You know... I've been spending more time with Ashley.. more quality time.. Best friends mean... well, best friends mean... almost everything to me. She's just been so nice to have around, fun to be with and sort of uplifting. She doesn't have to say a word, she can just look at me, and she can make me smile.. Too bad not everyone could do this for me... Anyway, Jen... What do to about Jen.. I really could do this.. I can.. As much as I want to, I keep thinking of reasons why I don't want to.. primarily Ashley, I don't want to lose any minute that I could be spending with her... I'm kind of afraid that our friendship would change, for the worse.. considering that it has evolved and has got better... I like Jen, she's a different breed I think... no, probably not exactly a different breed, but she's young and carefree.. she has burdens, I know she does, but she doesn't show them as much.. Her family, stuff like that... I think she's just good at hiding it. She's a little immature, well, she's 16, and not turnin 17... and well, I have to say that I'd have my work cut out for me... I'm 20, she's 16, as much as I don't care about the age difference, I'm still kind of skeptical because of the level of maturity. I don't really feel like babysitting, but I do want to have fun and have someone pretty much challenge and bring me out of my shell... She definitely embarasses me already... I dunno if thats good or not, but I used to not care.. Now I've been more cautious about it, even with Ashley and Karalee.. and a little before that.. I used to not care, or show that things didn't bother me when I got embarrased.. now its just bam, there I am, embarassed and speechless... Embarrassed... why is that.. Joe? No, it doesn't bother me too much that she's joe's bro... Maybe I'm scared.. yah, I know I'm scared.. scared of a lot of things... losing ashley, but well, i never had her, but losing what i've got with her, scared of being around someone new, meeting new parents, people, and situations.. scared of someone maybe making feel just as good as ashley does... scared of rejection.. scared of her mom mostly... sort of scared of me, I don't know who I am when it comes to these situations... Whenever I met someone I liked, I get extremely nervous.. ashley being a prime example.. I ramble a lot, talk about things that they dont' care about, actually, things I wouldn't normally care about... and well, with Jen, its like I've changed... I know that I used to be like that before, but could it be that this is the new way I deal with this?? I've learned a lot from being around Ashley and Karalee... got used to a lot of things that I defintely would have a problem with... tampons.. and underwear mostly... I dont' know... I'm just different around Jen, I'm actually more chill like I'm hanging out with Ashley.. kinda around there... I think its good that she talks... I know I still get shy around new people.. and I've caught myself being quiet quite a few times at her house.. She talks, I listen, thats great.. she's way more outgoing than I am.. and well, I think that'd be fun.. She wasn't afraid to ride with me on my bike... even though it was her first time.. She just said, lets go, and we went... The downsides of course, is that she goes to High School... can I really trust that... I dont' really feel like putting up with the high school drama, all that cheating crap and gossip... heh, but it would be fun to pick her up from school... hahaha, roll up on a bike.. oh that'd be tight... nah, it'd be cool, not that tight... heh, sometimes I get carried away with my bike, I think it gives me status sometimes... smart me.. you know... I work in the days, she works at night.. I don't know exactly how this is going to work... but I can make it work somehow... i got cake.. i want to eat it, but i'm gonna save it.. anyway, uh jen.. thats right.. she's funny, she's not too involed with the church... Hopefully I can change that and maybe take her with me to my ward.. I told her that I'd be kinda different, and that she'd have to stay away from skirts, heh, she said she'll wear shorts underneath... I said fine... Maybe that'll work out well... At church today, testimony meeting of course... a guy got up there, he's graduating from the uni ward.. he said something about his wife, and told everyone something about dating people you would hope to have a future with.. Dating people you could see yourself marrying... Huston poked me and kept tapping my foot.. he also said something about getting out there and actually dating, finding out what you like.. he poked me again... I don't know if its people telling me to do it or not.. i'm feeling some sort of pressure sometimes... Sean dated a 16 year old.. he's like 24 though.. and i gave him crap for that... he's kinda giving me crap for this now.. and cory doesn't like it.. then lee does, but well.. yea, we know about him... tony and jen are kinda tellin me to stay clear and be careful if i do, ashley says do what i feel like, trust my instincts, and well... i guess, theres no harm in going for it... I don't know if we make a good couple... I haven't heard anything about that... so heh, that'd be interesting to find out... Life might change a bit for me if i do... we'll see how things will really turn out... and I hope that ashley and i are still going to be tight.

Heh.. I hope I'm not wasting Ashley's time either.

Carefree... not so much anymore. I don't know what's come over me. I feel like crying and I think I'll let it come. Things are just so... dissappointing. Its more that I dissappoint myself. I don't know how to exactly explain it. Nothing ever makes sense to me, especially when I actually try to pinpoint whats going on. This sounds like something I've written before. Thats dissappointing. Kind of sad that if I did, I'm going through it again. I'm told when I need to cry, let myself cry. Well I'm doing it, and its crappy and not making me feel any better, a little wet, kinda puffy, and a little blind, but thats it. Things were good.. they really were... didn't matter with what I cared so much about, or what I cared so little about. Just things were good... I was in a bad situation, but I still saw the good and fun out of it, the randomness, the spontaneity... what is it that I'm missing now? I don't understand. I've pulled my life somewhat back together, and I still don't feel like I've accomplished something, anything... My family... something still not right with them... I'm not close, I'm the oddball, the outcast... just not close enough.. My friendship with Ashley seems to not be real anymore... I just don't feel right about our friendship anymore... its becoming a lot harder to talk to her... Maybe I was right before, I shouldn't be friends with her... I don't know what to do to fix whatever i've done, or undone. Slowly, I start to care less and less... should I care... do I want to care.. or is it a need to care... I was alright when I didn't meet ash.. I was alright when I did meet ash, but didn't see her ever, i just knew of her... I should start following the rules of an assassin.. rule number one... don't get too close. Now that I have, its been so long, and it just hurts, I don't understand why I enjoy it though... I think that I need to stay away for a while... its already started, and it hasn't been truely devestating... I think about her, but I don't think the same way about her anymore... she's proven herself to be different. My thoughts, so scrambled, it doesn't seem to make conscious sense, but its perfect to me. Shut out. Shut in. No difference. Same situation. My life. Someone elses. No minds. No matter. I think that it might be time for me to move. Change scenery, change environment, change people, change me. Move on perhaps. I don't fit in. Never have. What does it take. I understand why people like me, or don't like me. They see what they like, pick it out, and thats all that they expect to see from then on. Am I that? Just that? Yes. Truely, I am something different, with no real attraction, no real ties down, and no real realationships. I've done this to myself haven't I. Or have I. Caring if I did or didn't makes no product. Whats the point of telling someone exactly how you feel or telling anyone for that fact. The faster I realize that I'm more alone than I ever wanted to be, the faster I'll learn to live with it. Alone, but not alone. With what I have, who I have, I can call this alone. I have no one person to tell anything, everything, exactly how I want to. Embarassment, rejection, stupidity, hopelessness, and pointlessness are some reasons of why. I guess it makes it easier for me to meet people. Do I seem more outgoing? or is it the shyness thats clouding what you see. I meet people. They ask about me, whats wrong, yet they know nothing about me. Its easy to talk about things that no one knows about to other people. They dont' know who I'm talking about, whats going on, what the situation is, if I would make whatever I'm saying up, or if I'm not. All they see is some compassionate depressed state of someone who can't seem to explain everything to one person. Reason for me meeting so many people all with the same projections of me... The hyper-ness, the erratic-ness, the random-ness, were all prescribed as ways that I deal with people, a defense mechanism. I guess thats the easiest way to hide me. The shy me. So thats what the see of me, thats what they learn to like, thats what they think is either or not... eventually, they figure out that I'm not always like that, I'm calm, I think, I tire, I listen, I analyze, I speak, and I care. Funny how certain people only get half, one half or the other. Example.. Kariann doesn't know that I'm crazy, insane, hyperactive, ramble about things when I'm nervous... She just knows that whatever thoughts she gives me, she recieves a different view of it, a different perspective. A deepness that normally isn't there.. She doesn't know much about me, I don't know jack about her. Thats our relationship. Healthy? I guess so. I've never really hung out with her, haven't had a desire, but we talk. Interesting to say the least. Others. Jen, sees me crazy, always moving at work, laughing, saying stupid things and such. All of part of me that isn't comfortable.. outside of work, she'd probably see this slightly random kid, who thinks a lot, isn't all that fun, funny, attractive or anything else, and she'll lose interest... she doesn't know much about me, I don't care to share, she doesn't care to learn, the point of this? Pretty much to waste my time and move my mind. She tells me things that I don't know about. Tells me things about the guys that she's met, or talking to, or who's asking her on a date. I know nothing of these people, I don't care to ask. I just know that whatever she tells me, she says for some unknown reason. But she keeps talking. I listen I guess, and I guess thats the other part of me. I listen. Thats it right. I don't have to know whats going on. I don't dig deeper, unless they want me to. Whats the point. They'll tell me what they want to tell me, and thats it. I'm just there to listen and maybe give a little feedback. Never been good at it, althought people have said I have. I've learned that I suck. Why am I considered a good friend. Best friend even. If that. I give attention when needed. Thats it. How do I consider someone to be a best friend? I just call them that. I have 3. Whats the point of that. I don't truly even have a one the way I'm thinking now... of course they'll be there, and when they want, they'll listen, and I'll maybe catch them at the right time. I never really had best friends in Chicago, they were just friends that I hung out with the most, because they were the easiest people to concact. Mitchell, lived right behind me... Jen, well, we just talked a bunch on the phone, and hung out at school, and pretty much kept me in check with all the drama... i called them best friends, interesting... Never did I ever show to tell anyone about any expression of feelings of any sort to them... how I felt about a girl, how much I was jealous, what pissed me off... I only remember once when I opened up to my brothers after school... I'm 20 years old and I have almost no connection with my brothers for 8 years now. They know the little michael that they grew up with. They don't know how I've matured, how immature I am, what colors I like, what my favorite car is, what my favorite anything is, what I look like, or anything really. I think thats totally wrong. I've missed the whole childhood of my niece, well the cute years.. She knows of me, I don't know much of her. Its sad as that. Ashley said I have Byron. What does that mean... Sure, I love Byron, I think the kid is great, I'm not related to the kid whatsoever... I saw his childhood, still seeing it I guess... I don't know where thats leading me.. it was almost pointless to say that anyway. The more I let my mind run, the more capable I seem to do other things correctly.. If I just use my reactions and instincts, they're normally right and lead me to choose what I need. Theres this game, on the left side is simple math equations, on the right, simple swatchs of colors. The left side excersises simple basic math, on the right side, addition of colors... the more I think about the problems, the more I get wrong, the more I space out, the more I get right... weird.. Same at work.. I'm on board.. I've been on board for the past 3 days.. the times where I fall behind is when I think too much about the burgers and what needs to go on them... Its like I'm thinking too much. Something so simple, and I'm thinking too much. What is that about. Too many mind... heh, last samurai... Its still so weird how my life can change so much in a year, or 2 years... what I was alright with, I'm not alright with, what I could live without, I can't live without. Its almost sad, but theres nothing I can do about it. I'm getting used to being "anti-social" as I was saying earlier to Jen actually... then nicki asked me later on, without her knowing about the prior mentioning, why was I being anti-social? I didn't know, and I didn't really care... None of the people really know me, and it sure doesn't seem that they want to know me anyway... Tony is the closest roommate that I have... I'm pretty sure I'm closing myself in. No wait. I was always shut in.. I'm just realizing it more. The quicker I am alright with me, the better. I'm just aggravated... perhaps still jealous.. Ashley kimball... still stuck on that... maybe theres something still really going on with that... I don't feel right about those two... something is still up with that... why do I care. Its not my place once again. Work has been keeping me busy, I haven't been able to really get off and spend a nice afternoon sulking in my own depression. I've been working, which I think is good, and I pretty much don't care about it so much, I don't care about the people so much anymore, I don't care about how long I work, I don't have anything to look forward to afterwards anymore, or at least I shouldn't. I used to look forward to hanging out with Ashley or Karalee, but whats the point of that.. they have their own things to figure out, and they still don't need me
intervening. I think thats part of why I feel that our friendships are fading so much... we're figuring out what really is going on, and realizing that maybe, just maybe, we don't care for each other as much as we did.. Elyssa is funny, she posts as a comment...

Dear James Michael Lui,

This is just a friendly reminder from your local Awesome&Ridiculously More Awesome office that the time has come again for your biweekly checkup. Please proceed to the nearest Squires residence to refill your Elyssa quota and reestablish yourself on our Preferred Customers list. Spots on this list in high demand; so act soon!

Best Regards,
Elyssa Jean
Head President and Dictator of
Awesome&Ridiculously More Awesome Office.

Too bad she wrote Lui... Heh, Liu... I look at that last name and I think there should be some kind of stature with it.. like there is, but I'm not fulfilling it. Liu... its weird seeing it.. maybe just being put down so much in my childhood has affected me more than I have ever thought in my life. Liu. Thats my last name..

Happiness... Eternal Bliss.