 11:30 would be alright... 1:45 sucks.. i dont get off until like 9:30... gayness..... anyway.. i've really got to go.. stupid work...

Some parts have still stayed the same... You know, I've realized things that are wrong with me, but haven't succeeded in changing them. 2 years have passed, almost 3. Change. Damn it, its like plagued. I really just want to cry more and more..reading more and more, about the past and the perceptions I had. If I only knew that what the outcomes would be, I probably wouldn't be like that.. But some things stayed the same... My words for wanting Ashley, underneath the words of despair and the random mentioning of things that I remembered of her...

12-15-04
~Sadly, Ashley isn't moving down here... i guess she'll be around till jan 7th or so... she's stayin out there to finish up the schoolin and stuff so it looks better when she goes and becomes a teacher... and if not, then i uess she's movin back here and goin to college...

So thats half true, she did attend school out here for a while... and it was fun seeing her when she stopped by my house... She'll be there in AZ for a long time now...


I've learned -
that you can't make someone love you.
All you can do is
be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care
back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -
that you can do
something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned -
that it's a lot easier to react
than it is to think.

I've learned -
that you should always
leave loved ones withloving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -
that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned -
that either you control
your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned -
that regardless of
how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there
had better be
something else to take its place.

I've learned -
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned -
that there are people who
love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best
time.

I've learned -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest
distance.Same goes for true love.

I've learned -
that just because
someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -
that maturity has more to
do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from
them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned -
that you should never tell a
child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned -
that your family won't always
be there for you.
It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you
and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned -
that no matter how good a friend
is, they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -
that it isn't always
enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I've learned -
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned -
that sometimes when
my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want
to.

I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -
that sometimes you have to
put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something
totally different.

I've learned -
that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I've learned -
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them
most.

I've learned -
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to
you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human
being.

I've learned -
that the people you care most about in
life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -
that although the word "love"
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly
used.

I've learned -
that it's hard to determine
where to draw the
line between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.


After learning so much, I haven't really learned anything at all.. So many words are choked in me. Its hard to explain how this works, how I've been able to read what I've had, recall what happened, and react again to what happened... But really. those wrods that I write are for sure words that I've meant. Ashley, just.. makes my heart, head, hands, hurt. There were so many times that we had so much fun, well, at least I had fun, that I remember, but never mentioned on any of these journals. I remember that junk too. I know I didn't do it on purpose, but I don't know that purpose, the more I get to think, the more that I remember.. besides the ones we talked about, which probably wasn't a good thing for me, i mean, it was gratifying at the moment, and made me feel somewhat good, but makes no difference now.. She's moving again. Again, dang it.. again.. she says its permenant.. Just remember what I went though when she left the first time doesn't help me right now, and its going to be 2 weeks from now that she's leaving. I was in Ohio once when I remembered calling her and talking to her a whole lot.. day after day... but it made me feel so good and able to sleep better at night when I was alone. Is it that because I've gotten older, I realize what matters to me more? Or what I realized what matters, but some things have more effect and meaning? Ashley, Money, Transportation, School. Friends. They almost meant different things to me before, but now its like I had to re write a book. She'll be my best friend, for as long as I can take it, hopefully I'll be hers too for a while... Karalee and Todd are still my best friends, they're just a little more ahead in life and kinda jumped above my level... but I know they'll be there whenever I need it, I know they'll be there.. Ashley, I know she'll be there too, but I think my problem is that I want her to be there all the time. Its more of a want than a need. I will do anything for that girl, I will. Its hard to say that with how much of life i've experienced including the lack of girls, but I know for this girl, I will do anything.. anything for her.. I sound so, depressed... I'm not. I am not depressed, I questioned that before, but I am for sure, I am not depressed. This will not affect me on my mission. If anything, it'll make me stronger. She's just really a big part of my life.. Seeing her pray before she went to sleep was a total eye opener. I loved it, I shouldn't have been there really, she was kneeled over in britt's bed and britt signaled that she was praying.. I stood in on it and when she came up, it was just really cool, it made me want to pray when she prayed, it made me smile when she came up with a glow on her face with a genuine smile. She knew that I had walked in though. She probably thought it was funny. Heh, it was, not too many boys get to see that, and her on the toilet... I consider myself lucky, that is whack...

Tethered souls with no reason to live
could find their way to you,
and have a reason to die.

Obvious or not, I'm being tortured
For loving something as beautiful
as the evening sky.

Why are diamonds scattered above us?
To remind us that what we want, we can't have?
Always there to see, but never to have close to me.
Its another dream, a vision in reality.
Its just a dream.

Theres so much time on my hands right now, its my day off, been awake since 7, ran some errands with Tony, played some music, talked to Britt and Sean in chat rooms.. now I'm just kinda bored now..

Honest intentions have no definition to someone who hasn't heard those lines before.
Scattered words, mixed up thoughts, and broken hearts are all thats been defined.
Deceit, lies and shattered cries are available to the open public.

I don't know really where to start. I'm so fragmented at this moment that its almost killing me. I can't exactly remember what I was thinking about, but it was a couple days ago.. i was thinking about that. Something to do with me reading my last, old blog, and being really surprised with what I said. Harsh words, I'd hope I'd never say, I wish I didn't say, well, write.. but none the less even think. Things like that shouldn't even come out of my mouth. Regrets. Lots of regrets. I think thats been on my mind a whole lot lately. Regreting some chances I've taken, percieving that some other choices would've been better, understanding that without those choices I've made, I wouldn't be who I am, wondering who I'd be if I took those other chances, wondering who my friend would be. The list could go on and on. I just know that though all of this.. turmoil, something worthwhile will always emerge. It doesn't matter how long it'll take and what I'll be put though, I just know that with what I know, these trials will be nothing compared to the glorious joy that will be bestowed upon me hereafter. How bout whats going on right now, the people I know, and how they've changed, and how people act around each other, or not around each other. Nicki and Russel are an example.. When I first met her, we were really cool, she wasn't all moody, and boy hungry, and kinda psycho, she' was cool, laid back, kinda shy, but talkative.. Now its weird. With Russel around, she's just a biatch.. Always demanding attention, crying, whatever, being pissed off, acting like a blonde with 2.4 braincells soaking in opium. She's kinda whiney, does whatever she wants, and tries to get whatever she wants out of Russel. Russel is kinda like, ugh, whatever, she wants me, I don't.. I can't get rid of her, oh blah.. Now when I'm alone with Nicki, she's totally fine, well, unless she's venting about Russ.. kinda crazy that way.. She's nice, drives me around when I need it, lets me borrow her car.. She's cool like, that.. but weird when she's in front of a group with Russ... Russel, just plays like he doesn't like her or something.. I dont think he wants to get married, I think thats what he's thinking, but yah, Nicki thinks that they are... With the way that Russ treats her and what not around our house, it looks like they're not.. Now alone, says Tony, who saw them at hollywood video (you can look inside the windows, but not outside), said that Russel was all lovey dovey with her, holding her hand, kissing her and such.. Then when Tony walked inside and said Hi, everything dropped.. Its like theres some kinda reputation with that, and the PDA thing magnifies or something.. I thought that was all funny.. I have this bruise on my left arm from swimming today.. I was thinking about underwater punches, the resistance and the action. Trying to punch as hard as you can for 10 seconds straight is a pretty crazy workout.. Tony then punched me in the water and I took it willingly. It was really weird, it was all in slow motion, like you can see his hand rushing towards you, but it looks like it wouldn't do anything because of how slow it was moving.. then BAM he hit my arm. It was really cool. Its like the energy was stored and almost intensified in the water, it actually hurt more getting hit in the water for some reason, at least that was my perception. Cool though. I can backflip a little better now, I still want to try to gainer sometime.. I think its freakin sick. I've been swearing incessably, well not that bad, just when I've been thinking too much. The situation sometimes makes me mad, and then I just keep thinking about it, and it just stores up and I get grumpy. Then I start cussing every now and then.. its not really bad, but its like damn, and hell.. I'm getting tired, I'll finish this later when I'm more enthusiastic and can elaborate on things better.

As midnight rolls around the corner, I find myself cast away.
With only pictures of thoughts, and thoughts of pictures,
I call your name.
With the past revisited, I start drowning in darkness.
Wake me up. Awaken me. I live for love. Come save me.
Hope brings flowers that slowly fade to white.
Its plain can't you see, its all in front of you.
Chestnut jewels radiate at me, but only with one intention.
Keeping me together without tearing me apart.
A fine line of silver emerges, leading me towards Hope.
I feel the warmth, a spirit, her love and her flesh.
Grapsing all I can in haste and in a tumult of love, jealousy, and dismalness,
Hope begins to fade away, moving slowly, but looking back.
Wishing and wanting Hope to stay, it must go its way.
I'll continue to love and hurt, until my heart stops,
This isn't the end, It won't be the end and It will never end.
Apprehensive of Hope, I cling to what I have.
Taking Hope and making it Me.
The strength within me carries potential,
With Hope, it grows, and I learn.

So whats what happens when I think. I could do better. My symbolism is weak, and my choice of words, tasteless... they're feelings put into words none the less. I'm just not one for expressing it.

Work sucked, got rocked. My wrist hurts still, and it keeps bothering me. Candace was workin today, I guess its her last real day here.. she came back for the weekend or something. She's way cool.. not to mention freakin hot, she's cute too. Her voice on the headset reminds me of a Disney chipmunk.. kinda highpitched and whatnot... I think its funny. I wondered what I'd be as a Disney character...I think i'd be a mix of a tazmanian devil and roadrunner.. i dunno, fun thought.

So, I've hit one of those road blocks where its like you see where you're heading and where you were. Like if you were on a road, and those signs saying that its like 12 miles to Boulder City, or if you look the other way its like 4 miles to Henderson. I started to wonder, how did I get this far, what did I have to do to even move, what progression was made possible, and as for potential, how far can I really go, where can it take me. What changes have I made to make myself satisfactory to myself. Why have I changed like that. I've always found that I ask so many questions in times that I have nothing else to do. I never really wanted to change, I liked who I was before, I was sorta happy and content with who I was, what I had. I'm having a harder time with that now. It wasn't really like adapting, or maybe it was, but was it necessary to change so drastically? Something would always happen, whether it had to do with myself or people i love, that made me want to change something about myself, maybe as a way to deal with things, marking it as a landmark and learning from it, and maybe try to avoid it in the future... I should know about change..With the many experiences I've never thought of being put though, its like I had to, it was necessary, it was something I had to learn and possibly grow from. Its not like mistakes were made. I wouldn't say that; a mistake. It'd always be a learning experience. Or an alternate route? Detour maybe? I cut my hair, kind of insignificant really, but it marked a time where I didn't know what the freak was going on in my head, in my friendships, in my life. And it happens like that to me, I guess thats what I need to help push me along the track. Its like bursts of me pushing myself, using whatever happens as motiviation; as a change, to realize how far off I really am. Its like a wakeup call. Heh, maybe what she's doing is what I really do need. If thats the case, then, well, she thinks she's helping one way, when she's actually helping me in more than one way... i dunno, that sound really dumb, like its a thought based on how i want it to be. Whatever though.

My bike sucks, I need to schedule an appointment for the service.. During that time I'm planning to use Russel's bike and ride around on that, he said he wouldn't mind, he's loving his truck right now.. so things might work out quite well with that.. hoping that freakin motorcycle city doesn't screw me over.

Escaping.
I think i'm being overwhelmed. I broke down, I guess thats what I can call it. It was a rush. Is my life just that coincidental? It really isn't, its just good timing i guess.. I break down, Ashley comes online and messages me. I'm still in half tears and freakin out. We talked a bit, she suggests some things. Some I've tried earlier, some I didn't even try, but the ones that I did were ones that I needed to do. Pray, read my blessing. Reading my blessing calmed me down more than anything, punching the bag, working out, playing drums, trying to sleep, crying. I haven't been really good with the spirit. I need to be better at that. That and listening to my body as well as the spirit. There are so many lines I love in this blessing that I need to keep in mind, but there are some that my perception makes bias at this time. Its not bad. It just could and couldn't be applied now, it could be specific but mostly likely isn't. Some things i've heard before from karalee and ashley or other books. "Take advantage of the thigns that are available to you, opportunities for your personal development.", " The Lord wants you to learn by the experiences that come to you. He wants you to make the effort to expand your horizons, to try new things. You have been given gifts and talents. Some of these may lie dormant wihin you now. It is your responsiblity to seek to find these gifts. As yo make the effort you will see that there are things in which you have a special ability and give you great joy as you persue them. ", "Continue to seek friends who bring out the best in you. And remember that you are an important influence up them as well. You have been blessed with a natural outgoing personailty. One senses honesty in your words when you speak directly to them. This can be a great benefit to you has you speak to others about the things that you believe in your heart, especially when speaking privately on a personal basis." That one made me laugh. "- listen quietly for the Spirit which will teach you and help you to understand more about the reason and the purpose of your experiences and your very presence here on earth." she also told me to listen to the cranberries...

Vacating.
I called her shortly afterwards. I was still listening to the cranberries.. I realized that and said, why am I listening to this... ugh.. haha, they're not terribly bad, just the jumpy voice kinda throws me off... We talked like we normally do. Same familiar tones, words, laughter. Funny and weird. Theres not enough time to focus on crap. Elyssa stressed that out tonight.. I talked to Elyssa for a good while. It was well worth it. Her randomness and kinda peppy and odd outlook was exactly what I needed. She just makes me laugh, talking about everything from what ashley's complaining about (chapstick), cucumber cleaning junk, showering, shaving, smelling funny, to colors of rooms.. She's just so funny, i miss her and britt too. I need to go visit. It was cute, Elyssa jumped on the phone and told me that she hasn't seen me in forever and that I need to come over. I love my sisters. They be so funny. They make me feel loved. I love it. Love is good.

I dont' think i've left my room since I got in here. I haven't even gone to the bathroom. Haha.. Secluded by my own will of isolation. I'm going to go on the roof and play guitar...

Sometimes sleep isn't as good as I'd want it to be. I woke up wanting to cry not knowing why. I didn't dream of much. Its really hard to breathe, I don't know what do say. I'm feeling so heavy hearted that I can't even con myself into getting a soda, yet alone do anything that I'd like to do. Bowling seemed to be a failure. I might go and play pool or watch stars by myself. Maybe I do have something with depression. I should ask sean if hes felt the same way. It wouldn't be ideal if I came home from depression. I feel like I just want to ball up in my bed, cry, and hope I fall asleep. Not really knowing if tomorow will be a good day or not. Today was great. I just can't seem to make it like this though. I sure can try.

Is it just coincidence or is there a reason why the words I say, she's said, or just said?
I feel like butt. Work was tiring. I had no energy, and the only energy that I got was from being pissed off in the middle of the day, which made me work fries like woah. Did potatoes twice, the first time in the mornin I did it in like.. an hour and then some, the second time, 34 minutes with cleanup. Why was I pissed off? I have no idea, but I was freakin irate.

Ash doesn't sound like she's doin too well.. i hope she comes, maybe it'll be good for her... maybe she'll be good for me.. i don't know.

Just got done. Long day.. Finally prepped for tomorrow at least, all the meat and what not is done.. I told wade to get his shiz outta the kitchen, he said he'll do it later in they day. I come home around 2 am, and its still not done.. I notice that he's awake, and well, I unplug the internet. 2 minutes later, here comes wade... I'm cuttin up meat and then he starts cleaning.. oh wait, he just moved a box.. that was it.. Joe leaves a mess where ever he goes.. the bathroom is a mess, i'll take care of that tomorrow... and well, the kitchen is all joe.. freakin massive mess maker.. freakin clean up after yourselves. The day went pretty well, work wasn't too bad. I love karalee.. Karalee, it really spaces my mind that you read this. I totally forget it all the time. In your words "I love you to pieces." Thanks for always being there, I should really listen to you more often. I'm glad I have a sistermotherfriend like you to keep me alive when I need it. I enjoy seeing you at work and I love it. Haha, I was really surprised when you mentioned the blogspot.. it threw me off a whole lot, then after finishing my sentence today, I kinda realized that you keep up with me even when we don't hang out. Love it. I do.

Work was work, after that, I rocked out for a while, brushed up on some songs, sang my little heart out and relaxed that way for a while.. I guess i'm teaching wade the bass in a sense... He's kinda hanging with You're So Last Summer. Joe can't do jack crap, it bothers me that he thinks he's so damn good. I rock his brains out. Ugh. Wade was impressed with me and that, at least he knows that I AM better than Joe, not like I really need to prove it to anyone. Playing the drums has been a workout, my arms have been feelin goood, energetic and alive. I also broke 2 drumsticks today.. I guess I'm emotionally set in music at the moment, I haven't played volleyball in forever, so I guess this works pretty well.. I'm always breaking a sweat when I'm in there... and the ac's freezing.

I hung out with Lawrence, Brad, Christina, Xiera and Danny again tonight. This time at Lawrence's place.. I bought a new game at Starbucks for 8 bucks.. Its really kinda fun, its a card game, Uno-ish, but its a Cranium game. I liked it, Christina liked it.. I got to drive Lawrence's car, e-brake and all.. woot. My bike still sucks.. We played the full on Cranium. I felt bad cuz I suck so much at that game. I was with Christina, we didnt' fall behind too badly, infact we were ahead for a while, but we lost.. in last place, at the very end... It was fun though. I'm really kinda excited for tomorrow, but I know it's gonna be hell. I hope that everything goes well, and that everything works.. and gets done (cleaning wise). Karaoke may be going on in Tony's room with the PA system. I kinda want to play and sing, but then again.. I'm kinda shy, its getting better though, and I play it off so well that I don't care about what people think now that I could probably do it... Its weird enough singing infront of wade and joe when I'm playing tbs. It'll be fun if someone else could sing and I could play, and maybe if we had a good drummer...

Heather and Dawn called today... Interesting like woah. Wade, Joe and other people are somewhat giving me pressure to date Heather. Its getting really obvious that she likes me.. I dunno how I feel about that.. Its a dumb weird situation with being her first, and uh, maybe being my real first.. I dont' think Jen would really count... it was only like 2 weeks anyway, more like a hookup.. HA.. I said it. Dawn? Why the heck does she still call me... She's kinda keeping in touch with me through wade.. really odd.. ugh.. Not touchin that fo sho. The more I think about girls, the more I realize that I need to leave for my mission. I can't forget that that's my goal for right now.. Not making money really, not selling ipods, MISSION. Heavenly Father has definitely been watching over me, and I'm loving it. Things could always be worse, and its been great to be able to realize that. I seriously need to go to church though, i slept through this past sunday, didnt' really feel too well about that either, but at least I was reading some missionary reference library books.. not like thats a good substitiute, but at least I was studying.

Ash.

I'll be alright. Its not the end of the world. I can handle this. Tomorrow will be good. It'll start a new week in which I won't be thinking about things that hold me back. The future is what's ahead, and its only going to be as good as I make it. I can't wait to grow my hair back. I cut my thumb tonight.. not really, i cut the nail pretty badly, but it doesn't hurt, and it could've been worse.. it was scary, I should be rushed to do anything while I'm holding a knife and have celery in front of me.

I love you Karalee. I haven't said that much, and I miss hanging out with you immensely. As much as it doesn't look like it, you're still a priority in my life. I know how good that makes you feel sometimes, and I don't want you to forget that. We've been through so much. I won't let stupid things interfere with our relationship. I've learned that on my own as well as with examples from not worth mentioning names type douchebags.

I beat B-rad in armwrestling... I swear he was going to beat me.. he looks buff and works out... it was a good show at least, lawrence christina and xiera liked it.. my veins were popping out everywhere on my arms and head.. ew. Christina likes the arm ones.. that makes me feel really selfconscious about that... ew... ew.. ew. ew.. i hate the word ew... nasty nasty nastay.

I need a massage from a squires.

I've been writing a lot. A whole lot lately. It feels good to be able to get things out in your perspective, even if they are totally whacked out and wrong. Ugh, I miss ashley. But I can't, well shouldn't. or should i?? Geez, it just sucks, I don't know where i'm standing with her really, I'm pretty sure I don't ever, just ups and downs, always learning something along the irregular voltage. She's been one of the few that I really care about. I guess thats why I'm always in such a stir with her. And its great. When it seems that no one cares about me, I just remember that she does. I don't celebrate birthdays decoratively. I just say hey, happy birthday me. I'd be happy if my family said happy birthday. I don't really tell anyone about my birthdays, and when it comes, I don't really flash it around sayin that I'm 20, or whatever age.. the past 2 years, weird, its been 2 years now, out of what.. 4? She's dragged me somehow to do something, and make me a cake. Heh, she's so funny. Draggin me out to dinner. Makin me an awesome cake with skittles and what not.. i sitll have those candles.. gettin me over to her house, chillin, then surprisin me with a cake again... she's just a good friend. I see why i'd want to hang out with her so much. But she's right, its probably not good for me right now, and I'm making her uncomfortable, then yah, she's totally right. I wouldn't want that for her. I don't think people understand how it is.. they see it, assume it, and accept it as they see it. That makes me laugh. Yet another person thought we dated.. I don't know how he thought that, but it makes me laugh.. The'll ask, didn't you guys date? I'd reply, um.. no.. and they'd be like "really?!" and i'd have my fist ready to hit them in the face if they asked again after I said no... I just tell them that she's a good friend, my best friend and thats it. Heh, i swear i've written about that before. it sounds so familiar... Oh wow.. I better get to church.

La la la la, I'm still kickin...

Ashley astounds me with her words, it makes me wonder how much she really thinks. Where does she come up with this and why? But its good.
"Why do things change? So people can learn the lessons they are meant to. So they can grow and experience life to the fullest. Whatever that means for that person. Life isnt easy, and sometimes it makes no sense, but its in those times that you have to have faith and realize that there is more to it. So much more under the surface. If we are too scared to look then we jeopardize what we could potentially learn. What we could find out about ourselves and others. We are our own handicap. Our negativity, pessimistic views and hate drive us away from they things we really want, the things we know will make us happy. Why? Because we are afriad to face certain realities, afraid to see what we already know. Can you ever just be happy? I would love to think so. But I think its almost impossible to let oursleves be totally happy. We thrive on opposition. It makes blood run through our veins. It makes us realize whats important. So do we really want to be JUST happy? I dont think so. You need the Yin with the Yang. The question is how to you come to accept it and just be ok with whatever you need to figure out. Why are we so afraid of what we might or might not become. We are so scared of failure that we constanly sell ourselves short, and for what? What do we lose? Thats it... we have nothing to lose. And everything to gain. Experience, wisdom, love, trust, the ability to adapt... the ability to survive."

I haven't gone and analyzed what she said as if it were pertaining to me, but then again, why would it. Well, I could see maybe some parts, but still, I don't have that big of a part I don't think. Well, she's moving, as much as that sucks. She's got the will to move and the determination to make it work. I just hope she makes it work for her.

I saw her last night, I was on the way out when the squires family came in. I was makin my rounds saying bye to people and what not, so I said hi and bye to the squires. Ash, of course, was beautiful. It was hard not to treat her like something, and nothing. Treating her differently is hard being that I've treated her one way for a long time, and doing otherwise is truely different. I think she'll notice and either be aggravated with me or just not care. Sucks either way. Todd invited me to the movie they were gonna watch last night, I said that I might go... Charlie and the Chocolate factory... funny, I think Annie also told me that they were going to see a movie that night too... Ash called me, and by the time I got home, I was exhausted. The heat was killer and totally didn't help with me wanting to ride my bike across town. I'm really sick of doing that, especially if nothing happens. I don't have too much money either.. I gotta send out my bills tomorrow for my tickets, but I don't have the addresses for them, I should have envelopes that it came with, but I lost them... plus, I've got to deal with the dentist tomorrow, I hope.. Well, she said that they were gonna call back on monday to finalize some things and get me situated.. So with that, riding far distances, and being dehydrated. I didnt' go. Instead, I stayed up, tried to stay up and help lee finish Hustons computer. I crashed out on my bed half sitting up against my wall.

Yesterday was actually really bomb. Store meeting in the morning, then went home for a little, played a whole lot of music, then russell came over and lee showed him to tony's room in which I was playing. We chatted, and he drove me to his house where I talked to his family for a while, then went to play racketball with him, his dad and bob who met us there.. I can beat russell. And Steve is just amazing.. Yeesh.. He gave me a workout for the life of me. Too bad this was only my 2nd time playing.. I'll keep up with him by the 5th time I play. He said he was amazed with my reactions and ability to touch the ball. I guess russell can't do that..

Alright, so the drums are getting better for me, really easily now. Its really easy for me to sense out beats and figure them out now, its like things are magnified in my head so that I can perform them with my hands. I didn't know how to play drums 2 weeks ago, and now at least I can keep up with some stuff. Nothing like Tony of course, but I'll be there some day. Apparently I'm getting better, and its somehting I like, so I'll keep doing it.

Got home from swimming around 4:48am... It was fun, Sushi was fun. Sushi, then chillin and swimming. It was great, work sucked, I'm a guinea pig... I'll be working some weird shifts now.. 9am to 5, doing potatoes twice a day, or I start at 3pm and get off around 11, also starting with potatoes. Lots of people, meaning around 18 or 19 people came to sushi, most of which I didn't know and were parts of Mylene's and Elane's church group. Brad, Danny, Christina, Xiera, Lawrence and I were the only people I really knew... It was fabulous. Brad, Mylene, Christina, Xiera and Lawrence went swimming with me at Amore's.. well, Christinas... That was fun, it took us a while to actually leave the appartment, it was kinda comfortable and we were all being lazy.. also catching up with lisa as well... i'm jealous, she was in chicago. ugh..

Its 6:25. I haven't slept yet. Its really hard to believe that yesterday was yesterday, Kyle and Sheena came over, I saw Russel and Chris come in.. thats funny, I didn't notice that Russel and Chris kinda sound like Russell Thomas and Chris Schriver.. saw them at work and at home, I haven't really seen them for a while.. Jen, Tony, Kyle, Sheena and I chilled in my room (since it doesn't smell like butt like the rest of the house) and talked and chilled.. I kinda miss Kyle living here.. He's become a lot better with the drug use and the alcohol use. Heh, he should move back in, that'd be fun.

I looked at kimball's livejournal, saw that ashley put him on her friends list again, and said screw that.. Actually, I don't know exactly how I felt. It was more like, big deal, why should I get worked up about that. Then it was like, whatever with that girl, she can say one thing and do the other, she doesn't need to explain everything she does to me. I wonder what made her look at his journal anyway.. whatever I don't care... I think.

I took more pictures this morning. Amazing pictures turned out today. I loved it. I just grabbed my camera and walked out in my pj's around 5:40, when the sun was just starting to come out. It was really refreshing, cool, calm, and really peaceful. It was relaxing and soothing. I should wake up earlier. Well, go to bed earlier and go to sleep earlier... I really should follow that part of the word of wisdom... I'll be needing it. Yah, these pictures though.. I'm almost excited to show them off, but I only took a few, and I think only a couple turned out extremely well.. I know I got at least 3 really good ones. Ash'd be proud. Anyone who cared would be proud.. Christina looked through some of my ipod photos and saw the pictures I took.. She was in her own words "stunned" and "amazed" and that I should be come a "photographer" or "something." Makes me feel good...

Saturday.. Wedding reception.. I'm excited and not at the same time, it'll be fun.. kinda crazy that Seana is getting married now too... no wait, thats really crazy.

Christina and Reuben are buying iPods off of me.. woot. go me...

So I'm still alive... I haven't 1. Killed myself 2. Crashed 3. Roasted to death 4. Become emotionally delicate 5. been extremely bored 6. fixed my bike 7. Called the dentist or 8. Become terribly depressed.

Thats good. Good job Jmz. I sure do get caught up in some weird stuff though.. at least I'm occupied. Keeps me level. Last night was Lawrence's birthday... We went to Buca and ate some good grubbin. I hung out with people I don't normally hang out with, yet alone really associate myself with. I did get to see Nick though. That was really kinda surprising. Lets see.. Lawrence, Xiera, Pounds, Monique, Tilly, Kevin (her boyfriend), Me, Danny, Mylene, Mylene's sister, Mylene's sister's boyfriend, Christina, Brad, Kim, and Nick. I think thats all of them around the table. It was fun, wasnt' the most fun I've ever had, but it more than I normally have by myself at home. Its really kinda weird, one thing happens, and I isolate myself, it kinda finalizes, and well, openings just kinda show up. Heh.. anyway, after dinner, Danny, Kim, Tilly and her boyfriend came to my house to chill. Mostly Danny and I kinda wanted to do some Rockin Out. Plus, I wanted to show off Tony. Haha, he likes that. Anyway, we played the usual junk infront of Danny just to let him know how skilled Tony is. And well, I let Danny try playin el guitar with his finger and what not.. that didnt' work too well... So then I remembered that he sang.. and he says he sings.. and that he knows songs... well those are like 2 things I shouldn't have remembered. Kid can sing. or try to. none the less its singing right? right. Sing well? Not so much, he sings as well as a man drowning in the salt water ocean, not even man, more like a boy drowning... Dissappointed? Pretty much. His library of songs he knew didn't impress me much either. TBS? Nothin.. don't know the words to the song... Blah blah.. Ugh.. well, it was worth trying I guess.. I know Tony was like, wtf on the inside... Weird situations.. I swear.. Anyway, with that, Kim was chillin and hangin out, Tilly and her Bf didnt' come inside for a while and chilled in the car, and around the corner, and most probably got some in the car, then came back. By the time they came back, we were chillin... Kim and Danny went outside to get high. Yah, that was kinda uncomfortable.. well it really wasn't, I had no desire to even try it. I was just there to talk to them. Its really weird.. Danny's voice changes, and Kim just, well, looks more asian I guess.. her eyes get more squinty. I wondered if she was even awake sometimes.. After that, they came inside and we played a little bit of Counterstrike.. That was funny.. Danny is a very interesting person. Dispite the slight jealousy I felt with Ash about him, he's alright.. he talks a whole lot when he's high, and trips out over the weirdest things.. like him actually killing someone in the game.. Definitely interesting people... Kim, I didn't think smoked. I wouldnt' say that I was dissappointed, well I could, but I wasn't really expecting anything from her. It'd be different if Ash or Heather did it, it'd be definitely different if they did crap like that behind my back. Someone said that Ash wasn't really a good girl. I was like, she better be, not like I can really care now, but I told him/her, i forgot who dang it... that she doesn't do anything, i dunno if she ever did before, she might have, but I'm pretty sure that she doesn't now.. I think I remembered being a little questionable about that after the day was done at work... Bah, alright, so Danny was kinda weird to hang out with, besides not really being all that great with some or any music... He was sure impressed with Tony, as I expected... Tilly, well, she got in some trouble that night.. She told her she went to work. Well she did, but she left early, but didnt' go home, she went out to eat with us and lawrence. That was around 5 that she got off, she didnt' get home till like 1, and she didnt' really want to, she knew she was in trouble and needed to make an excuse or something.. So the whole time that she was chillin over here, she was freakin out like whoa, sayin, Mykii, help me come up with an excuse... I thought of a whole lot of stuff, mostly stuff that I've used before.. back in the day, haha, those rebel times.. then i just told her to use my phone and call her and tell her that she's hangin out over at my place... for some reason she actually did that, and well, she didn't get off perfectly, but it turned out better than she thought.. I was glad. Her mom was crazy though.. I guess she went to 165 and freaked out on Steve and some other people.. Thats funny... Danny asked me about Ashley last night during dinner. Asked if I still talk to her. I said, yah, occasionally... For some reason I felt like I lied, didnt' feel good at all... as he kept on goin about how Ashley is an amazing girl and what not.. like I don't know. geez, get with the news kid. I was her best friend, or thats what she said, and she is my best friend. I know that girl's tight... it just made me laugh.. I didn't really get too mad or jealous or uncomfortable.. I just felt like I lied about something.. We're supposed to go eat sushi tonight, lawrence and I and danny and a bunch of other people... I asked karalee this mornin if she wanted to go, she doesn't really know, since todd doesn' t really touch the stuff... who knows... SJ came into work today too, I haven't talked or seen that girl for a couple months, and she wants to hang out on sunday or something... then later on Brandon and Chelsa came in and said they wanted to hang out sometime.. Chelsa said that she learned this rice ice cream that i'd love or something like that... some kind of rice dessert... I'm excited.. Its just weird how these people just kinda appear.. funny stuff... I'd still rather hang with ashley though, well at least see her or something... Its finally hitting me that she's really moving. I hope she does well in school down there.. I know mandy will take care of her, if she doesnt' take care of herself.. heh, she's going to be 20, the same age as me... except, heh, she's going to be married in a year or so.. I wouldn't doubt if she did.. I dont' think too many guys know how special this girl is, but once they do, heh, it'll be over.. I took down her collage from my wall, before everyone came over, and Kim asked what that board was.. Why's it so hard to break away.. geez.. so she made me hang it back up because it was cute.. great, cute.. more of what I need... So I love the necklace that annie gave me.. I've worn it a lot recently.. pretty nice, I still cant' believe that I don't know where my others went... kinda ticks me off... Working with karalee is a blast. I love it. Makes me smile.. I'll come in with a busy mind, and I know she knows that I do, and she'll break me out of it. She's so weird and funny and normal at the same time... I love her, she's great.. good sister... hahaa, Sj told me to invite my sisters and todd on sunday too.. that made me laugh... my sisters... sister... sisters? Referring to Karalee and Ashley? Um alright.. that works for now I guess... OOh, and Mikey Wilson called me up for Volleyball today too... I'm not having the time of my life, but its sure getting somewhat busy... it'd be cool if ash would come and hang out with me, but I know she won't, so I wont ask.. Ugh, this is'nt about ash, this is about me... If I'm gonna have fun, it'd be nice if she was there, but I'm no longer going to stop myself from having fun when she's not here. I'm so confused sometimes, in words things look so different... its hard putting things into words... words.. plays on words... if live was a written book, no one would understand it.

So I buzzed my hair off... I never expected to really do it, but I had a sudden impulse on sunday to just get rid of it. I got sick of looking at myself and not being satisified with what I may look like. I decided that cutting it off and dealing with embarassment or whatever comes with it, may be good for me. Trying not to care about what people think is pretty hard sometimes, especially when you have "someone to impress," or when you have Tony next to you. Heh, too bad I don't have anyone to impress, or do I? Bah, chasing dreams. I've been by myself quite a bit the past couple of days, coping with boredom and laziness. I've been playing Xenogears a little bit more, also been reading Our Search For Happiness, and watching an anime. Xenogears, man I love that game, the story behind it is so.. well, squaresoft makes all their games with really good freakin stories... all with action and love and all that good stuff, no wonder I'm still playing it. Reading in general has been pretty calming and soothing. Refreshing my memory of things I know and looking at what I believe in makes me feel so much better. Ranma 1/2 is just a great time passer. I can see why Annie gets hooked on Tv series often.. They always keep you wanting more, well at least most of the time.. I used to watch a lot of anime, I guess it came with being asian, and fitting in at school. Hell, I never fit in at school anyway, people just don't like me, well, they like a different part of me. I'm pathetic, I can face that at least. My bike has been keeping me worried. Slowly dying, making funny sounds. Makes me wish I had the Gsx-R, which people keep reminding me of. Sad story. Stupid stupid stupid. Situation, Kimball, Bike. So out of curiosity, I checked Kimball's livejournal. Apparently he just started writing again. The 1st was the first post, and today was the second. For lack of better words, all I can say is, Whatever! Makes me kinda laugh actually. Sad though. I guess he was in town this weekend, well, thats what todd said. As stated, we're not friends anymore. I have extra time and emotions to spare, but not enough I dont think...Anyway, its been alright. I'm living.

I bought cherries, carrots, martenelli's apple juice and some yogurt.. i'm set for the next week.

And for some reason, earlier today, I was thinking about how I haven't written in a while. Stressed anything that needed stressing. But whatever, anyone who cares would figure it out. Too bad I don't know too many people that really do anymore.

Its extremely hard to try to speak a clear mind without having anger try to release itself in ways that you'd never expect. Self control is something I lack. I'm so irrational at times that at the moment, irrationality seems realisticly rational. I don't think too much sometimes, and when I do, it's always too late. My mind is always so clouded about things that should've been said, should've been done, should've been but never was. I'm hardly able to think about whats going to happen and how to act. No, react. I've realised that anger gets the best of me often. I get so steamed about something small, that the next small thing makes it worse, then after that, I try not to care anymore, hoping that it'll blow over and be done with. Most of the time, it gets worse after that. I realise that that isn't the best thing to do, infact, makes me look really stuipid and careless about the most important things that matter to me. My happiness and that of another's.
But what am I to expect. Something perfect? something imaginitive and sweet? caressing words and contact? If I did, I'd better be in some kind of anime where everything is tweaked to minds of the creator. Ashley makes me so irratated. This isnt' the first time its happened, but its the first time that her reaction was something I didn't expect. But another first time where I reacted like a dumbass instead of someone I wanted to be. I guess man's nature is somewhat.. rude... and I still don't think that its a mind game.. thats just jacked up... anyway. Its somewhat selfish to think about everything in my point of view. But if I don't, I'll never will, and I'll probably be walked all over without my own personality. We're supposed to watch a movie tonight.. great, good idea.. I talk about it over work with karalee. So far so good, sounds good and expected it to be good. She's off, tells me to call her, I'm reminded to call annie after work. I follow up with both, neither answer. I get home, play drums for a while, call again, then resume playing drums. I finally get a call from Karalee saying that they're no longer going to watch the movie at 7:20 or whatever, I say alright, they have other plans, no biggie, so we're going at 9:40.. I call ash up and we exchange few lines. She calls back tellin me that she's gettin food and to come over whenever.. Thats cool.. so I think great, movie starts at 9:40.. If I made it over there now, i'd be able to at least chill with her longer before we go to the movie. I try starting my bike, and somethings jacked up.. I tried fixing a little bit here and there, and ran my battery out. I jumped it and afterwards it started up. Great.. I look at the time and its about 8:40. Jay comes in the house while I'm cleanin up and wonders where everyone else is.. thats cool great.. I leave, its about 9. I arrive at the squires house after a freakin crappy ass ride over there, around 9:28.. at least thats the last time I checked my phone.. Ash's car isn't there, I walk inside say hi hello brad whatnot, no one replies... i found food on the counter and ate half, and looked at the time again. 9:32. Still no ash. I assumed thats he maybe went out early to get something from the store, so I tried calling her and left her a message.. Then I rode my crap ass bike to sams town.. called karalee there, found out that they're not coming and don't plan to, and they told me to go up to janelle's.. I said fine. whatever. Could've called.. whatever I'm over it. Apparently Ash got some heat from Karalee about it.. I decided to go back to the squires thinkin that I'd eat the rest of that sandwich. I walk in, ash is watchin 24. great. I say whats up, she said somethin, i dunno, not much some short reply.. that was that. Period. She's not exactly one to apologize meaningfully at the moment. I've noticed that, and I've noticed that she's not one to really empathize with other people about things like that. I didn't expect for her to say sorry. I didn't expect to only get 2 or 3 words out of her either. She didn't seem like someone I really wanted to hang out with honestly. She had her stressed out "i'm pissed off about something small, but i'll get over it in 5 minutes" type look on her and she still looked good damn it. she still looked good. I wasn't very happy about anything already, and I was expecting anything more than whats up and a blank stare at the tv. It hurt in the weirdest way I'd think it could. Just shoot me, it wouldn't make a difference to you. It mostly felt cold, and I couldn't even watch 24 for the first 5 minutes, I kept thinking... I got a couple more words out of her, something about karalee bitchin at her at my behalf... that didn't make me feel any better or any more comfortable.. well, we watched 24 till it was over and done then listened to 2 songs, no really just 1 and a few seconds of another, then she gets a phone call... she talked for a good hour while I meddled around on the floor and on the computer, then pretty much didn't feel wanted or appreciated that i was there so I left. I didn't expect for her to come out and get me after I left. I was really kind of shocked. She's cute. I she's never done that before, and the last thing that I remember thats similar to that was when she'd get pissed off because I wouldn't say bye or give her a hug when I left... I acted like I'd never think I'd act to her. She stood there, looking at me, and I couldn't look straight at her. I know its a sign of being insecure, which I probably am, and she was just beautiful, its one of those tv moments. Outside, staring at me at night while looking hot. Its a kodak moment.. I really just wanted to leave and not deal with her, but she stood behind my bike and it wouldn't have made it better, but staying and failing to realize that I didnt change and stayed a jerk didn't make it better.. I managed to piss her off and made her walk away and go inside.. I was pissed off that I acted that way and pissed off that she was also mad and not really realizing what was going on with her and what she was doing. I mean I guess she mentioned it, but it sounded muffled and didn't really seem like she knew what exactly she was sorry for. I tried calling her twice. I looked in the window and saw that she was on the phone, and for some reason, the 2 people I didn't want to think about came to mind. John and Kimball. Perfect. I thought to myself, screw her, she can talk on the phone to them all she wants. I'm leaving and wont be here forever. It pissed me off that she didn't pick up. So then I left. At the end of treeline and vegas valley, I almost get rear ended by another bike. Full on almost hit me at a good speed around 30 or 40. I was like WTF? and he said that my brake light wasn't on. I said great, the last time that I did that, I pretty much did get rear ended. So I was pissed off that I had to, what seemed like crawling, back to ashley to get tools... I called again, she didn't answer, she was probably thinking whatever, i'm done dealing with you, you irratate me. I knocked, no answer. So i opened the garage and started looking for a screwdriver. I couldn't find one, then ash opened the door. I wanted her to, and really didnt' want her to. The jerk inside of me came out again and just didn't feel good at all.. I tried to keep quiet, but all that came out were dumb rude remarks... are you tyrin to wake up my dad? yah duh exactly what i'm trying. Smart of me.. real smart. She said what kind of screw driver, and i didn't hear her the first 3 times, then said plus in a reall dumb voice... plus.. who the heck says plus... its freakin phillips. I'm such a freakin dumbass. I said I was sorry for the way I was acting. I think I said something stupid as well like, I hate loving and hating you, or something, maybe its hard loving and hating you. I didn't really know what that meant. anyway, I said I was sorry and she's gave the shrug and didn't really want to talk about it. She went inside and shut the garage, and I thought, heh, she's probably going to go back on the phone and talk with the friends I dont have, and otherwise don't want. I'm really tired of finalizing that I'm the one wrong. I'm the one that starts things. It probably was my fault that I arrived late. I called and left annie a message though.. She could've called me and told me that she was going to janelles, or maybe that she wasn't going to sams town at all.. but I guess that woudln't have happened if I showed up when I wanted to. If that didn't happen, she wouldn't have some dumb conversation with karalee. I'd come over and she'd be fine, I woudlnt' be pissed off, she woudlnt' be pissed off.. the phone call might have happened, but i wouldn't be pissed off until then at least. I can't help but feel bad. I wanted to not leave and end the night like that. It was the first time in a long time that I got to see her, it just didn't work out and i'm pissed about that. Mostly pissed at myself because i really didn't have to be like that. Be gay. Be lame, Be a rude jerk. But she didn't have to be rude either, she really didn't, but at least she came out to say bye to me and try to talk to me. That felt like a dream. But still couldn't act upon any normal actions... its just so freakin lame... so now what.. she says that she doesn't want to talk about it now.. when are we going to talk about it.. is it worth talking about it later? god, i love her. I really do. but I shouldn't hate myself for loving her the way I do. I wish she could see that, feel that I have to put myself though shit to hang out with her. If she only knew what I have to go through each day, knowing that the best thing thats ever happened to you walks around you with a shield up with a sign posting, untouchable. Knowing that being best friends makes it so much harder than it normall would be, but I wouldn't see it any other way. knowing that jealousy runs to my mind as love runs to my heart. If only. Then what. I do things for her that i'd never do for anyone else, but i can't get my hopes up for anything that could happen, why? To say it won't would make it not happen, but to say that its not possible at this time, makes it feasable. also giving me hope.

I was riding back home, and looked at myself. Something I didn't want to be, something I don't want to be. Drama. Kimball, Me, the same? Impossible, but with this drama that I'm causing, that I see myself causing, yah, theres a similarity. I hope that I cause the same stupid crap I caused tonight. I think I'm picking up stupid defense mechanisms. Damn. The girl of my dreams, my many dreams comes to talk with me, and I turn into a jerk, a passive cold jerk. And the thought that runs in the back of my mind is, shut up and just kiss her.

My thought process is ever changing. I guess I'm pickin up more mood swings with the changing as well.. I'm so random and its funny, at work, karalee and I had this out of the blue short convo about elyssa's thought process and mine and hers.. Randomness.. pure craziness... but in so many different and same ways... I never thought I'd be so emotional at times. I never thought I'd do things on impulse and almost end up regretting it if it weren't for the smile I see for 2 seconds. I'd think that I'd be someone different, really different when I come home from my mission. Maturity would make sense. I'm still in highschool, thats what I'm thinking. As much as I have responsibilties, I think I don't. I can help joe with big brotherly crap about what to do with life and what not, but at the same time I don't want to say it, because, well, I want to be doing what he's doing. I've grown in a different direction.

I think I'm going to go take pictures tomorrow morning... hopefully my eye will catch some of ashley in a flower or a tree or something. Sometimes nature could use a touch of annie.

I like these pants I'm wearing, they're comfy, but a little big... My bike sucks, like really sucks, I think my carburator is going kaput. I'll have to overhaul it soon, and probably my exhaust needs to well, have exhaust.. or a muffler, that would help.. I don't want a bike so much anymore, unless its a nice fast bike that looks good and beefy. One that has "makes you look good, and feel good", as well as "chicks love this bike" in the features and specifications of the bike at least.

Is it depression when you think that if you'd kill yourself, she wouldn't care? Its not a fun thought. but i end up asking myself that a lot. She shouldn't do this to me, no, I shouldn't do this to me.

Locked down and alienated, confused and complicated, Now it seems you still have my heart. Now forced to breathe without you, Sometimes I get the feeling everything is tearing out my heart. But I’m scared of what I’ll find, The search for answers just keeps going nowhere. All I know is that it’s killing me inside, As I raise this final bottle to the sky. Here's to promises that die, Here's to all the nights we said our last goodbyes; As we burned another day off all our lives. Here's to memories that will fade, like the photographs that scream of better days, It’s all weighing on my mind.