Ahh, life... whats there more to expect... i can't think of anything that particularly went the way i want it... things in my life just never work out they way i'd think it would... i guess my perfect day would be having everything that i'd expect in that day, happen... reactions, replys, events... who knows.... simple things such as going to work and not having traffic... or coming home and finding people to hang out with... just things like that....

I can't tell me how i've been... i can't tell if i've been good or what not... if i've been stressed... jealous, tired, lazy, estatic, lame, spontaneous... can't figure it out... i think its the many ups and downs that i've been told that i have..... whatever though, people still think that they know who i am, better than i think i do... i'm really kind of sick of just thinking... just everything... things are bothering me that i didn't know would bother me... my pseudo room is bothering me... i keep collecting trash and worthless junk on my monitor and the dresser that my monitor is on... little notes, md's, candles, tax papers, game boy games, pictures, cds... i don't know... i think i'm sick of looking at it all... some things like that just make me depressed... i don't know, i'm just kinda dumb when it comes to stuff like that, small notes that i hang on to... not much meaning behind them, although i still continue to hang on to them... and i was just going through pictures... like old pictures.. i have the negatives to them all... i thought about them... what i felt at that time, what i feel about it now... how much fun or not fun that was... just memories in general.. i don't like to live in the past much.. apprarently i do, but what can i really do about it... theres not much in my present that i'm too happy about... except maybe my mission...

Together but independant... i've realized that i've been really indirectly dependant on other people... i really want to relieve myself from it... i think thats part of the reason why i'm half depressed... besides that i'm always sly-ly being sold out on... i'm really sick of that... and i hate talking about it... i think its pointless, not worth talking about.. its one of those things that just happens and you get over it... and well, it doesn't change, it just happens over and over... and i get over and over it again, so whatever though... anyway, maybe i should just get away... i always call... why? i don't know... i think its for attention... satisfies something... whatever, if they want to hang out, let them call. for now, i think i'm done

Different things have been interesting me more and more... its kinda fun... i like it... but at the same time, the same things have been growing on me more and more as well... audio systems, cars, computers, pictures... i've found some things that i used to totally get kicks out of.. and well, i've been doing it, and i've been enjoying myself like that... volleyball, pictures, cleaning, watching tv.. making mix cds for me, not looking for anything in particular, not actually searching for junk to do, taking things as they come, being spontaneous, although plans that actually kinda happen are fun too... but whatever if they happen, they happen...

Today as like every day in the past 2 weeks, i've been reminded that i am who i am because of my decisions in one way or another, my past, my actions, my consequences of those actions, what i like, what i dislike, what i wear... i am who i am because of who i am... I like what i like, i don't care if i get it from someone else, i don't care if someone else doesn't like it, i really don't care... no, i don't want to be any certain someone besides myself... i'm not going to be a karalee clone like sj or whatever... no tony clone, just me.... whatever.... done and done..

No substance... i'm not all there... puzzles, just puzzles, 2 piece puzzle and i can't find the last piece.. time... thats all i have... nothing more than just time...

I put in an alpine deck... i didn't get the best model... heh, i wish i was made of riches sometimes, but i'm content with what i have... i dont' regret buying this either... music is a big part of my life... the music itself gets me out of zoning, spacing out, or whatever... most of the time i really don't care about the lyrics... sometimes i dont' care what they're saying in the song, or what they're trying to prove, or tell... but every now and then i find something worth listening to that has both meaning and melody... now, i just gotta get my car tuned the way i want it... and then i'll be set... set for a while....

Work has been work, the past weeks or so have been well... work... hot, but not much that i can't handle... theres not that much drama there... its way excellent, and i'm pretty much loving what i'm doing... well, i don't mind, but whatever... it makes me sad to see some of my friends doing their job for a long time and hating it at times... they just get so stressed out that it doesn't make anything fun... jeremy's not really having a good time, just drama with that... karalee, blah, whatever, i don't even know, i wish i'd care to ask, but it wouldn't come out anyway... ashley, whatever, scott... he's back into construction, he looks like he's toning up now... i don't know, theres times that i wish i still worked at in n out a lot... i'd be in the circle, the group, i'd have things to talk about when i hang out with people (freakin everyone is from in n out, thats all they talk about...) but, 1 day is enough, i get a summary from everyone... most of the time at least... i guess you can meet some cool guys at work... whatever once again..


I really want to to drive down to cali for a little... i think it'd be fun, lots of pictures, scenes.. asians... i'd see my cousin or somehing... i don't know, i think it'd be fun though... i'd like to see the ocean... i think that'd be fun too...

Too much time to think... especially alone... its just not good... and this journal just isn't good enough to hold it all either...

Painstaking

Dissimulate

Facetious

Fun

Timeless

Worthwhile

Memories

?[Thought]?
I can't hold on, I gotta let go
I can't let go, It means too much

Alright, so i went down on a spur of the moment to laughlin... went to go visit ashley and karalee and see the new store... well i guess it went well, we were safe in arriving and departing there if anyone cares... my car is still in 1 piece, i guess its a slow strong motor... anyway, it was enjoyable i guess.... at more times than others of course, mostly when bill would shut up... or jeremy would shut up about every line on tv..... or when bill would stop talking about staying the night... it was just way annoying and got to my freakin nerves... like yea, where are we going to stay bill?? Good job... with karalee and ashley you say?? Have you asked?? why are you telling me to callin into work and spend the night here when we both don't really have money and we don't exactly have a place to stay or a really really good reason to stay... its not like its all that fun out there anyway... the place is small, not all that intense... and its like i can only handle so much of one person... its seriously like dang it bill, i really want to tell you off, but i'm too freakin nice and i like to bag it up and put it into a take out box and save it for later.... ugh... I don't know though, I thought it was cool goin out there and all... i dropped off the oc and tv and vcr over there hoping to have them watch it and maybe bring it back... but whatever, it was alright... i dropped it off alright... spent some more time just driving around, wasting gas... struggling to stay sane with bill.... i played a lttle bit of DDR at an arcade out there... that calmed me down for a while until ashley was off from work.... i really didn't know why i actually came down there and dropped off the oc and tv and what not... i thought i was being cool or something... but whatever, pretty much just kinda turned out to be an excuse to see ashley and karalee... I was thining that i could get more out of this by maybe goin out and takin pictures of stuff out there.. but really there wasn't much to take pictures of (at night at least).... i didn't really care about INO store whatever number and didn't care much for the mini strip, or the 6 mile drive to del taco... whatever, i'm having one of those mind things where you're thinking but not thinking clearly and am not probably making any sense... The chillin was cool and stuff... then we went to get del taco and i pretty much snapped... it was kinda pointless for me to be out there at that point... it was like whatever, i'll chill and hang out with these guys and stuff.. and that drive turned out to be bill and i, and everyone else in another car... and while i'm with bill, he's just talkin to me about how we should spend the night and how i should call into work and junk... he just frustrated the heck out of me... it was like, hey man, you got no plans... freakin you want us to spend the night out here... where we gonna stay? Hotel? with ashley and karalee?? do you have money (no)?? did you ask ashley and karalee (no)?? and why the heck do you keep asking me.... you say its up to me because i'm driving... i asked if you if you wanted to drive as well... Hey man, you can freakin sleep there if you want, but you sort it out with karalee and ashley and more power to you... But ugh.. its like, shut up, i don't want any guilt trip when i want to go home dang it... ugh, then after that, everything just aggravated me... i didn't want to be touched, i just pretty much wanted to close my eyes and pass out... but well, i closed 1 eye and watched tv with the other while listening to conversations that i couldn't really participate in, so yea, that just kept me silent, on the floor and feeling like BAH. Whatever, i'm getting carried away... it really shouldn't matter to me this much... you know what? it doesn't matter to me this much.... if i'm stupid and reacting like a moron, then tell me... then i'll add it to how much i don't really care... thats it... i'm going to sleep.