My gosh, its been a long time.. I really need to write more, especially since I'm leaving soon.

Anyway, yeah, its July 1st. 2nd, whatever you want to call it.. I don't know exactly why or what started half of all this junk goin on, but I'm sick of crying. This is the 3rd day that I've cried, I swear that I'm going to be satisfying the need for las vegas to have rain. I come home, I keep to myself, I sit around do nothing, stare at things, shuffle through old items and start freakin out. I called Elyssa, but she didn't pick up, and randomly I held down Ashley's speed dial and didn't hang up. I didn't know that her phone had been charged and that she actually used it, so I was quite surprised when she picked up the phone and talked with me. Talking to her has been kinda fun lately, a little short, but fun none the less... I'm a sucky phone person, but whatever who cares. Anyway, we talked as I went through a bunch of my pictures, and then started getting in to the more issue related stuff. You know, the whole mission thing and how I'm staying at her mom and dad's... I don't know, I think it was a long introduction into a rant of some sort. I ended up talking to Robert who helped me understand a whole lot of things regarding some of the things we can do with the priesthood.. I didn't know about the whole casting satan and his followers and such out... it'll be quite helpful... Yeah we talked, a lot.. it was good, I needed all of it... It was so nice to hear Robert's voice. Ashley's too... Man I miss them both and am so glad that I"m going to be visiting them with Karalee and Todd in a few weeks... so yea thats most of it..

oh yeah of course... two minutes or so after I get off the phone with Robert, I picked up a bug with a tissue, flushed it down the toilet, turned around and had uncontrollable tears just streaming down my face... as much as I could try to calm myself down, nothing seemed to turn the waterworks off... I did the whole stuff your face with a pillow type thing too... that was kinda funny, but sure didn't help me a bit. Anyway, I ended up grabbing my keys, and just running... running down the street around the corner until one of the bends, then started walking and eventually just walked back slowly... Oh and I stopped by the time I got to walking. I come back in, and I guess I freaked Brizzie out or something and just went to my room to catch my breath and such.... then decided i needed some water... I got some water, sat down at the table, started drinking it, and then started thinking, then praying, then just chilling there with my eyes closed and my teeth clenched... a minute or so later Britt comes walkin down to comfort me and all I do is just cry more... freakin embarrassing really... not that I'm embarassed to cry or anything, but yeah... didn't exactly want to start crying again... thing on her mind? Satan.... yeah, love it... in similar words to Robert's, Satan is out to get me... at least thats what I think...

Its been about a year hasn't it? yeah.. kind of weird...

stupid tears.

Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I end up writing. I don't write much, so I'm generally amazed about 60% of the time, all the time hahaa.... I love reading older entries, July 03 07 was pretty intense. Its almost ridiculous how I can recall things that happened that day. Anyway.. its been long enough since I've updated this.

First off -the new things.
I've been called to serve in the Leeds England Mission -a while ago though-. That was pretty freakin exciting for sure. I had my basic family around with me, and those who couldn't be there, on the phone. It was pretty rad to see them all come just to check this asian out. So yeah, there was a good burst of excitement when they heard Leeds England, and it lasted for quite a bit. I read further along the page, and it took a while to notice that I was speaking Mandarin! I mean, come on.. who would've expected that?!? Thats like me going to Maine, speaking Chinese and driving on the other side of the road and saying things like chap and cheerio, except its a much longer flight. Its a given that I was pretty stoked, and shoot, everyone else was quite excited too I think haha... Its finally happened, and although it took about 4 years later than anticipated, I'm still glad I can get my butt out there and do the good that has been done for me!! So YEAH in YOUR FACE to all you out there who said that I wouldn't go!! HAHAHAHA I win!! Well, sort of, but I assure you I'll win once I get out there August 6th... or something.. mtc date aug 6th... blah.. So yeah, I was quite amazed with some of the reactions. Ken Ashworth told me to call him and let him know where I was going, and so I did. I didn't expect for him to be excited enough for me to tell everyone at work before I had a chance to haha!! He told his sister right away, which is quite funny. But yeah, he's been super nice to me lately... Kinda funny, really unique.

La la la la la, there's been stuff going on, lots of it, I've been quite busy! I got my new lens, which I probably shouldn't have bought, but I've been getting a lot of good use out of it already! EF 17-35mm f/2.8 L!! yeah, the good ol "L" series professional lens :) RED RING!! Wooo, I love seein that on my camera, its like a mark of status or something!! I really really like the perspective it lets me have, on this digital camera body, it's giving me a familiar 28mm view which I was used to on my film camera with my EF 28-235mm IS f/3.5-5.6 (which on the 1.6x Crop factor on the Rebel XTi, is around 45-205mm which is NOT wide at all). Love it love it love it!! Lots and lots of pictures!! Fun fun fun fun fun!!

I'm still a mess though, my room is insane, but what else is new... Its clean for about 3 days, and then I'm just never at my house long enough to start cleaning, so slowly it builds up the little monster in the corner that devours my socks.

Gah, gotta get ready for church!

So its been quite a while since I really updated this thing. I haven't been good at keeping up my LJ either. Its alright though, there isn't much to really say anymore. I can't say that there is much drama to document anymore.

So, to date, Robert and Ashley will be going to AZ for 3 months or so. They've got most of everything set for Robert's bone marrow transplant. They're still quite the goofy ones. My dad actually does have cancer, since December, we didn't know exactly what it was. Its finally defined. Karalee and Todd had their second child, Elijah. He's a stud... a pretty big one haha. He was born with a cleft pallet . He's doing well though. Leelee and Todd went up to SLC and worked out things for him for the moment, Eli'll have to have a surgery when he's one. Elyssa is up at BYU-ID, I guess she's enjoying it. We've been on the phone a lot since then. She's actually coming back soon for a little bit which should shake this kind of slow pace here. Steve and Janelle ahve been doing their thing. I think they see the most of Ash and Robert besides the Ashwroth fam, than anyone else. Their kids are sooo goofy. Byron makes me want to tie him to a pole sometimes, and Taryn is just plane cute, she's finally letting me hold her without freaking out! And as for Brittany.. well, I haven't seen much of her. I wish I did.

Amanda is up in Reno at college with Jake. They're doing alright I believe. They came back this past week and we chilled like no other. It was quite fun!! It was a blast having Amanda around. For some reason, she's the one that kind of pulls all the others together to hang out. She's always filled with boy drama though. Kinda sucks really. Erik needs to get his face broken in. Amanda's found a guy name Marc and he's pretty rad from what I know, and she's diggin his treats hardcore. Jake is doing the same old thing with Alycia, although I think they've somehow progressed and then regressed. I think there are some ongoing bets to see if they're actually going to date date. Personally, I think it'll happen for a bit, but not for too long, unless Jake gets baptized. Alycia is just a goofball. Paula has been around for a while now, its fun having her around just because no one else is, and she's always down to hang out, even if we're doing something lame like driving around. Tosha just recently decided that she thinks I'm cool again. She was quite the odd one though, I took her shopping with Paula and I at the District to check out H&M, and well, she was all over me... quite the unusual thing really... she sure wanted to hold my hand a bit. I felt sort of uncomfortable holding her hand in front of Paula. I hope she doesn't take that seriously. Hmm.... Roomies are weird still... Tony and his band(s) have been fun to see every now and again. I miss Sean Gratrix though, I really should call him up.

Anyway, it was yesterday that marked the official submission of my missionary papers. Kind of crazy really, its been such a long time and I'm finally there... Its amazing... Honestly quite a miracle. There were points in the past 4 years where I thought that as much as I said I was going to go, I wasn't going to go. Those were some depressing, confusing times. Really though, its been in the back of my mind for quite a while and I guess it finally took over when the Spirit prompted Brother Chase and Brother Leavitt to come and visit with me. Sure I've always had a problem with debt, at one point, I was debt free (then the union crap came up). Its still just amazing to see how in the world I've reached this point. Really though, its quite an ego booster. Parts of me just want to shove it in certain people's faces because they really didn't think I was going to go. Beckstead family really... Sean likes to tell me a lot some times... I like that kid a lot, but still can't believe all the junk that happened with Brizzie and him. My mom is another one of those people. She's actually quite happy that I'm finally doing something. I don't exactly know how it'll work with the rest of the family, but it will work out. I'm a little bit scared of all that will be happening in the near future. My material items, well mostly my computer, are going to be out of date and most likely, sold. Penny is looking really good right now, and just got the windshield replaced. On the other hand, my bike runs now.... Thats simply amazing on its own. For some odd reason, I had a prompting to buy a new carb and spend some time installing it on the bike. Who knows, maybe this bike will serve a purpose for me later on.


There are so many things I need to work on before I go. I know that I'll never feel prepared, but I feel like I should try. Other things too though, I mean, I haven't been all that responsible at my own house for the past couple months. My laundry has been out of control lately, and I can't seem to get it all done and put away. I'll get it all done eventually. If I work at these things, everything WILL work out, even the smallest things, and I have faith that it will.

I can't say that I feel different, but I know that I think differently once again. I think it might be another stage that marks my progression and maturity.

Oh, and I still sleep on the same stupid futon. Really I think the best thing about going on a mission at this point, is that I'll have a better bed than what I'm sleeping on.

DESTINY NUMBER : 7
You are searching for the ultimate truth in every endeavour.intellectual and sage may be the likely words to describe you.you are blessed with a razor sharp intellect and are capable of intense concentration for hours together. . You may be tested by circumstances at every step but you are undisturbed till you succeed. you are not keen to share your views with othersunless you are sure others have the capacity to analyse and appreciate your level of thinking
The principal shortcoming with your personality is that you tend to get lonlier because of your intellect and the more you get lonely the more you tend to prefer solitude.in essence gradually you tend to shun contact with other people. If isolation is brought to the extreme, you can become cynical and suspicious. You can develop hidden, selfish motives, which people may sense and may cause them discomfort.
With your abilities to learn, analyze, seek out answer's to life's important questions, you have the potential for enormous growth and success in life. By the time you reach middle age, you will radiate refinement and wisdom.
You have the intellect and potential to make a career which demands an abstract thinker.however it is important not to lose perspective of life and the best way to preserve it is to mix among common people.

Will I understand what I'm saying now, next month? I swear that I'll stay like this for a while, and then change and view the same things differently...

I don't think I know what I talk about half of the time. Not like it matters anyway... I'll just always hope to have the good in me strengthen and prevail.

Mike Wilson and his girl have spent the last two nights here. I don't mind much, I'm just glad that I can help, offer what I can, and hopefully, well.... make a difference.. right? right.

---

Sometimes, people catch on too quickly... and they know it. Am i dumb? Yeah, I think so... But why would I want to explain something like that... its weird enough as it is... and i'm only making it worse...

My mom says that having a mathematical 5 year difference will bring the most luck in your relationships.. 6 being the worst... and 3? also good.... heh, yeah, look at my mom and dad's 3 year difference...

I get frustrated with the abilities that I have. It gets really bad when I know I can do so much better. I learn something and expect to be amazing without practice, or little practice. And even so, I know I'm better than average in most things in a given amount of time. I WILL be good at tennis. Its been 1 day, and my forehand is smokin still. Serves, fun. Backhand? -the obvious problem. Ugh, I know I can do it... it just takes some time to recall it... and MAN, I hate it. But at least I know that I can get back into the game a whole lot faster than most other people after a good what... 5-6 year break? yeah... maybe its just me surprising myself... I think the determination to be fulfill the potential I know I have gets me going, then discovering what more skill I could have keeps me going. I just want to be the best I can be, right... no dissappointments. Ugh. Well, at least I'm at that point in Volleyball, where I was when I left high school... actually, probably a bit better -the whole point.

Thursday is picture taking night!! I'm goin out with Crystal (Krystal) and maybe some other people to go and take some star trails... I'm excited, maybe I can actually have some prints that not everyone will see and take... maybe some presents and such... I wonder if Ashley would like that... Brittany possibly? I know Amanda would want a print... wait.. she'd just want to know how to do it... Karalee would too prolly... eh, I guess everyone wouldn't mind getting one... I just need pictures that don't have people in them ahaha... I'm excited to see what will come of this...

There is gum in the dryer.. thats just mad annoying... dishes in the sink and on the counter... Ugh, its annoying!! These people are freakin 27 and such, and can't seem to clean up after themselves!! Yeah, my room is dirty, but at least I don't go and jack up the rest of the household... Freakin a.... its embarassing to bring people over... I'm not so much embarassed about MY mess in my room... but the rest of the house... ugh.. ugh ugh ugh....

So I may have this full ride out on my mission. I'm really excited, also nervous... I guess my mother is just trying to help me out or possibly support me.. who knows... if there are alternate motives behind this, there would be some serious backlashes... So, yeah, she pays off my debt... I move in with her, quit my job and basically have a change of lifestyle.. no car, or anything is my understanding... and I live like that until I leave for my mish. Not bad... So what about the ward? Well, the stake counselor Brother Chase, said that he could most likely pull my bishop's arm to keep my records there... OH yeah, Brother Chase did pull me out of sunday school to talk to me the whole time... it was rad, he's the man. He's just a loving man.. really... his vibe.. man, just this guy is the bomb.... heh, he told me the story about him and Brother Leavitt visiting my house... they had a list of people to visit. I wasn't on it. They have never spoken to me prior to that meeting.. and well, they had some sort of intervention that pulled them over to my house, spoke to me when all my roommates were not home, and left their message. Pretty amazing. Soonest I could leave is probably 6 months. Gotta make sure tithing is still good, get ordained
an elder, take out my endowments and such... and yeah... the latter two, he said, are going to be a breeze... just get the tithing settled and you're set.... I just got to run the deal by my bishop and see how he feels.... Ashley says its a no brainer... Brother Chase feels that I should look into it more, keep praying and ask how Bishop Snow feels... We'll see on sunday..

its the 4th...
I wish you were here...
I wish anyone was here...
I wish I was there...

temper easily tripped, with explosions as results.
reactions from my actions, exploiting all my faults.
consider this;
this failure to comply,
syntax in error,
a failure to reply.
communications severed.
damaged many chips.
only rebuild or destroy
there is no quick fix.
.jml.

really.. what else could this be about...
what couldn't it be about?
what is this about?

i can make it work for many things.