Cool, so i'm not stressing that much anymore.. well I never really was... about those Ipods... Hmm, well apparently lee's mom wants to buy one off of me, and tony does too.. so well, 2 of 2 are sold.. I just bought another one on e-bay for pretty cheap, I'll prolly give that one to ash.. Lets see, with the 600 bucks that i'll be gettin back, I'll be able to buy a 60 gig ipod photo for the same price as a 30 gig.. then be able to resell it for more... profit=mykii. Good idea, if I do say so myself...

I went swimming today, yah, me doing some crappy swimming.. i really suck at it, plus i'm toothpick skinny, maybe that should make me swim faster or something.. whatever though, I'm not looking too good lately, really skinny still, big freakin zit on my nose again, and well my hair is pretty f'd up.. its f'd up so much that I don't really care enough about it to change it... And well, then you had ash and her sisters all up in the pool as well... annie is too dang sexy, looks too good and really just is amazing... i had to check out her butt, haha, it toned up a lot since that picture last year.. that made me laugh.. Elyssa kept doing these wanna be cartwheels into the pool, which kinda looked like gazelles tripping and rolling into some water... then repeating it over and over... britt and I were kinda doing these backward flip thing dives ish thing.. it was kinda scary.. I didn't think I could even rotate that far in my life.. kinda crazy, but I did it.. It was fun... I have a hard time talking to ash when she's in a bathing suit.. or whenever she's just too pretty for words.. I can't act upon any instinct and it sucks... I just look like a normal goofy looking doofus that hangs around hot girls...

My bike's problem may only be minor.. backpressure on the engine.. its too free flowing.. I need to restrict it a little and I should have some power back, probably not all of it just cuz of the damage I might have caused.. But I increased the length of the pipe so there is some pressure in the pipe... my bike is screaming loud again, like louder than normal.. i think i'm going to be shot.. and my top speed went up to 75 instead of 55... that worked...

I'm at home... I could be on a couch, waking up to scriptures, and from what I hear, good breakfast... I thought I was going to stay, but at the last moment, I didn't feel like I should.. i felt kinda hesitant... I would've liked to have have waffles strawberries and ice cream.. maybe sometime in the future.. i guess i missed out this time...

I'm burning ashley's cds.. She's got a lot, I have most of them on my computer already.... Hmm, maybe if the Ipod arrives soon enough, I'll be able to put all these cds on the Ipod for her... as well as have cds... geez, I'm too good of a friend sometimes... and i dont' feel that appreciated most of the time.. yet I still chase a dream and hang around... Could this be my thought of love? She hasn't loved me... I need to stop, i'll put myself into depression again.. wouldnt' be good for the mission...

Alright, so it hasn't been that long, and well, a lot of things have happened.. Its going to take a lot of getting used to, and a lot of determination to get things done... First off, well, ashley's been gone, so I haven't really been doing too much outside of my house, yet alone anyone else's house.. I finished painting, cleaned my room and moved out of it.. So yah, now i'm in my new oddly done room, which is kind of bothering me for some reason unknown (tony says he likes it, its got some good feng shui, like he knows what that is).. Its not that bad, I like it I guess... My mom gave me more money for some reason, I think she just wants me to go on my mission so I can get home faster and go to school... So well, She gave me some cash, and what do I do?? Something irresponsible and bid on an Ipod I didn't really think I was gonna win on.. 30 Gig Photo Ipod.. man, it retails for like 400 bucks, and i bid it at 315.. so well, i guess if I really wanted an Ipod, I got one for a good deal.. Well, I'm kinda half excited about having an Ipod, I really wanted one for the longest time, but I still need to pay lee rent, and finish paying my tickets off... So after the Ipod, I have about 300 bucks left.. not really enough to pay off my tickets... well, enough to pay off one, so I'll at least be better off next month.. I'm breaking out with zits again, its really annoying.. nose bleeds are draining like fountains.. I think now is the perfect time to open up that humidifier that janelle and steve got me for christmas.. Just to think that I'm really so close to getting my papers in... well, its really trippy, I got my physical done, but it didnt' really go all that well, I gotta go back in again for a urine test, i guess they found some protein in it or something marking that I must've been really dehydrated.. or smokin somethin.. ha. I worked a lot at 86 this week, it was a different experience, I liked it for the most part, but people are pretty lazy over there.. well, some people, the cooks kinda work their butts off... It was fun though, I worked with DJ a lot and Jake... I didn't like Mo so much, he's a fag bag... steve duran is just a fattass too.. I got to work with jimmy the last day there and it was pretty cool... The first day was pretty chill, I worked 2nd board most of the day, then got to work the board over there, and well.. that was fun, kinda crazy, I also did onion which was really odd.. man it sure makes your hands smell like butt.. Well, that day wasn't that bad at all, it was a little different, I was startled to find in the warehouse, a bra on a ladder.. like wrapped on a ladder, and um, it wasn't brand new, and it wasn't really dirty either.. which kinda makes me wonder.. not really just makes me say what the heck is up with that... and whoever it was didn't have a big chest.. she probably had a nice chest.. i dunno, weird... The 2nd day was coolio too, I worked fries a lot that day, then just got to chill for a while doing handout.. Leash, or alicia was working drive board.. I looked at her and was about to say I know you, but i pointed at her and she's like, yes, you know me.. it was kinda freaky.. she said, you're one of aj's friends right? I pretty much dropped bombs in my pants.. and I laughed.. I was like, uh, not really, not so much actually... then she said bill? and I was like, i guess.. then she's like yah, you hung out with ashley squires.. and i pretty much said yup.. Later, I asked if she talks to AJ.. she gave me the finger... I laughed.. i was like, bad subject? she's like yah, that kid made me cry like everyday.. I was like whoa.. I asked why and she said that she didn't really know, somethin about her not hookin up with him, and wouldnt' give him the time of day... I was like, haha, thats funny, he didn't really like me for some other reason I didn't know.. maybe he was scared... she laughed and said yah, I had ashley's attention.. That made me laugh more, i'm still laughin over that one.. but yah, I worked with her a little bit and this kid named RJ.. an asian none the less.. Coolio kid, into cars, wants to get into motorcycles.. typical asian, pretty cool... the 3rd day I pretty much just sat there doing drives the whole day.. it was irritating but really kinda lax at the same time, I didn't care how their store ran really.. i just sat there at the terminal taking orders, didn't do my drinks or handout, they freakin have a person for both of that.. it was insane... then later in the day, guys were getting really lazy so I decided to take things into my own hands and do it myself.. i freakin dropped baskets for the fry guy who's loader was spacing out like whoa.. handed out my own orders and got my own drinks... freak, if i needed to represesnt 165, i just hella did... bastards..

Yah, so thats work the past week.. Karalee's back in town and working at my store.. I don't ever really work with her.. steve brownley needs to get hit by a car... And thats about it.. Oh yah, and my bike needs repairs soon, its freakin dying fast.. I need to rip the block apart or get a new engine.. Its not gonna last that much longer in the condition that its in... Wade and Joe are pretty much fully moved in now.. their dog Buffy is living with us now, she's such a cool dog.. I like her a lot... It was gonna be sad, they were gonna bring her to the pound... so i asked lee and he said sure we'll find out... so yah, we get to keep her for a while...

Jen left on friday... she called me up while I was at work and said all this junk about how I should stop by and say goodbye and what not.. and well, I did.. I talked with her mom for a long time about things that are going on with the kids and their situation, and my concerns with everything and joe and jen... and whats up with her and what I thought would be good for them and her... not like it really mattered and I really didn't have to share, but she asked, so I spilled... she liked what I said about the move... Then Jen made me sit in her room and read Cosmo.. I didn't really want to but I said why not since she's movin.. Ugh, so I did that then was tryin to leave, and she walked me out to my bike.. and well, we talked, i told her how its gonna be fine where she's movin, you know, comforting words... and well, stopped talkin and she leaned in and kissed me.... Heh, I didn't think I was gonna kiss someone else again till i was like 24.. Eh, i can't say that I didnt like it.. it was well, a kiss.. it was only a kiss...

Well, I've been playing guitar and singing in the microphone more often than usual.. screaming in the microphone... screaming, like losing your voice over mad amounts of decibals of blazing electric guitar.. And its freakin amazing!! I wish i knew other songs to play, I really need to work on that more... heh, and I think girls like that :).. but guy is playin guitar these days... Hmm....

I got jones soda for the first time in a long while.. I'm excited..

I think of a long while, and well, it doesn't seem like it was that long ago.. Everything is like that, I can't believe that Karalee and Todd are married now, I look back at December when Todd got back, and its still really weird to say that it was that long ago... its almost july and well, thats number 7 as in the 7th month in a year.. so its really been 7 months since todd has been back.. this is crazy... School's going to be back in session, Ash will still be busy like whoa I bet. Its just weird... To think that I wanted to leave by November, and it might actually happen really freaks me out.. I thought about this a while ago.. a while ago.. like months and months ago.. maybe its just me reminding myself that thats what I want to do, and therefore doesn't make it seem like so long... Its been a while since I moved here, its been a while since I first loved ashley, its been a while since I had a car, its been a while since my parents divorce... Yah, heh, I still have issues to work out... some people say things like that will take a lifetime to really forgive.. Others say to just let it go, i wish it were as easy as that...

I've been into quotes and thoughts since Annie's been gone..

Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers, and teachers.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.

If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.

The best way to pay for a lovely moment is by enjoying it.

Not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true.

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our trust selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be.

If I know what love is, it is because of you.

Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness.

Hell is a place, a time, a consciousness, in which there is no love.

There is learning and understanding by making connections, then there is learning and understanding by tearing things down, and disconnecting.

communication, forgiveness, understanding,
talking, loving, laughing, happiness
aspiring to be a better person
growing in the same direction
wanting more out of life's
good soundtracks.

= love.

Heavy feeling.. I never knew what Annie was talkin about when she says that.. i guess she gets it a lot... I'm feeling really.. heavy, heavy hearted.. heavy something or another... I can't seem to play any games at home with any satisfaction. Right now, all I want to do is talk to Ash. But there isn't a point in that right now. I do feel sort of bad, I can't say that I haven't been treating her differently, but I'm really trying not to. Either way, I'm going to act differently, I don't know what normal is. She made dinner tonight for her family and I. It was really good meatloaf muffin lookin things. Janelle helped with some mashed potatoes and some salad n what not.. It was really good.. I couldn't say anything today, I couldn't really talk to her or anybody really.. I felt like just being silent. I couldn't talk to Ash because I think too much about her. It bothers me. I get so distracted with her. She surprises me still with what she notices. I bet she notices a whole lot more but just doesn't say anything.. I think I'm like that in a way too though.. She looked pretty today, its hard trying to concentrate not looking or staring impolitely. I have a hard time when she looks that good.. ugh, I don't know what to do with myself. Well, she was wearing a blue tank lookin thing with her khaki cargo pants, did some make up and what not, I know it didn't take her too long to do that either, but she looked too good. Same with her red shirts and the black dickies with the stripes.. I can't not like her when shes wearing those. I just can't not like her anyway.. maybe i'll be sane when she moves, maybe i'll be sane when i move. I'm being driven insane by an angel. I want to be able to tell her how things are, I mean, she already knows most of it, and she's expecting weird things from me because of it, but I want to try to let her know whats up. I don't know if theres a solution for saying so, infact, I'd probably be better off just keeping it in, but that wouldn't be any change in me. I don't really even know what i'd say to her.. I'd want to tell her that I'm sorry. She said I was being rude earlier tonight.. I didn't realize it, I guess it happened again, I'm pretty sure this is the second time I didn't know about it. I don't understand though.. I would love to give her so much attention, I'd probably die for it, but that would mean that I'd truly want something I can't have. I'm so used to giving her attention and not being able to get anything back, that if she did give me a chance, I wouldn't know what the heck to do, I'd spaz out and over-analyze everything probably.. But really, I guess I'd like to explain if I am acting rude, or like such, why I'd be acting that way. I think of so many stupid ways of maybe getting myself out of something that I don't want, and want at the same time, that it makes no logical sense when its actually done.. So I can't move on from Ash, Its a little dangerous I know, I'm starting to follow some other trends set by other boys. But why does she still keep me around, I can't honestly say that I've been such a close friend to her. Sometimes I don't feel like it at all. But when I think about that, it makes sense, I hang out with her family a whole lot, so I guess i'm a close family friend, then canceling out things, such as family, it makes me a close friend.. a great friend is what she said a while ago... she's lost too many great friends... It touches my heart that she thinks of me like that, and the fact that she played with me a little that night online was kinda funny.. I said she won't lose me.. How long can I keep that.. I'd love to make it a promise, but well, Its hard enough just trying to not be lost. She said that she'll find me when I get lost.. that made me smile. I don't know.. I like her, I love her, I stumble sometimes when I say that. Especially when I say that to her. She means it differently when she says it back. No wait, she doesn't say it back. Love you too is what she says.. She's a smart girl. Heh, I think i've heard her say it once, but it probably slipped. Plus, i bet she knows that I know in what way she means it when she says it. Geez, it seems like i'm infactuated with her. I feel a lot better getting this out right now, I dont' feel as "heavy". Although I did send her text messages tonight before I left janelles... She probably got them, but didnt' bother to return them, plus i said screw it too.. heh, and she didn't call me back last night after work.. I was bitter about that this morning.. I'm still a little bitter about my mom's dinner, it'll never happen unless I really push for it.. its just like me pushing for ashley to learn how to ride this bike, or ashley getting her cds to me so I can burn them all for her, or for anything she says she wants but doesn't really want unless it falls completely in some sort of plan of hers. Am I too literal about some spoken words? I still don't consider myself family. I guess I'm close enough though. Of course this isn't the first time its crossed my mind, but you know, it hit me again when lyss said that I didn't have to clean up cuz i'm a guest, then ashley laughed and said i'm pretty much family... family with the girl I love and her siblings. That works in some kind of twisted fantasy.. if I were married to her... Don't get me wrong, that's crossed my mind a couple times... but theres no way that a girl like that would not be married by the time I get back. Plus, she said, it'll never happen... Ugh, i hear that in my mind, then I read "There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chaisng a dream" thats quoted in the posterframe that Annie made me... and its right next to her fliping me off.. Thats the hope of my life right there.. I'll chase forever for something I'll never have, and the finger proves it all... I really wonder what she expects from me though... If I'm not giving her attention, I'm ignoring her, if I'm giving her attention, well, I give her attention and she somewhat loves it, then i get conscious and think about words i've said before such as a puppy following her around.. which i do picture myself doing sometimes, but its like, if i don't she thinks somethings wrong or that I dont want to do something.. Am I done yet?? I've always thought too much.. she's told me that... I've been told that by others.. but i'd never think that I'd think about her this much.. Even when I wanted jen, I couldn't stop thinking of Ash. What would she think, how would it change our relationship, do i want it that way or not.. she may think its dumb that I broke up with jen because of another girl, but at least that wasn't the whole reason. I think I just want to hold Ash. Thats about it right now.. or if its another girl, then, well, I don't want to think about ash, I want to think about her...

Why is that I'm "cute" and "amazing" but can't get what I want. I'll never understand crap like that, football players who treat their girls like trash seem to always have their girl hanging by their side, or guys that have been with a million girls get a sparkling chance at girl that all the bad guys want.. Nice guys finish last... They play too many games, too many break ups and fights and getting back together, and not talking.. too much drama.. heh, I have that drama and I don't even have a girlfriend, I have a best friend... who drives me crazy for her. idtots..

Karalee and Todd are on their honeymoon deal.. I'm still getting used to everything with them, I dont' see them often anymore, and well, when I do, its a little awkward.. I feel like I should have a girlfriend or something.. its like that when I hang out with Scott sometimes too.. Them married couples.. I want to get married, I want to be loved, love and wake up next to the beauty beside me. Eventually have a family.. I'm starting to grow attached to kids now... But I got a goal to achieve before I get hitched...

My mission is slowly getting a move on... I need to call the doctor tomorrow.. for sure.. Finally after a couple months of no responses and passing me back and forth, I actually may have contact with a doctor. I still need to pay off all that crap.. $800 in tickets, $300 in credit cards, and well, the rest of rent.. which is, i dunno... $150 or something, i guess I owe that from april.. i dunno, but lee says so, so whatever...

My bike has been great, its running, it makes me move, gas milage is improving since i put that new tire on, I'm trying shorter gearing so maybe it'll reduce how much gas I actually waste when I open the throttle. A top speed of 100 isn't all that great, but the roll on from 70-90 is pretty smooth and I like it alot, its no sport bike, but its better than a car.. plus, now I can slide a little through turns...

I suck at the guitar, I suck at piano, and I suck at violin.. No music skills for the ladies.. Yah, I know piano is hot ash.. too bad this boy can't do anything about that... maybe your boy will, whoever he may be.. Why is this receipt still out with you writing "Feel Better! ? you - Ash :)" It makes me feel good and really crappy at the same time... I still have all um, 3 notes that you've written me... aren't I special.. I wonder if you keep anything I give you, besides Jones bottle lamps and cds and uh, cds... weird..

I don't have any money on me right now. I want to cook more and more, and well, I cook more and more, but now I'm all out of stuff to cook with, I dont' feel like going back to eating ketchup.. that was pretty nasty, but I do want to learn how to make ketchup fried rice... I'll try it sometime.. My phone bill and rent are taken care of.. I just need to pay my tickets and um... some credit cards.. shoot i have 89 bucks on my freakin express card.. how lame..

I don't think i'd mind if I spent every day with her for the rest of my life..

I made 32 more stars.. I still can't find a good bottle to put them all into.. the shot glass is kidna weak.. I need to make more stars, and I need to go get boba tea.. maybe I can drag ash into dinner and boba tea sometime... nah, she'll never go for it.... well, maybe she will, i'm being too optimistic.. she'll be going to mexico for a while.. am I really going to let her take my digicam?? She's lucky that I love and trust her... How did John and Freak boy get a girl so great... I guess I must be a total douche to get some from her...

Yah, so I don't really feel like saying much to anybody. Especially when theres nothing much to say. This is incuding everyone. I just want to be here, at home, not so much alone, but away from everyone. I gave too much attention to annie and made myself self conscious of everything. Why was I there. no really though, why did I stay there? I always feel like I overstay my welcome dispite what people say. Ash doesn't really make it any better. She doesn't care anyway. John and Kimball were an odd sight to see at the wedding. I really just don't like John so much, no matter how much he acts or tries to like me. Kimball, I just don't feel like dealing with. Vegas is dead to him anyway, leave ash alone.. leave me alone.. Why does he just call people up like things are fine and dandy and expect thigns to be perfect and like old times. I know that I've been in that same stupid situation and thats probably why I'm not caring so much anymore. Why can't things be like they used to be.. heh... I'm so glad I stopped asking myself that haunting question. It just doesn't put life in the best most productive perspective. Its always leaving you behind in the past as to in the present, or even in the future. Its just one thing that no one really needs, and no one needs to be burdened with it either. It sure wont help me with overcoming ash. I haven't thought so much about the past with ashley. I've grown up and out of it. It used to haunt me because of the way I pictured things to be, or the way I wanted it to be. Well, the picture it portrayed at that time. I still don't remember what exactly happened, but I trick myself into thinking that I do. It doesn't matter anymore. Its now that I'm worried about. Spending a whole lot of time with her is satisfying, gratifying and pernicious. I have the best times with her, but its all dead ended. Its the best and the worst at the same time, and thats exactly what she brings out in me. I bothered her too much this weekend. I probably got her selfconscious with her family as well. She was acting kinda weird when I left, but somehow thats going to be pinned on me. Oh, and I've learned that girls always win, no matter if they're wrong or not, they win. Mandy said during a conversation on Ashley's bed that I need to leave. Its very true too, I really do need to leave... but she said, before I miss Ash. I need to leave before I miss Ash. I would love to not miss Ashley, I mean, if I never had to miss Ashley, my life would be near perfect. She just looked so beautiful at Karalee's wedding.. I really just wanted to get over everything, forget about everything, and just kiss her.

Karalee's wedding was beautiful. Between all the running around, getting things for the family, and trying to stay cool, it was amazing. I loved it. Its really kinda weird that they're married and have been bangin up all the pots in the kitchen and on the counter. But its all good, their lives are going to be great. I wonder if I'm still going to be a part of it, well I wonder if I am even a part of it.. I still feel kinda pushed out from it all. But yah, I'm not really a priority anymore... oh wait, that stopped a year ago. Ashley is just an odd ball.. She makes me laugh and stirs up so many feelings. Its all questionable. I didn't really want to dance. Alright, so first off, I never have. Second off, I didn't want to dance because it'd just be one of those memories that I probably wouldn't want to have. Third off, I did anyway, why? Because she said to save a dance for her. Why? I don't know.. Why did I listen to her? How can I not... Anyway, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the dance floor.. then someone said something about the asian dance, and well, i'm a chicken.. well according to brittany, I'm a chicken. Ugh.. Ashley is just stunning and I love it as much as I hate it. and I hate myself for hating it. I guess thats what you can call love.. or loving.. probably not love, if it were, I'd probably be dead already. Annie's cousins are amazing.. I don't remember them all and I probably won't... Theres Tyler, Trevor, Thomas, Trent, Mandy, Eden, Emma, Clayton, Stu (i forgot his real name, and its bugging me right now), and well, I don't know the rest, but I think thats pretty good for me.. Clayton rode on the back of my bike and flipped out and said it was awesoem.. Tyler is hooked on bikes now, he loved riding my bike, Stu plays guitar, differently than me, and is probably better and sings better, and with that, is better than me, and will probably pick up more girls than I ever will. Mandy is a beautiful soul and just amazing and funny.. Thomas and I did the whole Joeseph smith pull rod stick thingy, and well, we're just about perfectly even.. Trent? I dunno who trent is.. is there a cousin named trent?! Eden is cute, reminds me of a smaller Mandy.. Emma I just saw running around, don't know her at all really.. Marie and Lori and someone else, tammy maybe? They're just funny.. I sat in the kitchen on my little break from the crowd and talked with them a lot with steve.. I got my grub straight from the kitchen, althought it wasn't much.. Those cousins were so fun anyway.. I'd love for them to come out here and hang out with me n ash.. or just me.. Wow, theres so much I want to write, but the lack of sleep is getting to me, and the fact that I have to go to work at 9:30 at the hole that I wish I didn't work at, doesn't make it any better... people are going to call me tonight and will be disappointed.

June 2, 2005 1.am
So I pretty much failed at maybe being called a new name. Theres more important things to care about. So I got my Patriarchal Blessing today. I almost didn't have anyone to go with me, I wouldn't have minded, but it turned out for the better that Annie came last minute. She's so weird. Anyway, the blessing was nearly indescribable, its like you can hang for the first 2 minutes or so, then after that its like.. warning, warning, system overload. Its so much to take, and while you know you're hearing stuff, you're feeling something as well. So its like, you can't concentrate on exactly what he's saying. I remember a little bit, but if annie wasn't there, I probably wouldn't remember too much until the actual thing came in the mail. I don't know whats usually in these blessings, but it was all good to me. He stressed things like how I should be aware of who I hang out with and the situatoins I get into. He said something about character in the beginning, like I have a lot of it or something. He said that the Lord likes to hear directly from me. Annie said something about it being in the day. Somethings about my talent that I didn't really get too much. Ash said that he said that I have many talents that lie dormant, and pretty much, when they're needed, I'll know that I'll have them I guess... I dunno so much about that, I'm gonna have to read it.. He said that I was from the tribe of Ephraim. Thats cool to know. I don't really remember much else, I should really work on my listening skills more or something.. I really don't know what else is supposed to be in it, but Ash pointed out a lot of things.. I guess she knows from karalee's and her blessings... she said that he didn't really say too much about my wife.. Interesting, I never heard anything about anything like that.. She said something about kneeling at something and being sealed or something.. I really wonder sometimes who my wife will be. Then I think that it doesn't really matter so much to me right now. Sure it'd be nice to know, but its not time. I dunno...

Yehea.. John and Ashley, sure i guess make out buds or something.. I hate being jealous of something i don't respect at all. It makes me irate. Theres nothing I can do that can limit them as to what they do, but I don't really care so much, I know Ash smart enough most of the time, to know what she's doing, and well, I just don't want to be there for anything about it, meaning I don't care what they do, just as long as its not in front of me.. I think that was a big deal with kimball and I... its the one thing I said not to do and i'd be alright with them dating or whatever, but nope, it had to happen for 2 hours in the place where I slept. That was total bull. Its a good thing forgiveness is abundant.

I keep setting myself up. I thought about it while I was brushing my teeth. Ashley does nothing to go out of her way to make her like me, well besides call me, which is part of being friends.. I think I do way too much sometimes, too much contact, favors, things, blah whatevers, nice things... I can't really stop it so much though.. Its like I've been doing this for so long that I think that if I stop doing something, stop touching her, stop doing things in favor of her, she's going to get some kind of hint that I'm mad or something, and treating her weird. Its I think that she's used to me liking her. Well, the me that likes her.. I think I'm different with her than other people. She really changes me, I'd like to say that she brings out the best in me.. but I dont' know that.. she may bring out the real me in times for sure though.. Hmm my blessing said something about people bringing the best out in me, friends or something, or maybe i bring out the best in people? i dunno.. Annie is just... too goo to be true. It was fun hanging out with her, going to get makeup and what not.. I know I'm not as fun as other guys when it comes to going out and keeping conversations goin while doin junk.. Eh, it sucks, cuz if I start thinking, I start shutting up.. I used to not act, but react.. now i act upon things that throw me off.. heh, Kristen said for us to not have too much fun... I laughed, what.. does she think we're together or something?? That would be amazing.. and funny.. but i guess she could think that, seeing that i'm always around and the past couple times she's been down here, i've been here.. heh.. thats funny.. be crazy if it were true, too bad its not.. what am I saying.. I hate it when my emotions make my views on things all corny and bubbly.. I dunno.. I don't know... I can't get any more space from her, it hurts too much, and she's also moving.. so that doesn't help anything.. I don't have any other friends that I trust as much or care to hang out with as much, well except karalee, but she's kinda indisposed.. and crap, i need to work on that disk for them.. I work tomorow and I'm really tired.. gosh my life blows sometimes..

Its been really good lately though, except when I kinda cried on the phone with ashley.. that was kinda embarassing, too bad no one saw that.. I was having a hard time explaining what the heck was going on in my mind and making it sound important.. heh, like my feelings are ever important. But yah, besides that, its been cool I guess.. I need to tone myself down with ash, and need to do something else instead of that... work has been workin, kinda crappy, kinda smelly too... long as well, and not really satisfying as much as it used to be.. I'm happy though. I'm alive, God loves me, I have a best friend who still loves me platonically at least.. My bike works, my family is stil alive, and well.. I'm not in jail.. or something.. i just need to finish cleaning my room..