I don't think i've ever been so unsure of myself and my actions. I remember what I did last night, but it seems like I didn't do it, didn't say what I said, didn't do what I did, didn't fall like i fell. I was sure that I could pull myself through and be alright, be the brother or whatever. I guess last night I decided that I can't. And well, theres not much I think I can do about it anymore. I think my life sucks. I put other people in dumb situations. I don't think that its worth me doing that to anyone. Today sucked... i woke up, wanted to go to work, but can't. Then i spilled my cherry coke on my mouse. I freakin made cookies again. Why do I make cookies now? I don't know. I think it sobers me up and junk. and i like the taste. So losing my job wasn't that bad. I'm pretty sure I lost it. My incident report will go to HR and then we'll see from there, but the damage was pretty bad. Part of me just doesn't care, and the stronger part of me cried. Freakin dumb man. I held myself together until i wrecked infront of my house. then went inside cried, and called ashley. Why did I call ashley... i never call ashley... i always talk to karalee for these things... doesn't matter now.. either way they're both there for me... i feel dumb. i don't really know why. I felt dumb last night, i feel dumb today, and theres no explaining it. Ugh, my life is kinda falling apart, and i'm stressing out about it again. I'll probably start calling andy to see whats up. apparently as well as that, andy at ian's place... i was kinda mad about that, cuz i wanted to be there with him, and he said that he wouldn't have time to go down there this month.. but he said it was for an emergency. I don't know what exactly was the problem, but I found out it had to to with wendy. I don't know whats going on.. I hope she's okay, I forgot about their child on the way, and my guess is that it has to do with him. Its a hard time. I think its unforgiving. I can't get anything straight. I can't keep my relationships straight. I can't keep anything that really matters to me straight. My freakin hair isn't straight right now. I hate it. I hate using the word hate. You have to love something so much in order to hate. Hate and love are such sisterly words that its annoying and screws me up. I really want to elaborate on everythign i'm saying, but i can't find any exquisite words to describe anything. Its easier not to i guess.. Ugh, whatever, jeremy wants to talk, and i have nothing else to do.. love, and i hope i have a better day.

A good conversation will take you to places you never intended to visit. So will an inebriated bus driver, but a conversation is much more likely to improve your life. The presence of a second mind adds the indispensable element of surprise, the moment of unexpected revelation that even the noblest soliloquies rarely produce.

I'm so, just aggravated. Annoyed, frustrated, whatever you call it. Sometimes I really just want to say fuck you. Its sad that I get to that point. But its like what kyle said, as dumb as it and he who said it is, sometimes the best response is a simple fuck you. Sometimes I think that that would be the best conversation I'll have in a day. Today sucked.

I've been talking to Kariann for the past couple nights. Maybe like for 5 nights or so now. She doesn't really know me, and I, her. We've had some different and interesting conversations yet, nothing too indepth about either of us. But I offered my time to listen to whatever she wanted to say. She thinks I'm really cool or something now. I don't know, I don't get it really. I gave my opinion and some advice and stuff and kinda shared a little part of me and she thinks that I'm way cool. She keeps quotes and stuff, infact, we went off on some quotes, kinda like battling back and forth, but not in hostility. Well, anyway, she quoted me in her Aim profile. Which I thought was way cool. She said a lot of things that made me feel really good, but I just don't get honestly...

An excerpt
Mykii1urHeart: exactly!
Mykii1urHeart: but why do you hate vegas
Kaliana033: hmm... well you just opened a huge mess but here it goes...
Kaliana033: i am from seattle. where i came from - which is a very liberal state - people were... hmm...waht is taht word... NICE! not shady like most Las Vegas... and it is werid how one states citizens can be so different - but trust me - they are. vegas is not the town for me. it is all about show and money and big boobs and appearance and reputation. i like culutre and city life and walking down the street and just loving evetything around me. for me that was seattle.
Mykii1urHeart: yea, i can understand that
Mykii1urHeart: i came from chicago, and i hated this place like no otherKaliana033: but you dont anymore
Kaliana033: i dont think i will ever be happy living here
Mykii1urHeart: its not the best, but it for sure isn't the worstKaliana033: i hate it here and i am miserbale and i am transfering to UW next year!!!
Mykii1urHeart: you'll find things that make you happy
Kaliana033: that is a good way to look at it...
Kaliana033: thanks mykii
Mykii1urHeart: heh, no prob
Mykii1urHeart: but i think you're here for a reason, and really, if its to find out how much you don't liek vegas, then that would be all its for, but i think there'd be more to that like knowing what really makes you happy in such a place that brings out so much crap and the worst in people
Kaliana033: i love what you jsut said!
Kaliana033: you are amazing
Kaliana033: and actually that makes me think!

So she quoted me... still a little wierd, but i think its sweet. And I wasn't out to impress anyone, it was just there as information. I think thats the best. I dunno...

One of my favorite quotes is:
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.- E.E. Cummings

I love it. It makes life seem so much better sometimes. It was one of the quotes that passed through our conversation.

She's kinda odd in a sense. I don't understand it, she's a little too real sometimes, and well, I don't know if she's flirting with me or something, or just being nice and being who she is. But either or, it doesn't really make sense to me because I've only met her like twice. Either way though, meeting her or not, I think she's way cool for being able to say anything like that, and really if she means it, then thats way cool.

Kaliana033: Anger is momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you. ~Horace, Epistles
Mykii1urHeart: haha, how true is that
Kaliana033: you know what - i wish i could create my own world and only populate it with the people of my choice
Kaliana033: you would definitely be there!
Mykii1urHeart: who wouldn't?
Mykii1urHeart: aww, thanks
Mykii1urHeart: but i'm really not all that great, but i'll take it as it comes hehe thanks
Kaliana033: why do you say you arent great
Kaliana033: do you have any reason to assume you are not?
Mykii1urHeart: not really, i try to to compare myself to others too much, but realistically
Mykii1urHeart: i dunno where exactly i was going with that
Mykii1urHeart: i mean, i try not to
Mykii1urHeart: comapre..
Mykii1urHeart: aww crap
Kaliana033: even if you compared yourself to other - you would stand above them
Mykii1urHeart: haha, i'm too girly
Mykii1urHeart: thanks again..
Kaliana033: no id say- you arent the ordinary dirt bag guy - you are nice and sweet and sensitive - and if that is considered girly- i would hope more guys would find their feminine sideKaliana033: you are a rare find
Kaliana033: a good rare find
Mykii1urHeart: alright, now i'm just kinda like.. uh..
Kaliana033: stay that way
Mykii1urHeart: blushing i guess would work..
Mykii1urHeart: thanks

Still weird. I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much right now, but its on my mind so its like bam. I guess I just don't know how she can think that I'm not just an ordinary guy, or dirt bag... Especially online for goodness sake. I know she knows mylene and ortega, and what not, or maybe its what i've said in the past conversations that helped gain trust or soemthing, but still, I don't think that thats really enough to base a whole judgement on. But what if she is right? I think thats the main thing that i'm looking for. what if she's right about me, and i am cool or whatever. i don't know, i think its just not normal.... heh, i think i'm torn right now in between being a normal guy and not a normal guy haha... i mean, like other guys, and not like other guys... so she's another person that has said that i'm not like other guys. but is it valid to take it after only a couple nights of talking? and I still have no idea why exactly this is a big deal to me right now. Its like she's flattering me so much as well. It seems kinda dangerous, but not. I don't get it. Its nothing... its just nice to be complimented i guess... I guess it has a bigger effect when you don't hear it so often... but that is neat at least... good to know that i'm still not like other guys... i just wonder if anyone else can see it too...

Compliments and Complements. I played some guitar with tony today. It was excellent. I haven't been working much on any guitar skills or any songs that I've stuck with. But there has been one in my mind lately, and I've been playing it more and more, its still from 2 years ago, and part of it is still in the same song. Still has no words, and pretty much has been overhauled and doesn't even seem to be the same anymore, or for the same reason. Either way, I played some variation of it, and I loved it. Not only me, but Tony as well. It wasn't like what I really wanted, and i don't think it was what tony was expecting, but I played it hoping that it would. I know he likes excercise and blasting away at the drums, so i tried to play something harder. But well, he told me to slow down, and it was like. bam, amazing. Its like you knew it was good, cuz those warm chills go down your spine and through your hands and you mess up and say what the hell was that. then continue on. It wasn't like a fast song or anything, and it wasn't really hard, or emo. well, maybe a little emo ish, but if i could classifiy it in mikey terms.. it'd be lax. totally relaxing music to me. He said he liked it though, and asked if I made it up. And of course, proudly i said yea. and continued on. I eventually hope to have this song not be so variable in sounding and maybe add words to it, or even a melody that doesn't change in my mind from day to day. It just felt soo good... i wish others were there to hear it, but before i actually record it on the comp, i gotta make sure I get my part down, cuz i trust tony that he can put together anythign on the spot, he has in the past, and i think he'll be good in the future.

I don't know what it is with me and sleep lately, I haven't slept well at all, these past who knows how long. I haven't felt too sleepy at night, and I've slept for ever in the day, but I wouldn't wake up till like 3 pm anyway, even with the alarm clock on. Its like I'm an insomniac. Kariann is pretty much an insomniac as well, so i talk to her at night... but she gave me these...
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. ~Clifton Fadiman
So, I don't know what has been on my mind for the last week or so, but I thought i let it go. I really did. I think. I thought. It really doesn't matter. Its good to know she cares, and its good that she knows that I care and will not cease. Todd and Karalee are for sure on their way. I've talked to my dad and visited him the other day too, I don't know if its that thats on my mind or whatever else. Maybe i should really go down to az with the squires sometime and check out this dr. person deal... they seem to have a lot of faith in this person... kinda cool i think, and i've heard a lot from ashley about her. Heh, maybe its my room too.. I can't keep it clean. Its been a mess. Maybe its that whole feng shui deal as well. In feng shui, personal belongings in the home are positioned in a specific arrangement to enhance chi to bring harmony and balance to your life. Chi is an invisible energy that swirls around us at all times. If its obstucted, and doesn't flow smoothly, it has a direct effect on you, how you life, and how you take things during the day.

So well, in english, I guess your mind isn't clear unless your bedroom floor is...

love love.

Interesting to say the least. C'est la vie. Christmas was great, still a little weird though.. I still can't belive that Todd's home. Weird huh.. He and Karalee are getting married for sure. It'll be crazy fun for them, I'm excited. It'll be hard not to see either of them as much, or to be engaged in much fun with them haha... Ashley and her sidekick (i guess) are still at it. I don't really approve, but who's askin me anyway. I guess if she's happy then let it be, but I hope that she's happy. She's a great girl, just crazy I guess. That and I'm still jealous. But apparently, brothers are, uh.. brothers or something, I dunno.. Her christmas gift is hanging on my wall infront of me, and its weird looking at it. I love it. I see her though, knowing that she made it, uh, with some of my pictures and some of other's. Its weird seeing her and me together in those pictures, its like what? when? I need to drop this. Anyway, work is going to be fun i hope. Anything scary turns out to be fun for me so far, so well, this scary feeling surely will be fun. In-n-out will kill me though... it'll be so lame.. ugh.. and valet should be great, heh, bad side is that i'll probably spend money and time inside the forum shops. I had dinner at the squires today, just for pizza and junk. I love how I just drop by and they don't mind. I really shouldn't do that, but its cool how it seems kinda normal. mom was like, hey mikey! Hows it goin. Glad you showed up, I told elyssa that she'd better hope that I stop by sometime. She messed up steve'n'janelles computer. So well I fixed it up and put in dad's capture card.. he'll love it... I gotta put in steves sometime. I stopped by to say hi to Britt and Elyssa. I haven't seen them forever, I love Britt, I think she's my fave. So weird and funny its cute, plus, she rubs my back and plays with my hair a lot. We chilled a lot while i was there, it was fun. She said its been like 2 weeks since she's seen me. I was like, well yea, heh, I really haven't got around here much. I don't really have a reason to honestly, maybe just to say hi like I did today. I mean, Ashley's busy with kimball and junk, so she never calls, and karalee's the same with todd... but its cool that todd calls me up. I still haven't talked to karalee much, but i know its hard for us to talk now, at least i'd think it'd be uncomfortable for some reason. My room has been a mess forever. I try cleaning it up, and my dirty clothes pile just turns into a clean pile. Kinda weird.. and still messy. I missed out on camping today, well not really missed out, but pretty much it was, we couldn't go, we as in kimball and i.. scout crap and what not, and the ward that todd's ward went with were being retarded, so oh well.. I guess in a couple weeks we're going again, since next week todd, karalee, and i think ashley and kimball are going to magic mountain. Kinda jealous, but whatever, I'm drifting like wood downstream with this. Its like my everything is going with it. Heh, well I better focus on what i'm doing. Using both jobs to pay off my bike and go on my mission. I haven't lost thought about it. Well, I'm dun thinkin about this.....

They ask me why I let you keep doing this to me. I've known from day one that it's me doing this to myself, and all you've ever desired for me is happiness. As you are kind and gentle and sisterrly-protective of me, you wish to shield me from all harm, even from yourself... I wish nearly the same for you, but I know of no one more worthy and more suited...