You know, things have been great.. I can't really complain about too much.. for myself at least... its so hard to see my friends in "despair" or depressed... I'm definitely not able to help and it affects me so much... I can't help them when I can't help myself.. I'm in no place to do either... I've been able to hang out with Ashley a whole lot lately... Its almost like she's becoming my karalee... i dunno... thats kinda weird to say, and kinda funny, but they're both great, i love them too much sometimes its scary...it hurts and its hard hanging out with ashley when she's got so many issues that she's able to talk with me about, and i can't offer any extensive help with any of it.. theres nothing i can really say to make things better for her.. or even kimball... and it really just tears me apart because i care too much... ashley's been great.. at least she's been pretending to be dandy.. but i really hope that part of her will realize what she has to do, and i pray that the spirit would guide her to make the decisions she needs to make and that will make her happy... she's a strong spirit, and very capable for anything and everything that is thrown at her... she's got her trials, she's been getting herself into them though, but i mean, its nothing that she can't handle.. heavenly father knows what we can handle and for sure won't give us more than what we can.. Kimball too, as much as i have love/hate for him.. i really do hope that the spirit finds him again, and that he'll get his priesthood back and be able to serve a mission.. i believe that it'll be the best for him and will help with the many problems that he's facing in himself today.. he's definitely been burdened more than the rest of us, but that makes him stronger, i know that if i was burdened with as much as he has, i wouldn't be able to handle it.. I have total faith that kimball can pull through, i know that the spirit will guide him to where he needs to be to do his work... Karalee too... she's preparing for her wedding, and things are sort of winding down, and up for her.. I know she's a trooper.. her heart is so big that it amazes me.. she knows whats good for her, and most of the time is able to recognize what she feels she needs.. It was good spending time with her today, i got to see her in her wedding dress, without the beading though.. it was beautiful none the less.. she'll make a wonderful mother and wife for todd.. Its scary though... seeing that she's getting all set for this... but i really am happy... So many things have been just occuring... things that dont' need to happen, and could definitely ruin one's day, but it really hasn't been that bad, and it really hasn't been soo burdensome.. its as if the weight has been lifted off my shoulders... I know my bike is paid off, and i owe a whole lot to my mother for that, but i don't think thats part of what was holding me down... i feel like i've regained my abilty to just, feel good and live... as well as feel the spirit and live through it everyday... i know that its going to be rough preparing for my mission, and i'm more than willing to go through with anything thats going to obstuct my way... I'm just really happy, for myself.. but so sad for others... if everything just worked out in the next 7 days, i'd be like 2432.3 times happier... it'll work out.. i know it will... for everyone...

One short fuse, clipped shorter.

I've been having a hard time trying to keep myself sane... I've been so emotional, confused about what I want, annoyed, introverted, and extroverted at the same time.. I'm just so complicated. I can't keep my mind from wandering from one subject to another.. I keep thinking one thing, and I'll think about another way/outcome for it... maybe if i hate, maybe if i love, maybe if i stop, maybe if i leave... what sucks is that it doesn't matter at all... I love life.. the opportunities for anything and everything, and nothing make it interesting... Whatever makes me happy...

Now being in love with happiness is one thing .. And being in love with life is another .. But being in love with a single person .. Well shit .. Youve just earned a ticket to heaven and if you arent careful will also send you straight to hell...In this past year Ive learned to love someone and care for someone .. I didnt think it was possible .. But that feeling of knowing you are in love .. well .. that just brings along an entire new process to put on top of that major thinking problem I had for 9 months and is still continuing .. Well I didnt fall into love .. I didnt walk into it either .. I earned it .. Now pretty odd right? Earning to fall in love ? Maybe it should be called appreciating love .. Whatever it is ..It happened .. And there is and was nothing I could do about it ..Learn to accept it .. Deal with it .. And move along .. Because with people .. If that other person doesnt love you back you cant change them .. But with ideas well you can change them into whatever it is that you want .. . Needless to say its been a rough fucking year .. and Ive realized how strong and weak I am and that its ok where I stand.

I've been needed people to talk to.. I've found myself talking to people that really don't care, and have no idea what i'm talking about, and all they can offer is simple words that have no real meaning except, "Yea, i'm listening." Even lately, its been hard to talk with my own close friends just because they're so involved with their own lives and whats going on in their lives, and I respect that they should be, and its important.. Its hard to talk to someone when every fragment I say is heard, but not understood. But everything I say is somehow related to the same off topic and non related subject that they're really stuck on... heh.. it turns from me from trying to talk, to listening to something thats getting less exciting... Then talking to my mom is harsh. She's trying to help me, but needs needless information that has nothing to do with what needs to be done with.. she'll also sit there and ask about 30 different non related things, thinking that she'll get the same the same answer.. then i'll answer whatever she wants, and she'll be pissed off when she gets some answer thats she's not looking for.. so then at the end, she'll finally say what she wants when she's pissed off... and thats how most of our conversations go. damn it.

"Friends are so weird. It seems like I don't really fit in anywhere. Everyone I'm friends with has other close friends. And this seems weird, but when I'm with a friend, I want them mostly to myself. Or I want to be friends with everyone in the same way they are. That probably didn't make sense to you. But I don't know; it just seems like everyone I used to be really close friends with has changed so much. We aren't as close. New friends I make already have all these sets of friends. It's like all these set-in-stone cliques. They are all so lame and frustrating. Eeeegahdg. " -Elyssa

I haven't seen her for a while now, maybe a week, i think i see her and britt like, once every 2 weeks or so... I think it'd be kinda weird just to stop by and say hi to them... i mean, without ashley there, or karalee or something.. or me being there for some purpose like a computer, or something... its kinda weird.. I've been so self-conscious about a lot of things, kind of like that sort of junk too though... at the wedding today, I wouldn't get up and get food because I felt bad about not being there for the whole ceremony, you know, it'd kinda make it look like I just came for the food, which isn't it at all... I was so hungry, but i didn't have money to pay for anything, and still felt bad about eating a little rice... but then again, i've been spending money for other people a lot lately too.. and its totally not necessary, so i guess i kinda put myself in that, no money deal myself. I've been so unnecessary lately.. theres like no point for me being in places sometimes... I'm just there for nothing.. walking around, or "hanging out" or something.. i don't feel like i belong.. Today for instance.. i made the excuse of checking out best buy and a bunch of other places for apps... I got bored after dropping kimball off at work, so i rode around, then went to best buy, walked around with no interest at all for any merchandice, and then just happened to notice that they weren't hiring.. i was there for about an hour, then ran across to the other places... i wasn't looking for anything, i wasn't there for anything, i knew i was wasting time, but i normally like to waste time when i have something to look forward to or something i'm actually wasting time for.. today, was pretty much, lets waste time so i can go and be weird... I kept thinking tonight. I don't know about what, well i do, but there was so much crap.. i was being annoyed so much... and my mind kept wandering.. it was so hard to keep any kind of eye contact with anyone.. i had to force myself to stare or something.. it wasn't comfortable at all... looking at ashley made me want to blind myself... she always looks beautiful when she's goin out for something... I couldn't really keep a conversation going, i had nothing to say.. karalee asked whats wrong and whats up when i sat down next to her, i couldn't really say much... there is and isn't anything to say, or to have said. which kind of reminds me randomly. I picked 2 flowers at the wedding. The first was the daisy. Maybe subconciously i knew that it was ashley's favorite, and somehow I picked the rose too, karalee's favorite... I didn't really mean to pick both of their favorites, infact i didn't think of them at all.. i guess my mind is weird like that... but i knew something struck me about that daisy... weirdness... if only i could explain wierd instances like that.. oh hello, i forgot, i was wondering why i'm so mellow right now and back then, i took some meds... interesting... it shouldn't affect me at all, but i guess its got some kind of effect... weird... anywho, i'm at home..

I'd love to go searching for stars on a starless night, but by only gazing in ones eyes.