I don't know how much longer I can last like this. I have to get my shit together, cause I can't live like this forever. You know I've come so far and I don't wanna . So many things have happened in these past two months that I had so much trouble with, and I can't say that I've handled them well. As much as I think I'm alright, I think I might need to seek professional help. From being called a pedophile, to being called homosexual in the same night, tack on being so stressed out and almost exploding at work, to my room being always a mess and never how I want it, I'm getting really jacked up. Why is it that I always find a way out by thinking everything is alright when its totally not. Its like I like being blind to the truth or something. Brandon may be right about me right now, I'm just not finding happiness in the things I used to. And I can't even imagine being diagnosed with "depresssion" at this time. I can't think of why its so harsh to me either. Ugh, my effing ipod is jacking up and now my computer is crashing all the effing time. The small things. damn it... its the effing small things that are getting to me. shoot, and its the big things as freakin well. Its me. Its all of me, is everything that surrounds me and is related to me.

Always ending up freakin crying for nothing. I hate fucking christmas. No. I hate my fucking family during christmas. I can't find what I want in looking into this. I want to be with my family, but at the same time its like I'm repelling myself away from my family. So stopping by my dads house several times was hella pointless. Calling Andy wasn't exactly freaking worth getting the answering machine. I knew my mom wouldn't pick up her phone because she was out of town. and well, Ian and I aren't exactly the best of friends. So I get a card from Ian and Wendy and inside is a card from the gap. Woot, at least some contact was made. I know he still cares, but is freakin weird about showing it. I called him up and everyone was over there. Yeah.. that makes sense to me, I'm not what they want, I'm not where I'm supposed to be when it comes to them. I am on my own to this extent. I do whatever I want, no strings attached, thats just it, no strings attached. Shouldn't there be strings attachted? This isn't even relevant.

I've thought of this progression/regression crap. Sure that was the stupidest thing I've written. Sometimes I read over what I've written and can't imagine what was going on in my head. I don't care how much I've progressed/regressed in the past months. All I care about is if I'm still alive and in good condition to keep looking up.

So being called a pedophile and homosexual by sean's dad didn't so much sit so well when it came out. I was so pissed off. Many different facets on that one. But after confronting it, I thought it would've been resoloved, but being around their family brings up hesitant feelings about being there. I feel awkward and fake around them. It wasn't that bad when I was playing settlers with them and Lindsay.

I saw Lindsay for the first time in 2 years now.. That had to have been the most excited I've been in the last couple months. Catching up with her was amazing, its so funny, talking to her is kinda like talking to her mom, but in a much cooler way. She's always so careful about everything, she doesn't take as many risks as I would take or as even Jacob would take. But thats my perspective on risks. I'd still go 300mph if I could. She's doing well, school is goin well for her, haven't met the boy of her life yet. Monica is married and she knew that she'd be the first to go out of the group.. Never without a boyfriend.. and its true.

I've been looking into new jobs, trying to find something that maybe suits me a little better. I think geek squad is hiring again, but I don't know how thats going to work.. Dental assistant is still up in the air. But i'm just unhappy at this freakin burger place. Its been hell and a half there, and it'll be hell and three quarters soon.

My cat is sitting on me right now, just jumped on me and laid down on me.. she's cute.. I wonder what it'd be like to be a cat. Cats eyes are tight. Holly's eyes are freakin unique. I like her, i think.. at least I think I like her.. She's cool.. the reasoning behind the thinking of liking her is kinda weird.. I don't care so much about having a crazy relationship with her, but i care about having a chill friendship. Not so much normal for me, but whatever.

I like that the more I write, the more calm I get. Its a different feeling of peacefullness that I'm not usually able to achieve. Its going to be a new year, always a different outlook. Who knows...

Well, my computer crashed for the 5th time this morning.. crashed too many times last night too... I'm frustrated with it, but there isn't much to be done about it. I'm more frustrated that I'm pretty sure that Ashley's latest post was about me. Whatever. She can think whatever her pretty little head wants to now... She's right, I know she wouldn't be a good match for me. I've been over that for a while now. And if that post really is about me, and she thinks that its been based off a bunch of bullshit and all about me, then maybe if freakin has. It certainly was based on me liking her and building a relationship off that. Not exactly the epitome of a best friendship.
I was all fine about her. I might have not been perfectly normal around her, but I haven't been anywhere near normal for the past month. Everyone has noticed something different wrong with me. And I didn't think anything wrong with our friendship until that crap came up. And maybe when she left my car. She was busy with robbie the whole week, and I had no desire to hang out with anyone. So I'm selfish, I gave a whole lot to her throughout the period I've known her, but 10 bucks says that that isn't what she's talking about, I never know anyway. The only thing that I can possibly think of that could've made her pissed off was when I said, doesn't that mean you have to go. I didn't mean that I wanted her to go. It was just being courteous to Todd and Karalee. Sean and Sj already passed the car. Whatever.. its all too fragile. A possible time for an explaination might help, but who knows about that... it'll be another one of those long talks in which I'm always in the wrong. Bunch of bullshit.

I haven't been able to get my freakin iPod to work.. I'm getting really annoyed with this all. Its just not working. All my music is gone, its not updating, my ipod isn't even responding half of the time.. I'm really frustrated. I want music damn it.. and then Joe reed has my freakin cd player with him.. that bastard....

I've put myself into a hell of a lot more debt. Thats probably one of the more stressful things in my life right now. Just having so much debt and not being able to pull out of it. 1500, doesn't seem like that much. But thats just my rational thought of what I might owe after this month. It still up to 1800. Stupid car insurance killed me. 1k of car insurance for 6 months. Something is freaking wrong when you look at that, and then look at my pos car. Gas is killing me on the other credit card.. Freakin shit. Its out of control.

I'm going to love hating my day at work today.

Christmas eve. It really doesn't feel like Christmas. I thought that same thought last year, and the year before, but this year defines that sentence. Its warm outside in the mornings... well, not so much warm, but I can wear a short sleeve shirt outside without complaining too much.

Its like pulling teeth trying to write again. No thoughts come to mind, at all. I play World of Warcraft when I'm at home. I think it really does save me money.. in a way... I spend 15 bucks, and I sit at home and play all month. That doesn't require gas, or money to buy food, just rent money.. My guitar is beautiful, I love the sound of it, I replaced the strings on it, and it sounds, well... like my old guitar with a facelift. I've been taking random pictures of whatnot again, and some of people.. Holly mostly was on my last roll... that was of the Christmas breakfast we had on wednesday. I've worked a little with Steve and Todd, but only a little, I've been occupied at my own job a whole lot more than ever. Working 35-45 hours a week isn't so much of a shock as it is a change from last year. Today was my 1st day of full on cooking the 2nd grill, sure i've had practice for a half hour to an hour on the 1st in the mornings or throwing rows on the 3rd, but that was nothing compared to being on to being thrown on the 2nd grill and cooking the whole day without being snowed too badly.. I'm the 1st guy cook that is at the store since Eddie got there. I have burns on my fingers on random spots, they're aggravating me. I need to do my laundry, I don't want to stay up all night though, so i'm not going to start. Its Chirstmas eve and I don't so much care. Caring has been such a hard thing lately, not only about people, but about everything else. My phone sucks, my car sucks, I suck, work sucks, girls suck, I haven't tried to hang out with my best friends, i haven't called anyone, i'm not doing anything, i have 2 cats, panda hides under the bed the whole day and night, and cocoa sleeps on me, my comptuer is stiarting to suck, i spend all day at work, and i don't care, i play computer games all day and i don't care, presents suck, i haven't finished and i shouldn't have started. money sucks, but i don't care.. credit cards suck, i kinda care about that, but they still suck, my hair sucks, but i don't care as much about that as people think, well as ashley thinks, all my laundry is scattered in a corner, nope dont' care so much, my hamper has been sitting by the laundry machine for about 2 months, and i sitll dont' care, my room is a mess, don't so much care, i have nothing really to do and i don't care, i don't get mail, don't care, i really wonder why i'm really writing about things that i don't so much care about, its a freaking long list, and i don't care...

ben moved into my house. he's a pretty odd kid, but he's at least a good kid. his girlfriend is funny. apparently i'm still everyone's asian. and well, she and her friend think that i'm the coolest asian ever. I haven't done much to try to impress anyone, and i think i'm kinda glad about that. I like that people at work don't know exactly who i am. I don't really like that I don't know who I really am. I think everyone has that problem though. ben is still kinda crazy, i've seen him about 6 times tonight, all entering and exiting the house with his girlfirend, all within 2 hours, i wonder if they actually have anywhere to go. There are so many choices I had to choose from tonight. I didn't feel up to going anywhere. I worked till 6:15, talked with holly till around 7, then came home. I didn't have the urge to spend time with people. Its stupid sometimes. Its a weird feeling of sympathy that i get when i'm at someone elses house with their complete family attending or communicating over the phone. My mom is out of town for christmas, my dad hasn't picked up the phone. Ian sent me a $25 gap card.. that is interesting... andy is well, probably working... I think its good being at home with myself. I seem to reflect on myself a lot when I'm alone like this. It doesn't seem progressive, but it doesn't seem regressing either. I dont' care actually.. I have pop. I'm goign to drink a mug. I have a hard time finding feelings when i look at a picture of ashley lately. Its not like I dont' want to see her, I think its more like, I know our friendship is still there and doesn't need to be checked out and renewed every week or so like a library book.. im falling asleep