While being under such minor and major turmoil, I realize how much more people are willing to help. Its the kindness of others that I don't really think of every day. Its just really cool that people are helping me out... Its just so nice. Brandon is freaking amazing, I sorta helped him get a laptop. He picked me up from work and we talked about the laptop that he bought and other options he could choose in his price range, he did good. He took me to the east side and we talked all the way there. Man, I love that guy, freakin cool cat. We were talking about a whole lotta stuff; my mission and what not. We talked briefly about what I was going to do with my stuff, and I pretty much said, I'm going to sell it or give it away or something.. Then I said that I'm a little scared about coming back.. And we talked a bunch about having faith and adjusting to different promptings that you get in life, and he gave a whole lot of examples. I loved how he uses his experiences and freely uses his testimony to help me understand further about things I doubt. I don't exactly have a rolemodel that I hang out with that guides me in that sense... The Rms that live here and the ones I know don't exactly have their life on track and know what they're doing... Brandon mentioned that he's not perfect, that what he's telling me is stuff that he should also be doing, and it just helps me realize that its all possible.. What you have though faith is almost endless; achievable through your own dicipline. Trust in Him and have faith that you're in good hands, that you'll be provided secularly as well as spiritually, and he will help you with as much faith as you put in. I can't have any doubts. I don't have any doubts. These troubles that I face right now aren't just every day troubles, if I'm so close, why do these things have to impact me so much?? Its because I am so close that these are impacting me so much. I may be delayed for a purpose unknown, maybe for a specific person, or a different area to open up, or even to be an AP, no matter what the reason is, I'll be there for what I'm supposed to be there for, no matter when, or where, but I will be there in God's Time.

Prayer is such a powerful commandment. It makes me feel so good, peaceful and so calm inside. We went over a whole lot about prayer today, about having faith in your prayer, asking for "right" things, and being able to be open to different promptings that may occur, and prayers being answered. Prayers being answered part was way interesting to me, of course not everyone has a "burning" a combustion inside that just tells you that you're on fire and somethign hurts and that maybe the answer is no, or perhaps yes. It was interesting, the views on everything were quite broad. The topics of what kind of answers we should be looking for were quite the subject. Yes or no questions, maybe a name, or a place, or a time, or something. But the quorum president said to ask yes or no questions. Other people made comments about that, and it was appropriate. It all amounted to the same answer, don't be dumb when you're praying. Fully give yourself to Him and have faith. Minds can be tricky, you might have asked about something, maybe a job, or a girl, or school, and he might have answered it already. Nothing is worse than praying and asking about a question over and over after having an answer given to you and you not being aware about it. It might have not been the answer that you've hoped for. But our minds can make it so that we recieve an answer, and make it seem like we didn't recieve it at all.. Sometimes it seems like we don't get answers at all, thats what I think sometimes. But theres also different ways of thinking about it. Maybe I'm supposed to not get an answer, maybe its not the right time for it, maybe its a no, then later its a yes depending on the time. I have to remember that we operate on God's time. His time. His watch. So everything will happen when its supposed to. Now having no answer at all was just way wierd for me. A member said that yeah, what if you don't get an answer, the president said you probably could have, or it hasn't come yet. I don't know so much about everything, and everyone's view is a little different due to the mind's varience. It said that we should ask once. well the board said that, I don't know so much about everything, but it said that. Now another member said that one of the seventy said to ask, pray and keep praying. That was familiar to me so it worked for me. Alright, so the board said to ask once, the guy from the seventy said to keep asking and praying, if you got no answer. Joseph Smith kept praying about which church was true, I believe that I was told that he didn't just ask once and the answer was shone on to him. I heard that he went to the grove and kept praying about which church was true. So he kept praying. So yeah, that makes me think a little. So what if I did get the answer...Great, so I got the answer, and its a no, so I keep asking? A member answered "maybe its a no at that time, it could be very well a yes later in that time but you weren't ready for it". Yeah, I can see that option. But then, Heavenly Father doesn't change his mind I don't think. I could see that if we're not ready for the answer he wouldn't give it to us, but to answer it and then change the answer later? Possibly I suppose. I don't quite understand fully, but I can see different ways of thinking about this. So yeah, suppose he didn't answer our question, do we assume its a no? or do we keep on praying about it? I'm confusing myself right now.

Last night was kinda fun, I tried getting a group to play capture the flag, and it didn't turn out too bad... Heather, Ashley Alford, Me, Lee, Russell, Steven, Mark, Ariel, Jeff, Johnny I and this other kid all went out to mission hills park. It was funny, this was the first group thing that I've got together in a while.. It didn't last too long cuz a lotta people smoked and got tired.. but we did finish 2 games, we one one, and they one one.. It was fun though.. we all went to Sonic afterwards and got grub and drinks.. and well, it was good stuff... Johnny I is such a douche bag... man, the whole time he was all smokin and hitting on Ashley and Heather... and they weren't really subtle remarks either... freak.. I wonder how Ash brings out things in guys that I and others can't see for the life of me... anyway afterwards, Heather and Ashley came over and we just chilled and talked on my bed for an hour or so, then Alford took off.. Heather and I have been hangin out a bit lately and its been fun... I miss Annie a lot though. It really is kinda crappy... I sat in my bed for a good couple hours just staring up at my ceiling listening to music, and all I had running through my head was "I hope Ashley is doing better than I am." So today, I didn't really do anything, I'm still not doing anything, I'm not really wanting to do anything, and I'm bored because of it.. I tried calling Kimball today, I'm almost relieved that he didn't pick up, but Sean is pretty much right about some things though.. As much as I think he's a total moron, we have known each other for a long time and I have put up with a lot of his dumb crap... stupid double dates, dumb incidents with police, cow streaking and such... and a lot of bike crap... I guess I should at least mend things up a little... but then again, whats really the point... He's not so much bothering me, its more Kimball and I bothering Sean, thats bothering me... I'm going to family home evening right now at the Foothills ward... Lee's goin for the girls.. I already got mine.

When you're sad and depressed, theres nothing better than doing something crazy that you might regret in the near future... I was asked if there was one mistake in my past I could change would I? First instinct about the question was to say no, thinking thats who I am. Accepting who I am for what I've done. The answer that came out was a distinct yes. By saying yes, I'm not denying or even regretting anything I've done, I know that I learn though my mistakes and without them, I wouldn't have been in situations where I could learn from them. I explained that I answered yes because somethings I'd rather learn when I could actually understand. I'd rather make the mistake, and actually know what it was that I was learning from it. Simply making the mistake doesn't always say that you learn from it, so if I could, I would rather have made that mistake later in life.

Life's all in the moment, stored in snapshots and revived in videos. Freeing the failure in me is essential to progress, staring past the defects and to the warm glow that is what I am.

So its like 2am and I'm up eating Breyers Strawberry ice cream... The last memorable time I had this was at Karalee's appartment in anthem... i forgot how good this crap was. Hmm... Kinda crazy today.. Went to breakfast with them, last night I didn't think I was going to go, but I ended up picking up my phone this morning and heading out there. It was alright, Jinny went too.. I was in this half phased out mood. It was almost dreamy, I didn't really think it was happening.. Its weird.. I'm really glad that I went this morning, last night's goodbyes wouldn't have sufficed. Well, so she packed up and moved.. She sure fit a lot of clothes into a box... Tyler is so funny, I really like that guy. He's a cool cat. Mandy was kinda weird this visit, I don't think it was personal, I'm pretty sure it was just me though. Well, she left, and I hung around for a while.. Talked with mom for a bit. Its cool talking with her, kinda weird too, sometimes I can tell that she's gettin stressed out about something and its like, I dunno what to do... she doesn't seem to get stressed out with me though, just with the computer mostly.. stupid internet.. driving me insane today... We talked about a whole lot, it was cool, just plans in the future, whey they plan on doing, whats going on with ash's car, how she felt about ashley moving, stuff like that. Elyssa pissed her off today.. I thought that was funny. She would've pissed me off too if I were her dad.. geez.. Brittany is funny, I like hangin out with her, she's just really kinda funny in her own way, quiet, but has her own opinions brewing.. We went out to get starbucks today, it was fun.. tried helping her with her setting, I'm pretty sure I am the worst teacher ever, I was changing like everything she learned at school.. which she kinda needs to, they don't exactly teach everything right at school.. but yeah, I think I pretty much just confused her... Janelle and Steve's place is coming together quite nicely, I didn't do much there, pretty much just wiped glue up and put this plastic O ring thing back on a tube... It was important, and I did it, so I did my part.. I guess I was there for a reason.. The floor looks way good though.. Todd and I will probably hang out more now, Ashley's gone, and Karalee's at school, so pretty much theres a lot of time to be filled in. This week, we'll probably be at Janelle's laying the floor down.. Oh, my dad called today too, pretty random, but he invited me to a company picnic at the Green valley rec center.. I guess theres a bbq goin on.. I thought that was really cool of him. I haven't got a phone call from him since I got in the quad wreck. He can be really cool sometimes, I guess all parents are like that though.. alright, so pretty much I finished my icecream, like, its all gone... and I am not a girl, and I don't think I'm that depressed... so thats freakin whack, but it was waaay good... I love ice cream.. mmm.. I had sandwich masters for the first time today.. Wow, they sure pile on the meat.. It was a dang good sandwich, like, whoa that was great! I miss her already... I guess she said Hi when she called her house to tell them they were home.. That made me smile... I got distracted when we were playing volleyball when she said that, kinda got messed up... anyway, I'm gettin tired..

Ashley's birthday's end. It rained, a lot, with lightning... In some ways, it fits the day. She's leaving, rain is somewhat depressing. It was cold and painful riding in the rain, what I've kinda been feeling from Ash. She loves rain, and lightning, and so do I, when I'm not riding in it... Theres nothing that I can say to myself to make myself feel any better than an unsophisticated retrospective abjection. She looks good, almost ready to leave. Well, saying bye was careless.

Well, I'm leaving

Um, ok, see you in a couple weeks I guess... at least I fixed the computer while I was there... I guess I'm still good for something... I wish Best Buy would call me, but I sort of doubt it though. Ugh, I wish she's be less irratible and more approachable... Its like anything I say I get the same "What!?" I guess I can get on people's nerves fast as well though. I've seen it happen.. Whatever, if she cares or if she doesn't care, I'll miss her anyway.

I've been wandering in my mind again. Next paycheck all my dental work is going to be done. I made an appointment with the bishop on wed. Church was alright. It was church... I sit amongst 100 other people and listen to talks attentively for the most part. I was studying people's gestures, body language, shutters in voice, hand movements, eye contact, pronunciation, speed and projection of their voices, what they start off with, what they end with, how they put things in order, if in any order at all and of course what they're talking about. Its interesting, I've noticed it but never announced it, but a speaker did. The way the prophet, speaks. He comes up and doesn't introduce himself, tell things about himself, or throws out exactly what he speaks of, what topic he has in mind. None of this

I've been told to speak about ______

But of course he has an introduction by some unknown person sitting in a booth or something, possibly with a mask on to further protect his identity. The speaker said that since he doesn't have a person to introduce him, he'll do it himself.. I got some scriptures today. It made me sort of sad. This girl that gave her set to me doesn't go to church anymore, doesn't believe anymore, and I can't really understand why someone would let go so easily of what is so important and meaningful. It seriously makes me cry. Her scriptures are all marked up with side notes, colored in with scripture markers and has cards and diagrams from young womens placed in places throughout the entirety of the books. Questions I had for her I couldn't say, and all I wanted to really ask is, why? The most simple and most complex question one could ask of anyone. It made me depressed. I don't understand, I haven't even marked half as much as she has in her scriptures. Its like she took it seriously and then just gave up.

My laundry is finally almost done, theres still a lot on my bed, and a load in the wash, but I'm almost done, I don't feel like sleeping right now either, so I'll probably finish this all up. My room is somewhat dirty, and soemwhat clean, its not bothering me as much as I thought it would. But the house smells of cigs and is kinda disturbing..

I just want to... i don't know what I want... I think I just want to be more responsible and organized.. Chances of this.. almost none at this moment.. I can't keep my head on straight...

Brittany is so great... seriously a little sis to me...

For the first time in a while, I didn't wake up thinking Ashley is leaving. It was more like, OH crap am I late for church!? I, well, don't really feel anything about her leaving right now, I don't care, but I do of course. Its not like its going to be a life changing event for me or anything, I'm not moving today. But it'll still be different knowing that I can't call her and just be like, hey, whatcha doin, lets do something.... not like its been like that in the past month or anything. I'm pretty much used to the whole talking on the phone thing and not seeing her for a while type thing. It all works out, this isn't going to kill me, I'm just going to have to open up and talk to people more... I still got 2 best friends in town, and Mikey is still around. Haha, he hasn't seen Todd yet I don't think, he askes how's that guy doin all the time, he makes me laugh.. He's really popular with his girlfriend and dad.. I don't think we went 4 minutes without a text message or a phone call from them. Heh, I used to be like that, but I didn't have a girlfriend... Hahha Karalee, Matt Moses thought we dated, it made me laugh a lot. He looked at the collage that Ash made and said, who's that girl, I know her.. and I was like, thats Karalee, I met you at her apartment with Emily and Freak Got Hit With A Bass In the Head Lady. He's like oohh.. I remember now, weren't you guys dating? I laughed hard... oh it made my day... AHh I gotta go to church soon.. peace outty

Yeah, so I didn't do much today, except for a lot of singing and playing guitar. I don't know much still, but I'm learning, always learning..

I'm still strong, you won't break me down.

Well, I can't say that I've been extremely well. I'm having hard times with controling my emotions. Thoughts just come and go and set my mood, and the thoughts just appear like the flashing brake lights of scared elderly drivers. Saying that Ashley hasn't been on my mind would almost be a lie. Everything should be fine, but I feel so blank. I got to explain to Ashley what the deal was up, after a whole debate with myself about whether to talk about it, or let her do her own thing. Well, I guess everything is alright on her side, she's got her Death Cab.. which I have to say is really really really really awsome if not uberly great and fanatically fantastic. I love seeing her smile, it was great... I guess everything is fine on her side. I can say that Karalee did help, so thank you. I really pissed her off though. I didn't think she could and even would write in her lj like that, well, now that I understand what it means, it really hurt.. and just to think that it was after a partial misunderstanding, and her being sick of me. Yeah, it didn't matter, she was right about that. I shouldn't have asked. Ignorance would've been bliss. Now, I just need to take some time and let it go. She doesn't want to hang out with me like this. Oh wait, she doesn't really want to hang out with me much. At least I made her smile. Sex on a cd.

I'm getting sick of work for the 43rd time. I have opportunites at SkyMania, and I'm also considering working for Geek Squad. I'll probably put in my application Monday. I'm also confused about it though. I'll be leaving pretty soon, and well, I don't know if its even worth it to get a new job. Its really not worth it working at the freakin burger hole.

I slept after work. I woke up to my brother calling me for dinner. Good idea, really, it was.. We went and had sushi. But it wasn't that cool. Nothings ever as cool as you'd think it'd be. Its dissappointing. Let downs... it made me want to cry... I guess I'm too passionate. It doesn't matter much to him, but the small things really mattered much this time... He never says bye on the phone, for reasons, I might know, but don't understand fully... I got a hand shake when I saw him. Its like the business world gain control of him. Everything is a business, his kid is a business that needs to be maintained, his work, his family the same way. I'm having a hard time grasping the whole idea behind it. I do get a lot of critism from my family. Being the first to stray away from the line that points me in their directional flow, makes everything real difficult of course, and puts me in different situations as well as them.. I'm older now, he's got a point with that, I don't know where he's goes with it, but 10 bucks says that I think differently... Overall, the food was good, but Ian, wasn't brother Ian, it was more. Mr. Respectable Title Preceeding Ian Liu, here to represent a respectable drug dealer of high popularity.

Tonight was awesome though.. After that, I got home and people were over, lots of people, it was so much fun, but not active do-things-that-make-you-sweat-and-other-things-that-cause-bo fun. List of people begins now: Scott and Mindy, Ashton too, Jen and Tony, Kyle and Sheena, Andy and his wife something with a K, Dave and Elli, Russel, Lee, Bobby Thompson and his girlfriend, Matt Moses and one of Dave's friends, and Jerod and Abby. They played music for a long time, and it was great, they took turns on instruments and it was just really really cool. Matt Moses is freaking amazing, his voice is great and the lyrics, melody and all are just great!! Seeing the different styles between Tony and Andy was indescribable, they played to the same song at different times. Scott is way good too. The best thing was just the improvisation. Matt knew the song, Tony on drums didn't, Kyle didn't, and Jerod didn't. But when Matt started off, he played solo. 20 seconds later Tony jumped in with a complementing rhythm. Kyle watched for a little bit, then picked up the bass line quickly and starting running lines up and down. Jerod just jumped in to wandering licks that harmonized with Matt's playing. And this would happen all the time with the different people who wrote songs.. Scott, Matt, Dave, and Jerod all write songs and what not.. they sound amazing. The whole Panda Blaster was assembled at the house tonight and played some of their songs. They were really good, it was pretty much being at a live show at your house with the comforting environment and the soothing laughter of friends. Tony and I will be working on a song, he wants me to write for him. Hes going to take my last emotional outbreak and turn it around. It'll be a task, especially since he's coming up with the guitar, and i'm going to come up with other what not, drums maybe or even another guitar. Either way I'm excited. But writing lyrics.. I'm not so sure about. I'll figure it out, I can set my mind free... sometimes... Some experiences I wish I could've shared.

So I bleed and don't freakin stop. Its getting worse now. After work, I bled for 32 minutes. Choking on my own blood. Evidently, I expel a life source pretty fast.. I swear this reality is worse than just imagining it... My body doesn't like me, and thats not all that doesn't like me...

I've been gathering all the small things I enjoy in a little box that I keep inside my chest. I picked up some Jones before I came home.. Turned on some good music, and did my routine: check my mail, check lj, check myspace, check bank account. And read... its good to read. I don't read much anymore, except for what I write, and what other people write online...

Well, theres one more week and I'm done now.

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."-James Gordon

"We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."

Its a new day, I woke up to a new playlist, a new cd to be made. It feels good today. Today just feels good. My room is mostly clean, just laundry to do.. My stomach feels good, I have food to eat, I'm listening to music right now, I took a shower, and got ready. It'll be a good day. Thats all I can say, nothing else can stray me away from that.

I'm getting close and my heart beats faster the more I get closer. I'm really happy that I'm at least here. Where I should've been forever ago. Not too much more to go. Its scary, just to think, in a couple months I could, no, I will be gone. Wow, like I'm totally excited for today, I didn't think I'd be this excited a while ago. Praying feels good, showering feels good, awaking to fresh music makes me feel good. I'm pretty happy right now. No point in getting too dressy though, But I think I'll wear some new shorts.. too bad everything is dirty, I'd at least be matchin.. Ha, like I care about that.. funny, I do.. weird.. but Haha, I'm loving this!! Pure loving this. Getting ready to leave, but I still need to settle insurance..

I love life, its just my outlook on things. I forget that sometimes. If I have faith that everything will be alright, I trust that it will. Heavenly father hasn't failed me. I just need to laugh a little, smile more, enjoy the small things again. Theres potential, and I will reach it. Beware world. I'm out to get you.