My hair smells good... weird, weird, weird... thats all i can say... thats all i really want to say....

End Transmission.

I'm at home right now, 1:27am and there still are a gripload of people... and well, as of the moment, i'm not feeling all that comfortable... more than ever, i really feel like i don't belong... kinda started when they all first came over and i was in the shower... but whatever, i tried comin out of my shell and well, it worked for a little, but only with people that already knew me... mindy, emily, russ, mike, other guys that've seen me... now its just like... i don't know... but whatever... all their friends, and well, they all pretty much know each other... right now there's a guy on the couch by the door and well, he's pretty much in the same spot as me... it really kinda sucks that i don't have a room.... right now i'd love to sit in my room and just think... think about what? who cares... and, well, i can't go to sleep cuz well, they're all in my bed and crap... so i'll probably sleep in the car... i'll set my alarm on my phone and i should be set... or maybe i'll just sleep at my dad's place... but i'm getting to the point where i'm tired and junk and well, its not at a time that i wish i was tired... it pretty much sucks and blows...

i went to go get some drinks and pop for the house with kyle and he was tellin me about the way i talk on the phone... i thought it was funny... he couldn't tell if i was talking to a girl or not, cuz well, sean has got that girl thing, his voice totally changes and what he says totally changes... its funny....

anyway, i'm continuing on now... its 4:07am... finally everything is settled down and i can sleep... so well, here i go i guess.... karalee came over tonight after a long long delay, but hey, at least she made it... she worked my back and neck for a bit, i don't really remember for how long either... i was kinda like... okay, blah blah huh? but whatever, time passed and it felt good... well, she felt good... well, she rubbing my back felt good... yea, i'm not forming any sentences all that well... note to self: who cares... she's cool... i guess we got some sunday plans and maybe we'll chill tomorrow...

i'm hungry... but i already ate a sandwich... oh well... and i have a can of easy cheese... also i spent $33.45 on drinks for the house... yea, i know i'm crazy like that, but this time, my drinks better last for more than 3 days..... yeesh...

alright, my back feels better, but my neck is killing me still...

yay i got march 2nd off... go our team for softball... we're gonna... rule?

wow... 6 more days and i'll be 6 days older than i am now... see how much i've changed?

i'm sleeping, see you in my dreams....

"Do you want me to bite you?? You're askin for it"

Anyway, tonight wasn't too bad at all... well, the whole day was way good actually... work was kinda long i guess... paywindow sitll sucks... suck suck suck... talked with ashley in my car about muzik and what not, sooner or later, i'll be burning her a cd... saw brandon and chelsa and updated them a little about whats goin on with me... ashley helped my dye my hair, its this blackish blue color, i'm not sure if i really like it... but i had it before, so i guess its ok... i think i prefer the red or the brown... oh well, what are you gonna do? got ashley and karalee both livejournals, not sure how much they're gonna use them, but its cool anyway... everything seemed alright tonight, no conflicts, i dont think i pissed anyone off... my car is still running like a champ with 3 bags of laundry behind him... and well, that just reminds me to finish my laundry... anyway, i wish all days were like this day... kinda relaxin... and well... who knows whats gonna be going on next..

Ahh, once again, another pointless entry just to remind myself of how much pain we can withstand and inflict on each other emotionally and physically...

Bobbypins.... weird.... Such uses are unfathomable... pinning up hair, picking locks, cliping cellophane wrap together, "accidently" leaving in places just to make guys sigh and go awwwwwwwwwwww (from sean's friend).....

Life is can be lived... and well, its way fun over here... my gosh, this house is way tight... today, i woke up to people singing, loud music being played and then a rush from my roomies to the band room as they started to cover different songs... then soon afterwards, i was up helping make breakfast.... Sundays.. awesome... breakfast is awesome i tell you... i should bring over some people just for breakfast sometime, freakin TONY is the MAN... and Sean is a way good "helper" muhahahaha... and i just do dishes, so o well... at least they're my dishes!!!

Its been interesting during the past couple days, a definate swirly of thoughts and actions came and went.... small things that i didn't think i would do that i did.... and they're not really major, i just didn't have balls to do anything... I think i really should get myself off of ashley... at least for now... its kinda messing me up, and well, my roomies are kinda givin me a hard time hehe (kinda like older brothers)... ashley made me cookies n junk and well, the guys saw it with the note (i still dont' exactly have a room) but blah... i've been having some wicked talks and exchanges of advice with sean.. he's a great guy... but i don't exaclty know what he's wanting me to do... i think he wants me to go for it, but theres not really a point to it.... then he said its ashley, theres something about her that you just can't let go... and i'm like... what? then i thought about it... and well, i can't exactly explain it, but whatever... i'm going to stop about this now..

I've got a whole bunch of favorite songs now, but too bad the lyrics all contradict and stuff... songs about leaving the girl behind and moving on cuz its pretty much pointless, and songs that are like, you are my life and don't leave me, and other songs that are like i'm here, but you don't see me... and things that i wish related to my life, and that i probably could relate to my life if i want to think about it in that way...

I don't know if she wants me to think about this as much as i do, but she's got me thinking more than she did before... but i can't take her seriously... ever... maybe its a good thing that my heart is still mine and is under most of my control... people say i'm smart... i dont know though... maybe i should just get played and know what the real world thinks of it...

ugh, there i go again blabbering about stuff like that... small conversations are stupid... those lucid lines that are like Hey, how's school... (as if you ask because you really care)... and then followed with replys such as "that's cool".. or some other lame response that doesn't really require much thought.... Its makes me mad for some reason... its like, thanks for at least talking to me, but sometimes i rather have you just shut up than make stupid conversation that you don't care about.... how's life? good.... thats cool... how's your car? its doing well..... all dead end conversations... sean and i were talking about these last night.... we went to russel and asked... hey russ, how's your mom.... he said she's good, we replyed, thats cool.... and then there was that silence that isn't supposed to be there... followed by another stupid question or an observation of the surrounding environment.... and the truth... its such a big deal, but people don't want the truth... Hey how's your day going?... shitty, my girlfriend got gangbanged by my best friend and then my boss tried to kill me with a violin case...... or Hey, how's your day going? crappy.... aww why? because my girlfriend got gangbanged by my best friend and then my boss tried to kill me with a violin case.... i mean see how that doens't work?! its just fake, if you dont' care, what are you going to say to that? Oh, i'm sorry, or That sucks... but what if you do care? what are you going to say? wierd eh? yea, i think so...

I've been making some good money, but then i've been spending some good money as well... dishes, clothes, food... GAS... soon hopefully car so i can finally end my frustratoin with it....

Ugh, i don't know what i screwed up... but i know i screwed up many things... probably by what i thought was right, or some dumb spur of the moment crap that went on.... i'm not even there when karalee's around, then she asks me what i'm doing the next day and wants me to call her.... call her to do what? be invisable? i think i could do that again... whatever though... i can't change anything, i can't make a difference in her life, and if i did, then maybe my part is done and i should be ignored and not there.... i can tell that she cares... but only to a point... i think she's afraid of having me start liking her... but i'm afraid that i might start like her... but i rather be in that postion to say that i like you than to be in a postion to say that i hate you... this isn't making much sense to me... her hugs don't have substance anymore... its like one of those... oh great seeing you hugs, maybe i'll see you in like 20 years, or tomorrow....

Why the hell am i so freakin caught up on these 2... theres always some freakin drama with me and these 2, and i don't think they are bringing it upon me... maybe karalee is, but i don't think ashley is... anyway, its getting to my head, and i think its because that i'm getting older and knowing what junk is what and what feelings are supposed to be felt...

I missed out on church today, i couldn't sleep right last night... kept thinking... but yea, at least i had breakfast..... anyway, i'm out...

Happy S.A.D day....
(Singles Anonymous Day)
-aka-
Valentines day

Ahh, i actually got someone to hang out with me today! amazing! Scott and Ashley... they're cool kids... well married kids... and well i have to say its cool and junk hangin out with them, but it also reminds me of how lonely i am when it comes to that crap... Valentines day is coming up and what not, and well, i'm trying to decide not to care about it or actually do something and maybe not regret it... i doubt that the effort going it to it would be worth it, but who knows... scott and ashley are planning something out for each other of course... Anyway, its coming up and well, its kinda creeping in on me slooowly....

Scott and i ran around after work... he wanted some advice on buying some DDR RAM and a soundcard, so we headed to the markets and checked out some prices and stuff... he ended up buying a nice soundcard, although a little out of date- but still way good.. SoundBlaster Audigy.... its cool stuff to play around with.. anyway, he got all that, then we went back to his place to chill for a while... he had a test at 7ish and well, he didn't know but, i had a Missionary Prep class at 7 as well, so we took off around the same time... He started calling me during my class haha... and well i learned some goods in the class... go me... yea, afterwards, i stopped off at 88 to say hi to david ortiz (saw his truck) and the other david, and becky, and andrea (she's tight).... chilled for a while and then recieved a call from scott saying that he needed a little help with his soundcard setup.. so i said i'd be there soon... on the way home i stopped by brandon and chelsa's (but they weren't hoem) chelsa chelsea (oh crappy... i don't remember, i think its chelsa) so i went back to scotts... from there, we finished everything, messed around with the cards, and kicked it some more... then ashley wanted to do something, so we tried looking up movie times, but nothing was playin at the time... so we went to wal-mart and spent a good who knows how long there.. after that... stopped off at jack in the box, got a caramel shake and went back to scotts... oh yea, i bought a book at walmart, i wanted to reads something... whatever tho... well we went back to scotts, ate/drank and watched part of nottinghill or somedeal... weird beginning, but whatever.. and now i'm here... haven't heard from karalee or ashley, or brittany in fact... oh yea, bill neither.. no wait, i heard from brittany yesterday... uh, yea... i got a new shirt, its another (surprise) black volcolm shirt... its all sorts of soft and what not, and its a normal t-shirt... wicked eh? just a soft normal shirt... softer than usual at least...

I've been back into playing the guitar, i'm stoked... my car is still kinda jacked up.. not working too well.. the car doesn't idle anymore, so i'm all sorts of freakin out and using 2 feet for everything... well i'm trying to get used to using my right foot for both the gas and the brake at the same time (so when i slow down, it doesn't die on me)... but yea, i dont know what to do, i have no where to take it, and well, practically no money to spend on it... pretty much sucks, and well i hope nothing else will go wrong.... but yea, i'm back into the guitar... since iv'e been here, i've learned some new chords and what not, different ways of playing and junk... people here sure listen to a different type of music that i'm used to... i don't know what to call it really, indie, emo, not really punk... i think more emo than anything... and tony likes some metal... i like punk, the easy stuff hehe.... anyway, i'm excited for me, this'll help me develop my skillz so i can serenade girls into my arms (i wish).......

yea, as i said, valentines day is coming, and its bugging me in several ways... i shouldn't really worry about it... i actually don't worry about it, its just mostly when i'm alone like this and have nothing else to occupy my mind... lets see, i get no e-mail.... i hardly talk to people on AIM anymore, cuz i guess i'm not cool enough... and well, i only get phonecalls from scott and brittany (occasionally)... which isn't all that bad, but i'd love for other people to call as well...

I kinda hate living so far away from things... its not all that far, but still, its a little bit further than the other place... highway miles are killing me now... i'm putting mass milage on the car (that isn't running well) and i'm grateful that nothing else has gone wrong with the car. Getting to INO is not all that difficult, and now that i'm getting used to the brake/gas/1 foot thing, its getting easier to get around town... i just hope i don't put too much stress on my baby...

Working at 165 isn't all that bad... at least it wasn't that bad for me today, time went by slow, but i guess thats my own fault... freakin avg of 8 seconds per order on handheld... or so they say... so i guess i'm good at something.. obviously i'm not good for fries or board lol... more and more often i find myself wondering why i work there... why i still have the job... and then i just make up and excuse... things such as, maybe i can hang out with karalee or ashley more.... or i could use the extra money... or i like the socialization.... when well, none of that is really true... ino pays me as much as valet does (when i get the hours.. and when i dont' then well, i make less).. i wish 2 of those were true....

Today i didn't really see sean or russel... they were both sleeping by the time i came home... tony is at work, but his moped is here at the house... i'm home.. and well, i'm not all that sleepy anymore... i dont know what i'll be doing in the next hours or so, but i should probably sleep... maybe i'll write an e-mail to karalee or something... thats what i'd normally do...

I'd have to say, its hard trying to keep someone thats important to you, important to you... especially when contact is so minimal... its not even just that she's imporant, shes pretty much a part of my life, her family is pretty much as well... they've helped me out so much that its kinda hard to say that they're not a big part of my life... I got into my car after i left scotts house and went to the gas station... after putting the nozzle in the tank, i rushed into my car and slammed the door (it was cold) and i reached behind me to get a blanket... i brought it up, but when i did, i knocked down karalee's nametag from off my rear view mirror... then i thought to myself... i haven't really noticed that that nametag was there... i don't really know why i put it there, and i don't know how long i've had it there... i know i had it in my corolla and my crx as well, but i dont' remember putting it up... lol, then i laughed when i remembered that i had ashley's nametag in my corolla at a time as well... for a good 3 months... haha... i still have it with my special junk... funny....

wow, this is probably one of the first actual things that i've written that was taken straight and unaltered from my mind... unabridged haha... and well i guess the length shows it... and i know there is more on me, just i'll save it for another one....

I was looking at my phone bill today.. and well, i obviously pissed someone off or something, or i'm just not cool anymore... i went from like 2000 + minutes used on nights and weekends to
465 minutes used ... thats like 1/5 of what i used 2 months ago... well last month was like 1000+ used minutes... i guess the bottom line is.. i'm not that cool and people found out....


?Thought?
Whats with the upside down question marks that i put... someone should slap me... then kiss me, haha... nah, just slap me upside the head... that'd be fun...

Alright, well LiveJournal is up and running... Here it is..

http://www.livejournal.com/users/mykii/

Its a nice thing, i really like the friends page- it shows the recent posts from each of my friends that have a livejournal... i recommend it, but the only problem with it is the lack of customization that you have.... besides that, its tight... i'll be posting different things probably nonsense and junk over there... so check it out and get your own livejournal, and we'll all be friends!!

Well, i'm pretty much settled in... i had a little nest of boxes speakers and miscellaneous appliances... and in the midst of all that, you had me, in a chair and a computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse... My car hasn't been working well, its really an inconvenience. Also, being kinda in bfe, doesn't exactly help me too much. I miss hanging out with karalee regularly, i don't really see scott all too often, i see brittany and sj a lot.. anyway, I dont know if i should smile because it happened or cry because its pretty much over.. i know that i don't want to say its over, but it seems that my efforts are kinda pointless. I like hanging out here at home now, well when there's people around.. Its always fun, all our computers are networked together so we can play some good games and such.. I spent a little bit of money to upgrade my computer for my convenience and so i can play with these techies.. I really want to go out and buy some food, we all share of course and well, i didn't really bring that much food over, although i did have a lot of popcorn... Work has been work, this last saturday was well made, it was busy and i tried to get as many hours as i could, turns out to only be 6.5 hours... hopefully at like $10/hr in tips, more would be dang good... Right now i'm working nights with wendsday and thursday off, soon it will be tuesday thru saturday @ 11:30am to whenever... so i guess its the day shift for me... i'll most likely be off around 4:45 or 8:00 on those days... maybe with these days, i can actually hang out with people (if i get my car working better- ugh- and if they want to)... My money situation is manageable, some bills are coming up, so my savings will be going down... I need to go to my dad's place and pick up my w2 forms as soon as i can, and with this car, its hard... Lyra is still over there, and i feel really bad, i want my cat to be taken care of and i know that my dad isn't the kindest animal lover...

At this moment, i'm ripping my old cds on to my hard drive... and well, seeing all these different types of music, well different cds... makes me all sorts of different... at each time that i changed who i like and stuff, really kinda marked a difficult time in my life. besides that, thats all thats really been goin on in the past half an hour (of ripping).. yea, and besides that, I really didn't do too much, sat at home, watched Harry Potter 2 on dvd, played a little bit of battlefield 1942 with sean and russell, played a little guitar on my gimp guitar- so sad, i really want to get a new one... called around to see whats up, not much, so i pretty much sat at home and perfected my computer and made sure it was stable... that and pretty much trade programs with sean and russel and make their systems run better...

Everyone in the house has a livejournal.. turns out that i'm probably going to have one as well... that and sean and tony are on hotornot.com, a place where people can rate how hot..or not... someone is, and of course you do the rating anonymously... i think it'd be fun, so i'm gonna find a sexy picture of yours truely and see what the world thinks haha... i guess tony was tellin me that you can meet people thru this as well, and wow there are some dang hot girls (although i'm not really down for internet dating lol) that you can talk to and junk. Well livejournal or not, i like using blogger so i'll be keeping this for as long as i keep my friends around..

Gomez the bearded dragon is sleeping on his little tree branch in his glass cage i guess you can say... he's a crazy dragon that like to stare at me while i sit in my comfy ino chair and type/click all day on the computer...

I just remembered that starting this week everyone in the night shift starts at 4 instead of 4:30.. which pretty much sucks, but is good for hours... so i guess in 2 weeks i'll be working around 11:30 to 4 or hopefully 8.

I swear some of the smallest things make you happy.. i found one of my old chapsticks and started freakin out about it.. i mean it was a good chapstick.. i mean it is a good chapstick.. its called cool aqua and well, its cool, it's minty and well its got menthol in it so it makes your lips feel kinda cold and soothing... i think it'd be cool for kissing with..

I'm really distraught about my car, i'm trying to see if i can get any hook ups with the unknown repairs that may need to be done... its just an inconvenience, and i think i've said that like 3 or 7 times today... ugh, along with that, i'm starting to break out dang it... thats annoying, and well i want some food, but i'm about to go to sleep so it doesn't really matter that much... also for the past hour, i've had bad gas, and i'm like W T F... i can seriously light my farts on fire... they dont' stink, theres just a lot of it... interesting eh? not to you i'm guessing, but it was worth a shot.

The human mind is definitely one interlaced sewage system.. i mean there sure is 543983 butt loads of crap... and they are big loads of crap mind you... more crap comes in and then cleaned out just to be filled with crap again... and occasionally you have those important things that kinda stick to the sides of the sewer... but anyway, its way crazy how the mind works... sean was telling me about speed reading and what not... it turns out that it is possible to read 5600 words per minute... training is definately key though... training your mind not to be auditory and more visual.. whenever we read, most of us pronouce the words in our head, instead of actually acting upon instinct.. heres what i mean... if i were to draw a marker out of my pocket and act as if i were to slice your throat, you wouldn't react the same as if i actually pulled out a knife and do the same thing.. reason is because visually it is a reaction that you know it is a marker.. therefore you know its not threatening and well you're like whatever... anyway, i guess the key to speed reading is reading and pretty much comprehending whats being said without actually thinking about it or reading it in your head... weird eh? anyway, i made a promise to myself that i'm going to work on reading... and heres another thing... freakin once you're really good... you'll be able to read in chunks.. so looking at it only like for 3 seconds.. one second per chunk...

Well I think the time has
just on my mind.
fantasy. 'Cuz i've poured
should do. Should i cash this check

come to tell you how i feel
since the day we crossed
my heart into the last three
and trade in what i thought i knew.

about everything that's been
the line into this real life
years of wondering what I
Your promises don't always help to make it easier.

Instead of-

I think the time has come to tell you how I feel about everything thats been
just on my mind. Since the day we crossed the line into this real life fantasy. 'Cuz i've poured my heart into the last three years of wondering what i should do should i cash this check and trade in what i thought i knew. Your promises don't always help to make it easier.

The effect is reduced because of the amount of text i've typed.. but you'll get it...

anyway, its just amazing how we learn and how we know so much off of instinct and faith. Its a little crazy what we can come up with and the ideas and thoughts that are spun off our heads.. i love our sewer system... i think it works well.. and well, now i'm off to either sleep or cry about things that i care about.

¿Thought?
OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.