so i spent the night peacefully, it wasn't bad, and wasn't great, and sure didn't go away like money...

I had sudden urges the whole night... nothing all that great or exciting, but i did whatever i felt like.. I spent an hour on the roof playing guitar... i stared up.. i thought... i cried... i came back down... i watched an hour of alias with houston, he's been sucked into that now... and then came back to my room.. looked around.. and decided that i wanted to leave... i grabbed a flashlight, candy, my journal, my camera, my backpack, and a new burned cd with my old favorites on it and I headed out. My first thought was to go to the strip and take pictures of random things and jot down random thoughts.. but half way on the freeway, i decided to go to the temple... so there i went. I had a rather emotional day already, so i didn't think this would make it any worse.. I wrote for an hour, almost an exact hour... i sat on the sidewalk, looking up, and pretty much wrote down whatever i felt like.. it felt good for the most part, then at the end, i felt really tense, and somewhat bitter and decided that i should leave after a quick prayer. Well, that was all good.. and right when i just got home, kimball called and said that he'd like to grab some pants or crash at my place cuz he was cold.. that numb nut... i guess he was talking to ashley or something... he was by sams town... whatever though... he should be here any minute...

The only person i really talked to today was kimball's mom... she decided to call me up and say hi and happy birthday and to check up on me.. it was really nice of her.. i didn't really hear from anyone else.. i called my mom, but she didn't even remember, i guess she thought it was next sunday, but i knew that she knew it was coming up.. i didn't hear from karalee or todd, or ashley for that... not like it really matters, i know they know.. but it'd sure help if they made it some sort of deal... i always do for them.... big whoop.. i talked to andy at like 10:48pm.. it was good talking to him... i vented out and loved it... he always makes me laugh with the dumbest things..
I didn't hear from Ian either, and I never really hear from my dad unless its some random thing he wants to communicate, like chinese new year... I'm 20, i shouldn't care honestly.. i've already had 20 of these days... but a little recognition still wouldn't hurt. ugh, i'll finish this sometime.. kimball's bike died, and i need to go and jump it.. its 1:32am.

good morning america... a little early i think.. its around 4.. things have been alright... kinda wierd actually.. not really expected but not really unexpected.. its kinda hard to say exactly whats really going on in my head, but its nothing that i can't sleep over.. i just can't sleep anyway.. if todd did everything he was supposed to do, then things should be kinda crazy fun... oh wait, its crazy like that anyway. wedding dress shopping and what not already happening.. its supposed to be isnt it.. its such a cool feeling knowing that its happening.. but i'm still kind of stunned and stuck in headlights with it.. i know its there, and its like, wow.. what this is cool.. but at the same times its like, wow... whats going on?? i guess i have jury duty tomorrow.. i'm going to have to call tonight and see if i'm actually scheduled for that jazz... i'm not too excited, but vanessa madrid is also going at the same time as me, i think.. so she might pick me up and we might go... today wasn't to bad, after helping sean out last night with his failed bike, i continued to help him this morning... last night was insane, but it was fun... i didn't really want to do anything, i was really tired, but my roommates dragged me out to go and play.. i guess we were going to meet up with dave and elli out some place where they were camping out, but on the way out, sean's bike died.. i was also on my bike, so i stayed to help him out.. it took about 2 hours to get him moving, and with that, he didn't even move far... so then it took another 30 mins to get a truck out there and pick us up.. we were out towards searchlight... it was a cool feeling... it was all dark, the moon was beautiful, it looked full but i don't think it was.. there were a couple shooting stars out, and a handful of other stars out.. the moonlight lit up a lot of what was around us, and it was so quiet. all you heard was well.. either us, or the huge semis truckin past us... well anyway, after that, we didn't get home till like 3.. then i stayed up until 7... woke up at 9.. and well, i'm up again now.. i actually slept for a couple hours before this though.. anyway, today, i ripped apart my bike.. i actually ripped apart my carbeurator for the first time ever.. so now i actually know how to jet my bike, but i don't exactly know how to get it perfect, although i'm learning.. its cool that i'm learning how to do this junk.. its kind of an accomplishment that i can rip my bike open, and then put it back to together and still have my bike run.. sorta... well i'm 20 now... technically in 3 hours and 43 minutes... 7:43... heh.. crazy.. i'm still confused about life... everyone is to an extent though.. and its so hard not to get caught up in it... kimball is over at my house again... he just kinda showed up around 7, and uh, he's still here and its 4.. i really wonder if hes gonna take off or something.. he'll probably just crash here like he always does, but its getting somewhat annoying... i don't really really care, but sometimes his input on things just makes me want to deck him with a conduit pipe or chair. whatevers closer... ashley... i guess whatever goes man... i've been talking to her a lot lately, not a bad thing but its still hard to really talk to her... it is but it isn't... sometimes i'm just wondering what the heck is going on in her head when she says certain things... i know i shouldn't take it like something it isn't, but who asks questions like that... its not much, but it sure makes me laugh sometimes... call me tomorrow morning, you haven't come over in a while to hang out... something like that.. kinda goofy, i was just there friday night hanging out with britt and brad for a little bit... then checked out the bug.. then worked.. ugh.. work.. sucks.. 2 days.. woot.. that means a total of about 5 hours.. yay, i can buy a book with that, and still have money to pay for taxes on it... and maybe some food. blah.. blah that.. blah that to halb. i bought a picture frame yesterday.. it was nice.. it has a matte for 3 pictures and the frame was a cherry oak color.. i didn't really care for it much, so i painted it flat black.. but added texture to it so it looks different.. i have my black and white pictures in it and it looks kinda classy.. i'd put other black and white pictures in it if i had others.. well i know i have one of karalee and i still in my journal.. and theres one on the posterthingy that ash made.. and i think i might have others, but theyr'e not all that great. none the less, i want to get more frames like that or something.. and i still haven't found a good panoramic frame.. dang it.. so lame... oh bah, wel i'm tired.. and its been 10 minutes... so i'll see me later..

So I'm not that hard to read. I think I'm fine with that. Maybe I'm not as complicated as I make myself out to be. I know that I'm not as shy as I used to be, even though I'd like to think that I am shy... when well now, I'm almost the opposite of shy. Don't get me wrong or anything, I know that I'm really shy at times still, but for the most part, I've been able to get myself to be pretty outgoing and out there... other people have been helping me out with this, they kind of make you come out of your shell.. I met this girl names Toni? maybe.. I dunno how to spell her name, but she pretty much just recognized me from church at Tony's baptism and decided to introduce herself to me. At first, I thought it was a weird situation... kinda thinking like, why is this girl talking to me... and uh, why am I not responding.. then after that it was like, HEY! I'm mike... and the spilling began... This wasn't the first time recently that this has happened.. I was at lunch with my Mom and Doug.. and I ran into this girl that I knew from school, our past was kinda a sore spot, not that I liked her or anything, just things that happened with people that we knew and stuff.. just a weird time.. anyway, ran into her, and it was like, hi I can start a weird conversation with you... kinda cool huh.. anyway... Yea... I'm still shy though, been more relaxed and not having to try to impress anyone I talk to. No wait, I don't think that its me trying to impress anyone, its pretty much that I don't care anymore, so with that, it makes things easier i guess. Been playing basketball lately.. That's been fun, I stuffed David Ortiz 2 times.. could've packed him more, but was a little too tired, and didn't want to hurt his feelings much... hahahaha, aren't I a thoughtful person or what. I stole a lot of balls, but I sure can't shoot worth crap. So sad... Kariann is still trying to get me on the team.. If she can, then, well, I'll play I guess.. It'll be fun I think, but I'm definitely not a baller of any sort.. and uh, I'm unsure about our team anyway... and uh, yea... I hung out with Kariann, and Brad and Kimball last night after basketball, that was fun, we went to coldstone and chilled.. then todd came and spent the night with us at my place... Brad is a pretty tight kid.. I like him. Kariann is really funny and just kinda jumps into conversations at the wrong time and it makes things that much funnier. I made this big gunshot sound thing with a jones that I opened for todd at the place... The opening was bent, so i took a key and tried to pop it back into place.. and instead, i opened it. the can fell over, and my ice cream landed on the floor without a spill.. then the jones pretty much spilled into the bowl and cleaned itself up.. it was way cool.. and loud... oh man.. that was great.... I've been doing a lot of random things for people lately... dropped off candy and jones for ashley... made kimball some cds.. helped around with my room mates... did dishes haha... uh, having lunch with my mom could be considered random too... I don't really know why I've been doing things like that, I never really thought about it.. and its not that its bad and I shouldn't be doing things for others.. hahahaha, but its just kinda random that I have been.. like with Ash, why am I doing this? I dunno, why am I asking this now after I did it without a thought? Why is such a multifarious question. I called her today.. kinda random, I was at walgreens.. we talked and she had another phone call.. i waited around for a bit, and then hung up and went home.. i guess she was thinkin that if i wanted to talk, that i'd call her back... either that or she just forgot anyway... what'vr though... I feel like.. nevermind.. Chance and his wifey were here today, with lil and some other people as well... they're so funny.... freak man, i don't know how to spell maleigh? anyway, i'm gonn call her M. anyway, M and Jen were talking about pregnancy and what not, and breastfeeding and some crazy stuff... i just sat there... i guess they were kinda telling me for my own good, cuz it sure didn't seem like they were awkward talking about it infront of me, and they sure looked at me while they were talking.. so uh yea.. i learned a lot about girls, uh, women, and babies?! i guess? Wicked... Tony got baptised tonight... that was coolio.. I witnessed a shoplifting.. that was random.. uh, a bum drop kicked my bike last night, got him arrested... I think I've already said all this junk, but just to emphasize that my life has been more exciting lately and its been out of control. I really just want a girl to hang out with everyday, chill, cuddle, whatever, don't gotta make out or anything.. It'd be fun.. and hopefully end my streak of insane crazy phycho-beer-involved-drunks-who-have-nothing-else-better-to-do-than-take-out-their-anger-on-parked-objects-that-they-can't-own.... anyway, its getting late... and I probably could've slept well earlier.. but now, I'm used to being up.. oh wait, I've been like this for who knows how long... but its coming to an end. Love it.

Sigh... I've been sighing a lot.. is that a word... lets see... yup.. nice... oh... Hi Karalee.. i just thought of that... amazing... kinda scary it is though... and weird.. but, its good. I've been on a wierd string of moods lately. Lots of solitude, along with random kimball arrivals, but not really random at all.. I love pjs... and I love red. I love, love in itself... I love fortune cookies, more so the fortunes in it.. and jones caps... those too... I love clean laundry, and my clean floor, I love the gas pedal that no one seems to use, I love portable power. Batteries. I love being loved. I love association through automobiles. fun stuff... I love origami, and paper. I love chance and hope, neither are readily available though. I love the missionaries that come over, they're cool. I love real fruit in shakes. I love fruit smoothies. I love color. I think we all take advantage of the fact that we can see in infinite color. I love honesty, integrity, trustworthyness. I love seeing my breath. I love dark skys with white sprinkles. I love brown eyes.

Eyes like voltage, unregulated
Eyes like crystal, clear and splintering
Eyes like bits of pieces of speckled skies
Eyes like black holes, encompassing
Eyes like north, always true
Eyes like 7/11 even, always open, closed when robbed.
Eyes like daggers
Eyes like bright early morning
Eyes like autumn
Eyes like deep endless love.
Eyes like yours.

Fun day.. Clean room, clean clothes, food, missionaries, Ashley, Kariann, music, root beer and orange soda, reeses, deodorant, charged phone, ugly haircut... fun stuff....

Kaliana033: whats new in your life and your thoughts mykii?

Does everyone know that i freakin think or what....

The day started off with me pulling off the skin, if you can even call it skin, off my tongue. As a first time experience, i was thrilled and was really just freaked out. I don't think thats an everyday thing, and it was very surprising. Today, valentines day.. what a waste of a name. It totally is a freakin hallmark holiday. Alright, so it is a holiday, great.. so then, well what is it for then? An excuse to portray one's love to another, on a national day? Would that be as memorable as any other day? Maybe its just a day that you use to make up for something.. a day for apologies and making up... It seems to me that a lot of people use this day as an excuse to get drunk and get with chicks. Or, to get depressed, then drunk, and then get chicks... No one really remembers who St. Valentine is, or what he did for that fact.. if he really did anything in the first place.. and suddenly, with his death, we get a month labeled with romance. Romance? Obviously some people live with that calendar posted.. but then again, all months for them are for Romance. It almost made me sick. It might be because of the lack of this so called romance, but its probably all the bitterness from the chocolate i ate... that i bought.. on sale.. because of valentines day... I guess thats the only perk that you get when you don't have a valentine... or whatever you want to call it, girlfriend, a one night stand, whatever.. Don't get me wrong, I bet that I did have something like that, today would be great.. I'm despising people who "get around". I think its kinda tacky and kind of wrong. Just a random thought. Today at work, well, was it really work? It was lame without explaining.. but explaination continuing, it was blah. I was on handheld, which was great, nick was in a good mood, so was eddie, and i was outside, i loved it. besides that though, mylene was on the freakin paywindow and just never really did stop talking about johnny i, and how she's over him or something, and how he's a jerk, for something or another, and how she's happy for him that he's found a cool girl, who's not a slut, i guess is what she said. But she really made it clear that she was over him... several times... along with a story told over the headset.. including a phonecall from johnny to mylene about johnny saying that he's sorry or something and that he knows that mylene still like him.. and i guess mylene was just kinda like, what.. i dont' like you. or something.. ugh, why do i freakin remember this junk.. stupid crap.. so then with that, ashley came into the dumb picture that shouldn't have been painted in the first place... anyway, she talked for.. ever.. and I didn't care... ugh.. at least if i were a shrink, i'd be getting paid for hearing this crap. whatever its not my life..

Today was chill. Woke up, home taught, and came home... kimball and i had a different talk today.. it was more real, more what we were like before, straight up with no hidden things. Straight questions, no beating around the bush. It was really neat. Talked about ashley, himself, myself, junk in general, johnny i, which was kinda just, right... anyway, it was pretty good stuff... good times.. different times... later on, we went out riding, trying to teach him how to pull a wheelie... he got a couple small ones in, and he got a nice video clip of me doing a short one.. i'm too scared of doing a long one, and i can't seem to overcome it right now... oh yea, note to self, ease off the gas, it'll prevent you from racking your balls on the gas tank... that was really fun stuff. we also went off roading.. it was great, we want a dirt bike.. my bike was the closest thing, and i'm a little more daring that kimball when it comes to the speed issue.. but on the dirt road it was fine, i was going pretty fast... and at the beginning of the road, theres this steep hill that had 2 paths on it.. one straight down (or up) and the other one on a slant... i chose to go down the slant and head out.. on the way back, i decided to gun it up the steep hill. I caught some air, and landed.. and ate it as well.. my bike is a tad bit more jacked up, but people won't notice.. but man, it was fun like no other...

its 3:03.. i've been having a hard time going to sleep tonight.. i've been trying for 2 hours... besides that... i was also looking through some journal entries with kimball.. sorta.. and man.. it just made me think. what was i really thinking about at that time.. I was really really random and kinda funny.. it made me laugh a lot... on my birthday of 2003, i said something about it sucked, and that i wanted to do something, so i did, and then it turned out to be just as good as getting hit with a baseball bat then being locked up in a freezer with man-eating clams... who comes up with that in their right mind? Maybe i'm growing up and becoming a little more mature.. nah.. well, i am turning 20 soon.. maybe i'll start acting my age... I have been thinking about ashley a lot in the past 2 hours... really random, but not... its all just so funny.. she wrote something about her supposed to be looking for someone to marry.. seems right, she's 20, and game. Haha. I guess she is looking for something serious... but then again.. whats with this johnny i deal? kimball and i talked a little about it... he thinks that they're going out or something.. well kinda.. i guess mylene isn't really over all that, so she calls kimball to talk about him about ashley and to vent and such... i guess johnny i told mylene that he's going out with ashley now, so thats where kimball got that from... i just knew that ashley would be hanging out with johnny i, after saying that he's hot, asking about him, and then blowing me off for him... i wouldn't really say that she's going out with him, i told kimball... i think she's just playing around again, it wouldn't even be called dating to her.. again... heh, kimball made me laugh... he doesn't even know what to call his duration with ashley... i'd call it fun if i were him... i think he's kinda lucky to even have that time... I'm getting over this jealousy deal... i haven't really envied anyone that she's hung out with... johnny i will either put up with ashley, or be the guy he is and be a total a hole to girls and maybe teach somethin to ashley about guys.. heh.. what a weird thought.. ne way.. she's in az now.. i hope she's doing well though... i think i want to pay a visit to the bear sometime.. seems like an interesting and worthwhile trip. I don't think i'd mind, plus, it'd probably help me out a lot with relieving some of my stress and back pain.. oh the thought of that just make me itch... soo good.. her car situation kinda sucks too... and i wonder if she likes the shins as well as the other cd i made her.. i guess it was a valentines type ish cd.. 3 useless words, 1 direction... I haven't really put much thought into what that could mean... i love you, and denied.. haha, thats fun... screw you ashley, and i'm going to hell... i love you, and its all down hill from here.. thats down... i love you, i don't think those are too useless, but could be made useless by an opposing force. let me go... home? Ugh.. I love you and its all down hill from here... my 3 useless words to her, and my one direction pointing downhill. After all this thinking about her, if it really is about her, i realized that it doesn't feel the same... i'm not really mad, not jealous, not envying, just observing... but still, i wish we were something better... hmm, thats a song...

You’re right on time. So early in the morning. This light can blind. My blood shot eyes are burning. And I wish you’d stay, but it still looks like you’re leaving. If you go today, I may never stop this bleeding. And you just let it go. You’d never know how much you meant to us all, and you could never tell. You never felt my hand upon your shoulder and I wish we had something better. And I wish we had something better. I’m late again, I had never seen you hurting. But now, I can but you’ll never be returning. When will we learn. When will we ever grow up. When it’s our turn, Will we say, ‘No one’s ever shown us." And tomorrow we’ll be here. But I don’t know if we’ll be there. And you just let it go. You’d never know how much you meant to us all, and you could never tell. You never felt my hand upon your shoulder and I wish we had something better. And I wish we had something better. And I wish there was something better. And I wish we had something better And I wish there was something betterAnd I wish there was, I wish there was…You could have all that you wanted, But now you have nothing at all. I’ll stare out my bedroom window. And try to forgive, But never forget.

Mike Felumlee - Something better.

I like that song a lot. Songs... I'm happy that I found ashley's favorite song. The lyrics in that song are so.. amazing.. it places a marker in so many people's lives and pinpoints them to what they think they know. It is one of my favorite songs, and Bayside is one of my favorite bands. They're coming out with a new cd.. I'm going to have to get it for sure. Man, i've been saying a lot of slang that isn't mine.. i guess they rub off on me a lot.. i've been having to resist saying cool beans from brittany cuz i've been talking to her for a while now... anyway.. she'll be waking up in like 2 hours.. i should probably go to sleep... thats kind of scary.... i love having the gospel in my life. it makes things more clear when its hazy and i love it. I'm glad that i'm home teaching people. and today, it was very relaxing, i wasn't all jittery and flustered and figity. It was um, for a lack of a word that i can't remember, chill. very chill. I look forward to doing this often. Very often. maybe a couple of years often. lets hope so right mikey? yah, lets do this. but first, we need sleep. lets try again. love love.

Yesterday.. wasn't crazy awsome insane or anything. Bob's birthday, i worked. Had mad amounts of sushi and loved it. Oh my gosh, that was the highlight for sure.... 25 bucks, well 30 bucks with a tip, and man, it was sooo freaking great. Lawrence and I went to this place we've never been to, and had so much junk, we always get our money's worth. Sushi-mon. This guy was wearing a shirt that looked like the pokemon logo, but had sushi on it, i laughed.. The food was so great. I think my favorite roll there is the Moon Roll.. Its got eel, and some other stuff.. i can't really remember, something with yellowtail, and maybe cucumber.. but man, it was great.. This other time that I went alone to eat at some random place, there was this roll called the orgasm roll.. I know funny, who'd ever think, but man, if i knew what an orgasm felt like, I swear this would be it.. but in my mouth.. and not below that. Man, that was great, but this moon roll, was greater.. it was simpler, which made it better I think.. and, it was warm, unlike the rest.. oh dang, so good.. i don't think i've ever been so worked up about a roll... Anyway, after that, i met up with kimball, it was kinda good timing, right when i was about to leave the sushi place, kimball called and was off work, and i was right in the area. We met at the gas station and went to go bowling at sams town with bob and what not for his birthday... i felt like a jerk kinda, i was supposed to be there like 2 hours before that, but I was busy... eating.. good food.. so we arrived and bob and his bro, and jodie left after finishing their game.. kimball and i got added on to the game with britt chris and russell.. Man, I was annoyingly funny.. i was mad trash talking kimball, giving him sooo much crap... but he was right up there with me with the crap talking.. but oh, it felt good backing up my talk.. Main support? my score.. "oh i'm sorry, is that an X under your 5? Oh and that one too, what do you know.. theres 2 of them.. and oh, i'm new to bowling, i dont' have a score yet, is having 2 x's better than having 11? Oh, dang" So great.. i love bowling, it was cosmic too! last time i went cosmic bowling i think was with nick and karalee.. after that i went home, and kimball did too.. for the first time in a couple days.. he slept at his house... i was amazed at kimball 2 nights ago.. We were outside of britt's house talking. Britt's hair is getting thinned out because of her pulling on it and playing with it.. she said its really hard to overcome and stuff, and she's stuggling over it... Kimball, said that that's nothing.. you can get over anything, and nothing is as hard as getting over porn. Then pretty much said a whole lot of crap about porn and how it was hard for him to get over... and the only things that helped him get over porn were praying and reading. He told this to russell and brittany, and it really kinda surprised me... It was really cool, i don't think i'd have guts to try to spread any sort of relation like that toward the thomas'. Porn is really damaging i guess.. dang man.. i still can't really believe kimball said that.. and of course, had to add reading, as in reading the book of mormon, helped me out.. so crazy, but i guess ever opportunty counts when in the mission field. That kid puzzles me like mad. I swear, he's got some weird ways of breaking rules and being obnoxious about things, but has somewhat good intentions, and motives for doing so.. although doing what he wants to do is really skewed. But I really still don't see too much in him... but the glow is getting brighter... although the "we need to find girls" type thing that i hear almost every time we hang out is rather annoying... i think i'd rather be alone or with ashley or with other guys chillin.. to find girls, psh, theres time for that later...

Today. Period. I like the sound of that, Today. Wasn't really that boring. It was fun, different from the norm, and I loved it. I woke up several times today, I haven't exactly have been having the best night's sleep lately. I think my subconscious mind still works too hard whilest I sleep. None the less though, I was happy to have waken up. I brushed my teeth. I have got to remember to keep doing that, I don't want a root canal... i feel sorry for kimball having to have one, and tony too, and chris... man, I really hope I didn't let myself get that far. Freakin stared at my zit for a couple minutes.. its freaking huge.. If i only knew a way to get rid of that shiz. Man, I'd post it on the internet or something. I got a phone call somewhat early in the day from steve. that guy is great. He just got done helping someone move, and picked up some computers from the guy and wanted for me to check them out. While i was on the phone, i had my crazy roommates, and sean, attack me with my own belongings while i talked on the phone in my bed. what morons, but what fun. Hmm.. Steve got some good stuff out of one computer, the other one was as useless as me trying to dance. I installed steve's tv card, and some ram, and that was that.. His kid is so great.. I love him, i haven't seen him for a while now, and man, he got taller.. its crazy.. Hes on the verge of talking!! He's so close!! its exciting!! He says bye bye or somethign now, and waves.. so cute.. and man, when i was playin with the computer parts, i swear he would say something.. like actually say something.. it was crazy cool! He's so cute.. Oh yea, and man, there was this cheeseball that steve made me try.. and oh my gosh.. it was amazing... i must learn how to make it. dang and there was some raspberry and what not... soo good... anyway, steve and i chilled for a while, it was good seeing him.. then i went down to the squires house.. i was pretty sure that ashley wouldn't be there, and i said to britt that i'd stop by this weekend.. man i love her... she's cool, her and elyssa, love her too, she's always so freakin crazy, and dang, she's got my bandana still!! Elyssa is so whacked out, but she's so fun.. and whacked out.. her and britt were upstairs and i just got done securing the computer for the most part.. and went up stairs to see whats up, and britt just stairs at me and smiles like she does all the time.. and then you hear this brittttaannyyy.. snuggggleeesss... and i just blankly stared.. we walked into her room and britt spooned elyssa while she read.. aloud... shakespeare i think... no wait, it was huckleberry finn at the shakespeare part... it was cute and odd funny... i laughed then elyssa told britt to scoot over and told me to come and spoon too... and well, i did.. and i laughed again... then i started looking up at her walls... the white and red, and miscellaneous things posted above her closet, and the little calendar thingy next to her window... and her odd i guess heart lamp, that pretty much is just a light mounted to the wall at a very odd angle, the cover just falls off i guess.. it was funny, laying in her bed.. i started picturing what ashley's room looked like before... heh, it was cool... and then as if britt read my mind or something, showed me ashley's room.... her room is pretty tight, i think it looks better than before.. its gray, but its got a greenish tint or somethin that i saw.. really slick... her duvet cover is pretty bad ass and she's got red sheets with it too... on the floor were some picture frames, with matting for 4 pictures.. they were tight, i wonder what she'll put in them, i want some frames like that.. actually i just want 2 triples... we were hanging out in her room for a while, felt kinda weird... it was fun though, she's got this little drawing thing or something with sponge bob by her doorway, the marker is japanese and the drawings were hilarious... stick figures of ashley and lyss humpin or somethin... dancing maybe, i think humping is funnier... it was fun, her room is going to look sweet when she's done.. brad's computer is almost done... just need a video card for them.. he wants to pay me for it, but i don't really feel right about having them pay me for it.. they could use the extra speed, plus, its mostly extra parts laying around for me.. i don't mind at all... It was good to talk to the squires parents... they're so great. i left my beatle's cd over there though... its kinda comforting to talk to them... man, it was just nice in general to be over there hanging out.. I haven't hung out with karalee or todd in maybe 2 or 3 weeks now... i've seen karalee twice though, once at work when i wasn't exactly a happy camper, and tonight during dinner... didn't seem too happy to see me either.. whatever.. i really did try to hang out with them both, but i couldn't get either of them to hang out... so then i stopped trying, and well, doesn't really make a difference, it'd just make me feel worse if i tried. been hanging out with kimball a lot still.. its different... he's over right now infact.. i guess he's chillin with my roomies.. i'm not exactly in the most social mood right now.. i'm kind of just irritated for some unknown reason.. maybe lack of fluids or something, i'm kind of tired, and half dizzy, but i know i shouldbe all good, cuz my day was fine and all... i think i'm just exhausted... too much crap going on.. that could explain my massive freakin zit on my nose... oh well i hope this blows over.. love me.

Sunday, sunday sunday.. sure was a long long day... But it was really sweet... and tangy..

It was great, today was my first time home teaching in forever, maybe ever... well, at least in the singles ward... it was pretty cool, Nathan Lystrup was who we taught, that was fun... It was really interesting... i mean the day.. lets see... I woke up at like 8 or so, got ready, did some junk, i don't really even remember what junk, but anyway, got all set, then just waited... Ried was supposed to come pick me up so we could go before 11. well i guess he came at 10:45 and knocked, but no one heard it... so he thought just to go over to nathans on his own... well at 10:45, i was talking to brittany squires online and chattin away while listenin to music and what not... funny, i thought, its almost 11 and I haven't heard from him... Well i called him up around 11:05 and said hey whats up man, we still doin this thing? so haha, he came back and picked me up and took off.... now this ried guy.. kinda interests me.. very.. uh... white... i guess is the way to explain it... he drives a Nissan Sentra SE-R Spec-V.. pretty nice car for choice of nissan... and it was stick... and it had cold air intake... I got into his car, and said, hey, nice car... and that sound... ooo, i likey, cold air eh? yea, i picked it out... go me... woot.. well, he's just a kinda weird guy... makes me think of a white asian who well... uh, white asian that couldn't be any whiter.. he races (illegally) i guess... but its weird... hes been on his mission, but really... i don't know, he's got some funny presence.. and its uh.. kinda like he's got no substance, so this presence fills it in... he's a good guy from what i've seen... the teaching went well, besides a half hour talking about cars, car accidents, car mishaps, speeding tickets, car stories. Pretty much it was about what we were doing... missionary work, how it was spread, and how we should all be spreading it... i compared it to a flame, makes sense right.. well, our lord is the flame, and the only way to spread it around, is to get closer, get lit, then spread it around by letting other people know of the lord.. like in a dark room.. god'll be holding a candle, and well, we want to get to know the lord, so.. through other people, in the church or wherever, they'll be in between, helping god spread the flame down to us, so we'll be lit up.. or maybe even we're in between, so then we light someone else up.. makes sense... i guess it worked out well, or something.. but funny, there was a poem also written in what was printed out of the ensign.. and it read about a lantern and another person, who's lantern went out... it was way cool, wasn't the first time iv'e ever heard of the flame deal, but i guess it was the first time that I was personally able to explain it, and really know what i was talking about, and feeling it too... Church was pretty good today, was long... i met tony at the stake center.. he and i were the only ones who went, but it was good, we got good seats and all, the missionaries pretty much gave up their seats for us.. it was nice of them, plus i sat next to some people i knew, cindy jones, nathan and his girlfriend, bridget, kristen, and of course tony.... Man, its so cool, tony'd being baptized on the 19th... I think it'll be a good step for him, he's been exposed to the gospel for a while now, living with us, living with jen, being good friends with everyone, russel, houston... Houston seems like a really good example for Tony. I guess Houston sent Tony a book of mormon from his mission and wrote stuff in it.. It was really cool, i dont' know what it says, but it sure sounds cool... oh yea, so now houston just moved in tonight too.. and on top of that, kyle moved out, and we set up a lot of band equipment.. i was excited... tony jumped in and out of my room and said, taking back sunday, 180 summer.. and i said alright.. learned most of it, and said, woot.. here we go... then played bonus mosh pit, then you're so last summer.. freakin love it!! i really wish i could sing... it was exciting though... tony is so great with the drums, i wish i was better at the guitar for him... oh yea, apparently tony said to houston (in front of me) looks like we got our lead guitar player.. mikey, this is houston, houston this is mikey... i laughed... i said what!? lead guitar? freak man, i'm not good at all that solo junk... he's like whatever man, you learned that other stuff, and you're asian you can do anything... plus houston is better at the rhythm guitar.. so i said alright... these up coming months will be fun...

I hope I can come up with the money that I need.. 667 dollars i guess is roughly what i need... lets see.. 167 by the 10th... 100 by the 20th, and 400 whenever... i'm a slacker i guess right now... at least i've been consistant with doing pushups and kinda working out at home.. i need to bulk up.. i'm skinny.. not too attractive like that... i guess i can't go too far with my imperfected charm and personality, so i think i might need a little muscle... heck, i don't even really know, and i didn't even care before, but now, i'm wanting to because i have nothing else to do.. besides mope around and think about ashley or something.. I don't relaly even know why i'd be moping about ashley.. why is that.. i'm not feeling any desire right now.. its really been on and off the past week or so... i'm really kind of just indecisive.. but it doesn't really matter what i am.. she pretty much made it clear that we're never gonna happen.. so i guess thats cool... I think i can take that like a man or something.. but.. this is the first time she said never... as much as i'd like to think that she didn't mean it.. i'm pretty sure she did and does... and well, i don't want to say its a dead end, but sure seems like the road stopped, and the bumpy dirt road begins... again... SO often I think that maybe i'll get my mind off of her with another girl... i guess that'd be ideal, thats what a lot of people do right... get over one girl by finding another... but, a couple things seem wrong to me with that.. i don't think its fair for the other girl... that'd be pretty low... i mean, if you're thinking about a girl so much, that you need to find another girl to take your mind off the other one, aren't you just using her? some say yes, some say no... i guess it'd be fine if you were completely in love with this new chick.. heh, sure would suck if you're with that other girl and all you could think about was that one that you're stuck on... oh wait, it did suck... i guess that was part of my problem... I don't honestly know what I want from ashley. I don't know why she's stuck in my mind, and why i can't get her out. I'm pretty sure thats its all not just physical. She's too different.. but the same... her mind works so... weird... when it comes down to something, she really blows me away with what she thinks of.. she just posted on livejournal, the last part read:

I decided that I hate the term "normal". I was thinking about this the other day and who really decides what normal is? Probably some insane psycho freak, And if you dont fit in this box then your just not socially acceptable or what? But NO ONE is normal. So I think that makes us all hypocrits. Being different is beautiful. Our mistakes, failures, hurts, pains, scars, paranoia, I think thats what makes someone beautiful. Because its makes you realize what you want, be stronger, know what true happiness is and how to get it. Ive been finding myself insecure lately. And why? Because Im not art of the norm? I dont fit in this box that everyone has created? I think its better that way.

I'd like to hope that it wasn't me that started that, but i'm pretty sure that I did.. she's got a point though, and its a point that i've known forever now. I never really used the word normal, unless it referred to a past setting.. i stopped referring to people being normal, but more towards their situations relating towards their history, almost like an algorithm... but still.. hmm.. I remember in high school, i'd always say something instead of being normal... i knew that i said that there is no normal, nothing is normal, its made up for social conformity.. but that wasn't what i was thinking of... amy duke.. she said something about it.. that brought up our inside joke of being uniquely different.. it was i guess, beautiful.. it was more attractive as well.. she was definitely a different one... a creative mind for sure... why couldn't i figure myself out for her.. i was hooked on her forever until ashley... how stupid... i've been really absent minded in what i've been choosing to say lately. I haven't and won't make excuses for them because i know that i should only say what i mean... i hate going back on that... What am i learning from her... why do i even care... she said something about her turning 20 and supposed to be looking for marriage... i thought, man, i'm turning 20 at the end of this month... and uh, well, i'm in no situation to be looking for marriage.. and i have nothing to offer to ashley, and well i'm not even in the game for that, why bother.. thats totally absurd.. i'm not even that cool to hang around with beacuse i'm so dumb... i'm turning 20... shit man, why am i crying... 20... 4 years ago i was 16... i'm still in the mindset that i still am 16, yet alone 19... i'm still too immature... why the hell would any girl be interested in me... why would i be even interested in myself.. i'm not in college, i don't make great money, infact i'm not making any good money right now, i'm a total jackass, people like me, but they don't even know me, i'm just a freakin fake. What is my future.. Hopes and dreams apparently.. only thing that is keeping me going is the dream of going on a mission, being worthy, meeting someone, having that happy ending, knowing that everything will be alright in his hands.. how long will i take to get going.. i'm no competition for anyone else in the job field right now... i'm 20, by the time i finish the schooling i want, i'll be 27, pharmacy i guess is what i should go into, its the smartest... i'm 20.. if i get going on my mission this year, i'll be 22.. then 29 out of school, and thats if i'm dang good at everything... why is this being so freakin discouraging... its not because of ashley, not be cause of what i have, its because of what i've done. i've made this path. I'm in my own. all this builds character. this isn't who i want to be. this is not where i pictured myself. what am i going to do to get to where i want. Goal setting comes to mind. I've never been good at that. school was a goal.. i almost failed miserably.. dispite honors classes. I was lucky to even stay in those classes.. Bright, not smart... smart would include studying... damn it. damn it! Am i a pessimist? No. I'm being real. this is the real life, and this is where i'm at. I'm not good enough for any girl. pretty much everyone is better than i am, better looking, better smooth talker, stonger, whatever.. Why the hell am i comparing myself to others... when did i ever start caring... why did i start caring.. i hate that question. brings so much shit into me. why did i start caring... normal... i've said that a damn lot... whatever though, I said it. pin it to me. her and i have always been on different pages.. even musicwise... we can think we like the same music... or we like the same whatever.. who cares... doesn't mean anything.. everyone and their mom could like the same junk... music is still my starting gear in life... words put into song for a reason. For fun, for a loved one, for something. theres always a reason... its beautiful.. there is no normal in music. The genres aren't even right. they can't control what the bands decide to put out. Rock, punk, emo, screamo, whatever.. all the same.. its music.. rap, r&b, pop, same junk.. whats the differece... the singer?! music can be so abstract that its attractive to someone, always. No matter what, somoene always likes it. I've always loved ot write songs.. even if they didn't have words... i've never written anything down, just because i know that I wouldn't be happy with it, or i'd add something to it.. it'll change and i'll always like it.. I just love thinking about what goes together, the sound that makes you feel so good inside and knowing that you are the one that accomplished it.. i wish life was more like music.. we all have our song.. we've heard that before.. what we do with our lives, writes the notes down... we don't all do the same thing, so no one's song is the same, they're all unique. and they're all beautiful. my dream, well i think everyone's dream, is to find someone else, another song, that creates a perfect harmony with my song. They're song is different, but when combined, they make an awesome piece...

You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

i can't go on.

Anybody else screw up their day by doing everything wrong? Why is it that everyone has to hit rock bottom before reaching sky high? I keep saying that today is the worst day of my life. I know my life isn't that bad, I know that everything that could go wrong didn't. And somethings that need to go wrong did. But I'm failing to recognize why. I felt like throwing up when I got my job at Forum Shops... I felt really dizzy and felt like crying in the middle of my BMW interview.. I felt like crying today at work. What am I saying exactly... I don't know. If I did, I probably wouldn't feel this way about it anymore. I don't understand. I don't understand how I work. There are doctors that diagnose people for depression. What is that?!
Depression / Clinical Depression
Psychology. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.
I don't understand depression like I don't understand why people smoke. There is no one cause of depression. My cousin dianosed himself with clinical depression. Maybe it runs in the bloodline or something.
Inablity to concentrate.
ADD is coming back to me. Maybe I really did have it when I was younger. Maybe its just Ashley. That could be a good excuse. But I had those problems before I met her. I haven't been able to think. I wrecked 6 times in the past year. 5 of which were in the same quarter. Karalee's car. My bike, a car at Mercedes, my bike, a car at valet, and uh, my bike. All because something I wasn't able to concentrate. Dumb thoughts. Thinking should be banned in 49 states.
Insomnia.
Sleep? Whats that? Never really has much sleep since junior year. And even before that, what was the point of going to sleep when you couldn't and had a game in front of you. Or you had a puzzle in your head. People, girls, memories, all haunted me. I never really lost sleep over a girl until recently. Memories always, and dumb things that i did or said, always kept me up, tryin to relive them again as something that could've gone better for one reason or another.
Loss of appetite.
Food? I'm never hungry, either that or i just say I am but aren't. Or to be polite. I'm eating right now because I'm actually hungry. Amazing james. amazing. I went to Buca last night, lots of food, but only had one piece of pizza. it was good though. I don't know.
Anhedonia.
My life in the past 2 weeks. Doing things that normally would make me happy, but cease to do so. I can't do the same things that satisfy me anymore. Its like everything reminds me of something that was more fun. Or maybe i'd like to do something better at the time. Its like one thing can change your view on all the others, it sucks that something can weigh so much on a person.
Feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness.
Why would I be sad. I said things that I thought should've been said. I'm getting what I thought would be best. I don't even know what I'm getting from her. I feel like crap saying things that I did, but its things that I were actually thinking. Things that I felt. And now I have guilt. Guilt for what, dang it. I shouldn't have guilt any of these feelings that I do for telling her. Sure I was retarded and said in other words that I want to be friends still because of her family, but well, thats what it was. I'm helpless, and hopeless.. I keep looking down on myself. reading back on what I wrote, I sure am optimistic about everything. Cory, someone who doesn't really even know me too much said that I'm much of a pessimist, and we were only talking about girls. It wasn't specifically ashley, but then again, there wasn't really much besides ashley.
This is all too dumb. Love is dangerous. I don't even really fully know if thats what this is. An obsession? Its probably wanting something thats so close you can taste it, but so far away as to only see it. I can't keep myself straight about this, I've never been so 1. honest. 2. flustered. 3. incoherent in my life.. I thought that everything would be alright. I told kimball that its just a girl, get over it. I can't get over it. I knew better than to get stuck. What did I do? Get stuck, get unstuck, fall back in and not get out. Now I'm just making things worse. I can't even just be friends with her. Whats that all about. I can be just friends with everyone else I know, but for some reason, this one I can't. I keep messing up. Every 5 minutes or so I've told myself that it'll get better from here on... today will be fun, tonight will be fun, i'm hanging out with other people, it'll be fun.. who am I fooling... Its like i psych myself in and out of the same thing.. its like i think about it so much that it doesn't happen. its like I prevent myself from it happening before anything could even happen/ or not happen. She said never. I can take words. Anything written hurts worse for some reason. Maybe because I'm left using my own concepts of what I want the context to mean. Like I'm too blind.. like it may be blunt, but it wouldn't make sense to me even with its bluntness...
Thoughts of death.
Everyone says that if you dream that you're dying that you've died.. or are dead.. or prophesy your death... Hasn't come to me yet. I've been scared for my life on occasions where I've had dreams of dying, but then not even coming close to it... I think of dying a lot, or the thought of injuring myself for the apparent reason of having someone take care of me, or someone caring at all. And maybe to feel such agonizing pain would snap me out of what situation I'm it. It all makes no sense.. None of this makes no sense..

I have no reasonable explainaions as to why I feel the way I do. So I ask.. Why do I feel this way.. and I answer.. I might have screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to me... and i comment on that... Seems like this thing is really important to everyone and their mom. There doesn't seem to be an apparent solution at this time. I don't think there were any temporary solutions before either... And why does it seem like this is my biggest problem.. I'm in debt, lost one of my jobs, and i'm in more debt.. but why does this have to weigh over the rest... I'd like to think that its because I care more about her than the rest of the things in my life.. but really, if i went and actually said that, then where would i be at again... so, i tell myself, its because its the most recent problem...
Its not even a problem...
ahh f it.